Since my father passed away in 2008, every Father’s Day stirs up a variety of emotions for me.
On the one hand, I’m very grateful for the sacrifices my father made for his family, and that throughout almost his entire life. On the other hand, my reflection becomes difficult, since I’m tempted to compare myself to him.
And hence the title I gave this blog in French, a play on words on “père” (father) versus “paire”, which sounds the same and evokes “pair”, the French word for a peer.
Those who have children almost all agree that everything changes the moment you become a parent; there aren’t many exceptions on that.
And among the men I know who have lost their father, a large share understand the relevance of the expression: “It’s when your father dies that you truly become a man.”
Father’s Day, for me, as a parent, is still pretty special. My two children are forced to admit that I’m a more or less “adequate” dad for them. When they were in elementary school, they came home with cards and gifts made at school with love.
I love telling them stories about the Father’s Days of my youth, when my sisters and I tried to baffle our father with bizarre gifts.
My father was a serious man, and while he was in business, that served him well. In his retirement, he had become a bit more approachable, especially with the arrival of his grandchildren.
But let’s come back to the play on words, fathers and peers. My dad didn’t have many peers in his life. He was the “boss”, at the office and at home.
Eventually, as he got older, he accepted that he was no longer the one who had to, or could, control every aspect and decision in his life. Almost all at once, he gave up his role as boss and accepted his children’s decisions. Unfortunately, he had already gone into the hospital for the last time when that happened.
During the years when we worked together in our “family office”, even toward the end when I was making most of the decisions, often without discussing them with him beforehand, it was always clear that he was the father AND the boss, and that I was the son AND the employee.
I don’t know if it’s because we live in a more modern era, or if it’s simply my parenting style, but I don’t advocate that way of doing things.
For my part, I can’t wait for my children to become my peers. They’re not there yet, and they still have a lot to learn, from both their parents as well as from school.
In some areas, notably everything to do with computers and technology, they’re already a step ahead of us, unsurprisingly. In others, they’re catching up to us fast.
But personally, I take a lot of pride in trusting them on all questions concerning their personal decisions, offering them my advice, but without telling them what to do.
I have no ambition to control my children, and I want them to become my peers fairly quickly.
I’d like to coexist with them in a spirit of collaboration and mutual support for decades to come.
I believe this attitude could also be beneficial for other families. Families where the father controls everything, right up until his death, are a thing of the past, aren’t they?
I’ll let you think about that.
