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All Happy Families Are the Same…
Most weeknights after having dinner and watching the news, my wife and I watch Jeopardy together.
A couple of months back while doing this, there was a clue that referred to a famous quote from Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina.
Because my wife was unfamiliar with it, I asked my friend Mr. Google to get me the exact line, which is actually the opening sentence of that classic book from the 1870’s.
It reads, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Unfortunately, this highlights the fact that there are lots of ways for families to be unhappy.
99% Unhappy, 1% Happy?
The very next day we were driving somewhere together and for whatever reason, it came up again, and we talked about it.
She noted that there are way more unhappy families, suggesting the figure of 99%.
I chose not to argue with her, and we both agreed that I had the workings of a blog post about this, so here we are.
The title of this post is meant to highlight the fact that most families want to be perceived as “One Big Happy Family”, but that under the surface, very few of them actually are.
As someone who works with families on the important subjects relating to their future wealth transitions, helping move a family from “unhappy” to “happier” is part of what I’m usually going for.
Who Gets to Judge this Matter?
A constant challenge to this work is that the family is not one unit, it is a system of many interdependent human beings, who each have their own views, opinions, feelings, and behaviours.
Many of the professionals who handle the more technical aspects of this work can get away with thinking about the family as a unit, but those who work on the relationship angle between the family members are constantly confronted with individual differences in each person.
There are usually some people who think of their family as a happy one, where other members of that same family would disagree.
Who gets to decide if their family is happy?
What if I think we’re happy but I’m the only one who thinks that?
Ideally, we can find a way for families to talk about this to find ways to make each person a bit happier, which should thereby make the family happier as a result.
Could it be that simple?
Looking Back at a Couple of Past Posts
Thinking about this subject conjured up a couple of posts I’ve written here that touch on this subject.
First, in On Wellness, Performance, and Relationships in Families, we looked at how those three subjects are a convenient way to consider how people are doing.
Are they feeling well? Can they do what they’re trying to get done? Do they get along with all the people they interact with?
I suggest that the more Yes’s you get to those questions, the happier you’ll be.
And if more members of a family can get 3 Yes’s, that family would likely be happier too.
Key Question: Are there ways for the family’s wealth to support and contribute to getting more Yes’s to those questions from more family members?
Should Happiness Be the Goal?
Unfortunately, many people put a bit too much focus on happiness as a goal, which can bring negative results.
Back in 2022, I shared Make Sure Happiness Is a By-Product, Not the Goal.
That post was inspired by a session at an FFI Conference where a person who specializes in addiction treatment and recovery was the one who stated the line I used as my title.
How many parents do we know who did everything to make their children happy, and then realized (and regretted) that their kids did not develop enough resilience and independence to launch into adulthood.
Maximizing Each Family Member’s Human Capital
As is so often the case, when I set out to write on this week’s topic, I didn’t know where it would lead.
Between you and me, that’s what keeps me coming back each week, but please keep that to yourself.
If you want a happy family, those “interdependent human beings” that compose the family should probably be your focus.
If you’re fortunate enough to have accumulated plenty of wealth, why not use a portion of it to try to enhance the “wellness, performance and relationships” of every family member?
Maybe that’ll help you have that One-Big-Happy-Family we all strive for.
