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Three Necessary Criteria for Helping Family Clients

And They Work Both Ways for Advisors

If you want to write a lot, it helps if you read a lot too. 

I suppose I could just spout off my own thoughts here each week, but I decided long ago that my best bet was to share lot of wisdom that I gather from elsewhere along the way.

Because the area of family wealth transitions is kind of a niche, much of what I do is read more “general wisdom” and then share how it applies to the work that I do with client families.

LinkedIn has been the source of many of these blog posts over the years, and this week is no exception.

I’ve shared ideas that came to me in French from time to time too, and we’re going back there again too, “Merci à mon amie Sylvie”, who posted something timely there recently.

“If You Want to Help People, Make Sure….”

Naturally, many of the people I follow on LinkedIn work with families as well, and a certain segment of them do similar work in the “family circle” like I do.

The network of those who do this work in French here in Quebec is growing too, this post came from a friend and colleague I’ve known for over a decade.

She posted about an inspiring training session she’d attended, sharing a short quote the head trainer offered up.

Because it was in French, I’ll provide a translated version and then we’ll dissect it and share some thoughts.

“Remember that if you want to help people, make sure that you like them, believe in them, and have the skills to work with them”.

Let’s break down the three criteria in that statement.

Does “Aimer” Mean Like, or Love?

The first question that might arise if you read the original version is the translation of the word “aimer”, which can mean both “like” and “love”.

I chose “like”, but am aware that some people set a higher bar, and advocate for loving their clients. 

Not sure I fully subscribe to that, although I can see how it could be helpful, but also may cause issues.

But it definitely is hard to do this work for clients you don’t at least like.

I Believe in You

The second criterion is to “believe in” the people you’re trying to help.

That’s another thorny one for me, because it can sometimes seem to be absent, and then we need to ask ourselves if that’s on them, or on us.

Chatting with my own coach recently about a client with whom I was beginning to have doubts about my belief in them, she reminded me that our coach training rests on a fundamental belief that people are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. So I am supposed to believe in them, because I’m a CPCC (Certified Professional Co-Active Coach).

Her implication was that if I was having my doubts about a client, I had some reflecting to do. 

And she was right (as usual!)

Having the Skills to Help Someone

The third criterion from the quote could be the trickiest one of all. 

Working with families on their “family stuff”, their relationships with each other, as they figure out how they’re going to make decisions together in the future, isn’t something that you can just take a course for to learn, and then state confidently that you have the skills for.

Many people come to this work from other fields that are more about structure and products, and they’re more about content for families.

My work, and that of many of my friends and colleagues, is all about process, and very light on content.

See Liberal Arts Vs. STEM Skills to Serve Families for more on my view of these skills.

I’m Not the Only One Who Needs to Believe!

So far we’ve been looking at this from the perspective of the advisor looking at their clients.

Of course the clients themselves have their own views on their advisors, that they rightfully consider even more important.

Few clients want to work with people they don’t like (or love), and any such relationship is doomed if they don’t believe in us.

That we have the skills is often assumed by the clients, so advisors need to be frank and humble about their skills when entering family terrain.

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How Can a Family Office Enrich You?

There’s Getting Rich and Staying Rich

My inspirations for these weekly missives are naturally quite varied, often coming from conversations with clients, prospects, and colleagues and conferences I attend.

This week, the genesis for my post is an article that landed in my email inbox, from one of a number of lists I’ve subscribed to along the way.

If you’re one of my regular readers (thanks!), you likely also see a lot written about the fascinating world of family offices, which continue to become more and more prevalent.

You also may not be surprised that my views on the family office world are very different from the mainstream.

If Some Financial Wealth Is Good, More Is Better. Right?

So let’s jump into the article in question, and see what we can learn.

The headline is what struck me first, not surprisingly. It read “Family Offices Might Not Always Make You Richer…. Bill Gates Is a Good Example”.

Wow, there’s a lot there, isn’t there?

The first thing that jumped out at me is the implied expectation that a family office’s role or goal is mainly about making the family richer.

And here when I say “richer” I am going with the mainstream definition of the word, i.e. relating to more financial wealth.

The article noted that the investment returns Gates has achieved through his family offices leave him with a lower net worth than he would have if he had never sold any of his stock in Microsoft.

Well, D’Uh!

It’s All About the Money, But Should It Be?

So first off, anyone with their own family office is already financially wealthy, so the role of the family office is not about the family “getting rich”. It’s a lot more about “staying rich”.

And while it’s easy for anyone to calculate what Gates’ net worth would be if he had held all or most of his MSFT stock, no financial advisor would ever recommend such a concentrated portfolio, void of any diversification, to any client.

But of course my view on this is that focusing only on the family’s financial wealth is an error that too many people continue to make.

The financial wealth is what everyone sees and talks about, and it also happens to be the easy stuff to deal with, and the area where most of those surrounding the family earn their salaries, thereby enriching themselves.

Scott Peppet’s M/L/F Ratio

I was nearly 100% certain that I had written about Scott Peppet’s “M/L/F Ratio” here before, but it turns out I hadn’t, until now.

So in the spirit of Too Good NOT to Share, here goes.

I wasn’t completely wrong, though, as I had shared it elsewhere, just not in my blog. See How can a family’s generations stick together? “Generative Alliance” to the rescue. 

That article, that I wrote last year for CanadianFamilyOffices.Com, included the views of both Peppet and the venerable Dennis Jaffe, but we’ll stick with Peppet’s ratio idea here.

Money – Legal – Family: What Percentage of Each?

Family offices need to focus on M, Money, of course. They are also responsible for taking care of a lot of L, Legal matters for the families they serve. Nobody is saying they shouldn’t.

But M and L are all about the “office” part of the family office, but what about the family, for whom all this work is ostensibly being done?

Why don’t most family offices focus much on the F, Family?

This is considered “the soft stuff”, but that’s a real misnomer, because it is really hard to do it well.

But does that mean that they shouldn’t be doing more?

Peppet speaks about the amount of time and effort, on a percentage basis, of those who work for the family office.

He believes that, on average, family office employees spend about 70% of their time working on M, about 20% on L, leaving only a measly 10% for F.

My guess is that his numbers are pretty close to what’s going on, on average.

Enriching the Family’s Other Capitals

But just as Bill Gates doesn’t really need more money, most families who have or use a family office have already achieved comfortable financial status.

They could often use support for the other types of capital, like human and relationship capital, that can be a challenge for such families.

Family office employees and outside advisors who can help in those areas can enrich their family clients is so many ways.

Just because some financial wealth is good, doesn’t mean that more is always better.

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When Sudden Health Issues Threaten Transitions

It Happens More Often Than It Should

It never ceases to amaze me that after hundreds of posts about the challenges of transitioning wealth from one generation of a family to the next, there are some subjects that I’ve barely even touched upon.

This week, we’ll be looking at one of those, and I have to admit a bit sheepishly that this is long overdue.

And the main reason we’re now here is a fluke confluence of events that happened to put two family situations on my radar on successive days.

There should be some useful ideas coming, so please stick around as we look at family situations that are upended by sudden health issues.

Benefiting from Lots of Examples

The two family cases in question both happen to be ongoing, and I came to learn about them in very different ways.

The first was through a local study group I’ve been part of for a few years, which forces me to keep my professional French skills sharp.

The second came thanks to my role as a Team Project Advisor for participants in the Family Enterprise Advisor (FEA) program.

As I completed my weekly meeting with my team, I reflected on the prior day’s study group case, and realized it’s high time we discussed this topic here.

So I began writing myself the reminder email, and decided to compose a draft title in the subject line.

I began “Sudden Health Issues….”, after which I searched for a verb, and “Threaten” came to mind.

The capitalized first letters jumped off the screen at me, and I could no longer “unsee them”, and then appreciated the gift that they offered.

This is some bad “sh*t” you’d be better off trying to avoid.

A Patriarch with Cancer

The first case involves a patriarch who has been running the family conglomerate for decades, with a relatively tight fist.

His diagnosis was sudden, and the timeline he has left is naturally quite uncertain.

Our study group did not quite seize on the true urgency, and we began suggesting typical steps to bring in the rising generation.

As we debriefed with the advisor who brought us the case, we finally caught on that the family is dealing with days and perhaps weeks, while our proposed interventions were more about months and years.

When you don’t have much time, you need to focus on what needs to be taken care of “right now”, or “yesterday”.

Unfortunately, many of the suggestions we had initially aren’t even feasible, because more important structural issues hadn’t been taken care of early enough.

A Partner Has a Stroke, and Cancer

The second situation, where the advisor team was using the family as a project case, had a different twist.

The octogenarian patriarch was thought to be the most precarious family member when the team first met the family, but there was an unfortunate health event that befell his wife, who’s about fifteen years younger.

She suffered a stroke, and upon investigation, a brain tumour was discovered, and subsequently removed.

As you might imagine, arranging family matters with a certain expected order of demise can get turned upside down in a hurry.

The intervention of the project team ended up being quite timely, as the deadlines they faced did not allow them to pause the work, which they’d likely have done of it had been a “real world” professional intervention.

“We Should Have Started Sooner”

Most families fall into the trap of assuming that they have plenty of time to “get their affairs in order”, so it’s easy to put this work off.

The “good news”, if there is any in such situations, is that a renewed focus is forced upon family members, so this inertia is quickly upended.

However, making decisions on tight timelines, under stress and mourning, is sub-optimal and not recommended.

Thoughts of “why didn’t we do this sooner” are all too common.

The best time to plan is when you don’t actually need to!

The longer you wait, the less good options you have.

Act Before the Sh*t Hits the Fan

Hopefully your family and your clients won’t be the next case of the “sh*t hitting the fan” and having to rush into making decisions and having to get signatures on documents in the hospital.

Advisors have a certain obligation to nudge their family clients into action, but sadly, there’s only so much we can do.

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A Family Marathon Without a Map

Going Far Together, But Not Sure Where

Writing about the challenges that families face when charting the course to transition their wealth or business to the next generation can take on many forms.

Lots of professionals who focus on certain aspects of this work become very specialized in useful techniques for such families, and will share why their ways of structuring things can be beneficial.

Others become proficient in select financial products that can be useful for families to employ, and they will highlight those advantages.

While I recognize the importance of such advisors and their advice, I write about issues that are much subtler, involving the human beings in the family and their relationships with each other.

This is usually much less straightforward, and hence much harder to generalize about. And I’m good with that.

A LinkedIn Post Inspires a Blog Post

To be able to offer interesting contributions to this field, it helps to work in it and also be a voracious reader of the work that others contribute.

I regularly check out LinkedIn to stay abreast of what others are doing, saying, and sharing. This week I saw a post that inspired me to comment, which I do on a semi-regular basis. 

Sometimes my responses just flow, and new stuff comes out of me.

Every once in a while, I say to myself, “this is too good to just leave here; I need to turn this into a blog!”.

And so here we are.

Working with Families on their Governance

The LinkedIn post in question referenced a recent series of articles in the FFI Practitioner by friends and colleagues Dennis Jaffe and Amy Hart Clyne.

My comment thanked them for sharing, because they highlighted aspects of this work that few technical advisors appreciate, i.e. the ultra long term nature of this work, and the necessity of staying with our family clients through the long evolution of this work.

Here’s part of my comment: “…those of us who have been with families during this work know that this is the ultimate marathon, but without a pre-set route that you are running”.

My first sub-head above, “Going Far Together, But Not Sure Where”, hinted at this, and was inspired by a 2016 blog of mine, Going Far? Go Together, which remains a favourite of mine.

The marathon aspect isn’t new, but the realisation that there’s no route, or even an end destination, was a bit of an A-Ha for me.

See also: There Is No Destination

The Three-Legged Race Aspect

I had mentioned a certain “flow” that sometimes arises when I’m commenting, so I didn’t stop there.

I continued with “AND, on top of that, it’s also a 23-legged race, where you need to help guide a whole family group too!” 

All of a sudden, I had conjured up an image of a whole family, with their legs tied together in a super-sized three-legged race.

And here I am, coaching them to run a marathon, but with no map and not even a finish line.

No wonder this work is so challenging.

And no wonder so few people do this work, and even have difficulty explaining what the work is.

Family Governance: The Ultimate Team Sport

As I thought about this, I recalled that Id once written that family governance is “the ultimate team sport”, but had difficulty finding where I had included it.

Using the search function on my website, I finally located it in Where’s the Puck? Family Wealth Hockey Analogies. 

That “family team” consists of veterans and rookies, and people with different strengths and skills. 

The star players of yesteryear hang around past their prime, and younger players rise to play more important roles.

And having just one or two stars is never enough, you need lots of “role players” too.

Coaches Who Get the Most Out of Their Team

Just like successful sports teams, good coaching has a lot to do with the success of the team.

Good coaches are able to get the most out of the players that they have, and a big part of that is making sure they know how to play well together.

Professional coaches are outsiders, and the idea of “player-coaches” doesn’t work so well in this “sport”, although once a team has learned how to work together, they may be able to run stretches of the marathon without outside guidance.

But eventually, having someone help them find the right route will likely make sense again too; and the race never ends!

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New Views on Muddling Through

A Simpler Way to Look at Life

Every week here I discuss families in business or families of wealth, especially regarding the challenges they face when planning for their next intergenerational transition.

Oftentimes, I’ll veer into related areas, including my own challenges as I interact with such families as an outside professional, who typically approaches their challenges from an angle that’s different from the one most of their other advisors take.

Interspersed with these stories, I typically share nuggets that pull back the curtain on some of the ways I personally view the world and my place in it.

This week, we’re going for “D: All of the Above”. Let’s get started.

A Muddle Through Market and Economy

During a previous chapter of my life, my main day-to-day work involved overseeing our family’s investment portfolio, following the liquidity event that occurred in the early 1990’s, when my Dad sold the operations of the business he founded three decades earlier.

As my expected career morphed from taking over an operating business to managing our small family office, my main focus moved to the stock market.

In addition to having CNBC on my TV all the time, I also read a lot of different newsletters to stay on top of things.

In the early 2000’s, John Mauldin, who I then read weekly, came up with the expression, “The Muddle Through Economy”, and I recall that it aptly described what he expected to be pretty “Ho-Hum” economic growth in the aftermath of the internet bubble bursting.

So this week we’re looking at how “muddling through” can be viewed from a different, more positive lens. 

As Long as There’s Progress

We can feel like we’ve made a lot of progress in many areas of life, even if we haven’t come as far as we hoped.

In my view, as long as we’re moving in the right direction, getting closer to where it is we’re heading, that’s the main thing.

See: Direction Comes Before Destination for Families

There’s a related expression I use often, “Progress, Not Perfection” that also gets to the heart of this.

And of course there’s also “Don’t let great be the enemy of good”, which Google just informed me dates back to Voltaire.

If you think about muddling through, the key might be to focus on the progress implied by the “through”, rather than lamenting the “muddling” aspect.

Getting the General Direction Right

As I’ve recently entered a new decade of my life, I’m allowing myself to flex my accumulated wisdom more, and that includes the part about not being able to control as many aspects of our lives as we hoped.

As I wrote a few years back in My Role, Goal, Control Life Hack, when we think about what we can and do actually control, it’s almost never as much as we hope or think we can.

As long as we can keep putting one foot in front of the other and head in the right general direction, muddling through at least gets us closer to where we want to be.

Combining progress and direction also results in evolution, which is another of my favourite concepts, especially as it relates to how families I work with consider how they want to work together.

They often take small steps, and then readjust, as all family members learn how they want to be together.

Working Through Conflict

In my line of work, conflict is never very far away, because that’s often what drives people to seek my help.

There’s a maxim that the only way out of conflict is through it, and I think that also applies nicely to this “muddle through” idea.

Working through conflict is rarely quick and straightforward.

It involves sharing thoughts and viewpoints with each other, and then readjusting expectations based on what you’ve learned.

When done well and productively, a resolution emerges, hopefully co-created by the parties, and that takes time and effort.

I hope you can see that muddling through can be an apt expression to describe this process.

Equanimity at an All-Time High

On a personal note, my big six-0 birthday sees my equanimity at an all-time high.

My daily meditation habit continues to be a big part of that, along with general maturity that comes with graying hair.

I continue to make progress and move in interesting directions, and I’m not in a hurry to get anywhere in particular.

I’m making muddling through work for me.

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The Family Conversations You Know You Need to Have

Stop Kicking the Can Down the Road

When speaking about the kind of work I do with families, the way I explain myself is always evolving.

When I got into this a little over a decade ago, much of what I said had to do with how I was hoping to have a positive impact on client families, but it was more theoretical then.

As I have now served many families, the vocabulary and expressions I use today are based on the experience I’ve gained over the years, and are more refined.

As I use certain expressions with prospects, clients, and colleagues, I’m always conscious of their reactions, so I can see what lands well and what resonates best.

I’ve recently been using a bit of a one-two punch that I’m starting to really like, and so that’s where we’ll be going this week.

Having Important Conversations with Family

The first of those punches is to simply note the fact that families really just need to learn to have conversations with each other.

The idea of speaking together, regularly, about subjects that are important to their future, is actually relatively easy for people to grasp.

When you contrast that with not speaking, not sharing, not setting expectations, not asking questions, not learning to agree on how you want things to play out, it isn’t difficult to get people’s heads nodding.

So the first part of my explanation of the work I do is all about noting that families should be having more conversations about their future, especially as it relates to the ownership and management of their wealth.

More silence and secrecy is not what the doctor ordered.

This Isn’t a Surprise to Anyone

So if the first punch is about simply getting families to have more conversations, what’s the second punch?

I’m glad you asked.

After mentioning that conversations among family members is the key, I now always follow up with the fact that these families already know that they should be talking about these subjects.

“Every single one of these families already knows that they should be doing this”, I typically say.

And that of course begs the question about why they aren’t doing this, if they already know that they should?

Well, I also know that I should exercise more and eat less, and yet here we are.

Really? I Never Thought of That!

I can promise you that when speaking with family members about the importance of having more discussions about such matters, I have yet to have a response like “Really, we should be talking about this?”, or “Hmmm, I never thought of that”.

Everyone knows that such conversations would be useful to have, and yet what so often happens is that the leading generation frets about how to have such discussions productively, while the rising generation’s questions about their roles and expectations continue to go unanswered.

The simplest answers as to why families don’t have such conversations are that they don’t know how to start them, and that they fear they will not go well.

Many times it’s partly because such conversations were in fact attempted, but for any number of reasons, things did not go well, so any ideas of restarting the process are met with serious “second thoughts”.

An Unbiased Non-Family Facilitator to the Rescue

My Dad called a family meeting in 1985. It was not well received, as he decided to run it himself, and not to engage an unbiased non-family facilitator.

Our next family meeting did not occur until 2006, and that was only in response to his cancer diagnosis.

These meetings can get into some deep subjects, and families typically don’t have a lot of experience in handling such topics on their own.

A huge part of what a facilitator brings is to take charge of the process and make sure that everyone feels safe, so that everyone can feel heard.

This can take a few meetings to achieve, but a good facilitator will normalize this fact and accompany the family on their journey, at whatever speed and pace makes sense for them.

Strive for Progress, Not for Perfection

It takes time for families to learn how to be together while addressing important topics around the future of their wealth.

It can also take a while for them to recognize that they can in fact make progress on this journey.

A facilitator helps with all of this.

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On Trees, Forests, Blogs, and Families

Are You Ready for Some Mixing of Metaphors?

This was not supposed to be this week’s subject, as I had a different topic selected.

But then this morning, as I opened up the Calm App on my phone to select which of their morning recommendations I’d land on today, there it was, “The Big Picture”.

Something about that resonated with me, and when I clicked on it, the first spoken words were, “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘You can’t see the forest for the trees?’”

Bang, there it was. 

I actually paused the session to make a note of this idea, and once again wondered how it was that I have yet to take up this subject here, despite being at this on a weekly basis for over a decade now.

Systems Thinking Primer

The particular strong resonance of this topic almost certainly had something to do with an email I’d noticed moments earlier, in which I was being reminded of an upcoming guest appearance with an FFI (Family Firm Institute) study group that looks at systems theory in the family business advisory world.

Of all the expressions that quickly point directly to one of the key concepts of systems theory, that “trees/forests” one is right up there in terms of simplicity.

So, whereas many advisors who walk into a family situation and see a group of individual family members, or trees, it often makes more sense to concentrate on the forest instead.

The trees themselves benefit from their interlocking roots, which make them stronger, allowing them to better survive the elements than that lone maple in your front yard.

And when “trees” meet together to discuss their shared future, each of them may have their own biases for themselves or their immediate relatives, versus the entire forest.

An Outside Advisor, with an Unbiased Perspective

As someone who’s quite comfortable being in the room with a bunch of family members when I’m the lone outsider, I can tell you that it gives one an interesting perspective, almost like you’re the only one who can see things that are right there, but that are hidden to the individuals whose personal bias “blinds” them.

My own perspective is usually irrelevant, if I use it to further my own ends for some reason; but if I use it to reveal the forest to each of the trees, now I’m being a resource to them all. 

See Revealing a Family System to Itself

Getting to the place where we are not only able to see the big picture better than anyone else in the room, and then learning to harness that ability for the best interests of the group can become sort of a watershed moment for any advisor.

“The family is the client”, which was drilled into us during my FEA program training, is easy enough to “get” in your head, but when you get it in your gut and your heart, now you can add true value to the family.

Twisting the Metaphor for All It’s Worth

Let’s pivot now to something that may seem self-serving, but that created a bit of an A-Ha moment in my head when it came to me.

I must be getting close to 600 of these weekly missives now, and I plan to keep adding yet another to the pile each week going forward.

None of these posts stands strongly enough on its own for very long.

My visibility and following among those who practice in the field of working with families is largely based on the “forest” of content that I’ve created over the past decade plus.

And as I shared over five years ago in The Art of Conversation – The Key to Family Communication, it’s usually more important to have 100 one-minute conversations than 1 hundred-minute discussion.

Repeated small taps with the hammer will drive in the nail better than one huge swing, that might actually miss the target.

Similarly, one 750-word blog post each week has become my way to keep driving my thinking out into the universe.

My Propensity to Share

Yes, I’ve also written two books along the way, and may have another at some point, but this regular writing pace works for me, as it forces me to keep thinking, and finding ways to clarify the work that I do with families.

I know there’s a need from families for this work, and turning that need into demand is a huge task.

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Holding the Courageous, Compassionate Space for a Family

An Under-Appreciated Skill of Facilitators

During any given week, I speak to many people involved in working with families who plan to transition their wealth to the next generation.  

These conversations include those with members of my client families, discussions with prospective family clients, peer discussions with other professionals I already work with, as well as a variety of professionals in peripheral fields.

Unfortunately, a large percentage of these conversations occurs with folks who really have little appreciation for the subtleties of how to actually do the facilitation part of this work well.

During a recent call with Melissa, my long-time coach, I said something about “holding the space”, which she certainly “gets”, but then quickly wondered how many others with whom I speak regularly actually have even a minimal grasp of what that means in practice.

So that’s where we’re going this week.

A Serendipitous Confirmation for This Post, Now

So I knew that I’d scrawled something in my notebook about a blog on holding the space, and forgot about it.

The next day, while scrolling through my LinkedIn feed, I came upon a brief video by a colleague with whom I’m currently working, and so I watched what he shared with interest.

While he didn’t refer to how he “holds the space” (which he does exceedingly well) when meeting with clients, he did talk about how important it is for a facilitator to emphasize courage and compassion when working through issues between family members.

After adding my comments of appreciation to his post, I went to my notebook to jot down that idea as a future blog subject.

When I flipped the page back, I saw my previous note about holding space and it hit me, this is simply another part of that same subject.

So this now becomes a 2-for-1 blog. (For the same zero dollars!)

Making It Safe for Everyone Present

When family members gather to discuss matters related to the assets that they own together, there are typically a number of imbalances to contend with.

People from some generations have more power, knowledge and control than others, siblings play various roles (or none at all), some are intimately familiar with the subject and others feel more like bystanders.

And yet, they need to come together occasionally to discuss matters, so that they can get comfortable with how they’re going to make decisions for their common benefit, and how they are going to communicate going forward.

If you’ve never been in a room with people who are trying to do that, it can be a little bit intimidating.

Being invited by a family to play the role of facilitator for such meetings is a privilege that is not to be taken lightly.

As I often mention, the root word of “facilitator” is “facile”, which is the French word for “easy”, so my job is to make things easier.

Coming Prepared for Anything

A few months back, in Bringing the Weather (and a Deck of Cards), we looked at the fact that leading such meetings requires taking control of some key factors, like speaking order and the floor time each person gets to speak.

We also noted that the role is all about process, and not so much about content.

The content comes from the family participants, but the flow of how things play out is navigated by the facilitator.

As I reconsider the term “holding the space”, it occurs to me that there’s also a huge time element involved as well.

Knowing when to break, sensing varying energy levels or frustration, and reading the room are all part of the equation.

This can get easier with practice, and the more meetings you run, the better you get at it, and when you get to work with the same family members over and over that also helps a lot, because you (hopefully) develop a comfort level with one another.

Moving the Family in the Right Direction

The discussions families have together in these meetings are important, because they deal with intense subjects, which can stir up emotions.

The facilitator is there to ensure that everyone feels safe and heard, and that’s where the courage and compassion often come into play.

My goal for each meeting is always to keep the family moving in a positive direction, and learning how to be together in ways that they can discuss matters in a productive way.

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How to Ensure a Happy Inheritance

The End Result of a Great Wealth Transition

This week we’re looking at a subject from a bit of a different angle, as I’ve decided to share my thoughts on a recent book that I want readers to be aware of.

As an avid learner, I consume my share of reading material every year, but occasions where I dedicate an entire blog post to one particular book have been pretty rare.

Well, Dr. Tom Deans has just published his third book, The Happy Inheritor, and based on the sales of his previous efforts, I expect that many people will read it, if they haven’t already.

I’ve been a fan of Deans’ work since I met him over a decade ago, and we’ve shared thoughts and conversations over the years, as we both toil in the field of family wealth transitions, and are both proud Canadians.

Feeling Compelled to Write and Share

Deans recently told me that he had not planned to write a third book, but then he seized upon a subject that he felt that he couldn’t let go of.

As an author and public speaker, he kept meeting people from wealthy families who were failing to follow what to him were some pretty straightforward recommendations when planning their wealth transfers.

Some great clues as to what to expect from the book come right from the front cover, where the secondary title reads “How successful families prepare heirs and transfer wealth”.

The fact that we both agree on the need to prepare heirs shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to my regular readers.

But there’s another line on the book’s cover that may seem a bit further afield from my writings, to wit, “Many people transfer family wealth with great care and joy, while others use it to control and destroy”.

While I can write provocatively at times, that’s a line I would not have come up with on my own.

Regular Family Meetings

If I had to boil the book’s message down to one statement, it would be something like this:

The best way to ensure a happy inheritance is to make sure that the whole family meets together regularly to discuss their wealth transfer plan, “with kindness, care and joy” (quote from the back cover).

My regular readers will recognize this recommendation, as it is something I’ve repeated here in various ways over the decade plus I’ve been sharing my thoughts on this overall subject.

While some families hope that they can accomplish a lot by having one single big meeting, where they download the leading generation’s “instructions” as a monologue, Deans seems to agree that a series of regular forums, where ideas are discussed between generations, is a more durable solution.

Beware the Covert Narcissist – Hiding in Plain Sight

I would be remiss in sharing my thoughts on The Happy Inheritor if I skipped over a very important secondary theme that Deans tackles throughout the book.

I already hinted at it above, and it’s all about the fact that in some families, there are some figures who are actually working towards a more nefarious goal, and enjoy using their wealth to “control and destroy”.

He spends a good portion of the book detailing these “covert narcissists” that exist in many families, and the fact that these people are often hard to detect because they always come off as nice and agreeable.

These people always say nice things and seem very friendly, yet they quietly go about trying to control everything and everyone in harmful ways.

These folks don’t exist in every family, thankfully, but they are more prevalent than you might imagine, and they can completely kibosh wealth planning for their family.

Understanding Appropriate Expectations

When you get right down to it, planning for the intergenerational transition of wealth in a family comes down to everyone understanding what’s expected.

As I wrote in Striving for the All AND Nothing Inheritance, most parents would be thrilled to know that they could leave all of their considerable wealth to their offspring without worrying whether or not they could handle it, while at the same time understanding that even if they left their next generation with nothing, that would also turn out alright.

The best way to make sure that appropriate expectations are met, is to talk about them together on a regular basis, in structured family meetings, ideally with the help of an independent facilitator.

 

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Refilling My Pitcher, Again, at RendezVous ‘24

My Favourite Annual Professional Pilgrimage

Almost exactly 10 years ago, I attended my first ever RendezVous of the Purposeful Planning Institute, not really knowing what to expect.

Before the end of the first day, I vowed to attend again every year for as long as I’m able, and have yet to regret that decision.

I just returned from my ninth in-person version, and having also attended the RendeZooms in ’20 and ’21 for reasons you can guess, my streak remains alive.

I’m already looking forward to next year’s event, even though, similar to a decade ago, I don’t know what to expect.

Well, that’s kind of true but also not, because even though the content for RendezVous ’25 is still a mystery to everyone, the culture and vibe are pretty consistent, and why I return each year, to “refill my pitcher”.

Fifty-One Weeks of Pouring Out

I came up with my “pitcher” analogy a number of years ago, as a way to explain why I always attend RendezVous, and during my most recent Rocky Mountain journey, I shared it freely with other attendees, to good effect.

As I explained to both newcomers and seasoned attendees, I spend most weeks of my professional life pouring myself out to others, regularly explaining to people, both members of families and the professionals who serve them, what purposeful planning is, and why they need to be doing more of it.

As someone who “gets it”, it can be tiring to continually spend time and effort explaining just why involving more family members in their planning yields much better results.

After pouring out from my pitcher every week, it’s wonderful to be able to refill it at RendezVous, congregating with the converted.

Reconnection, Sharing, and Learning Together

One of the great benefits of attending the same annual event is that you get to know a lot of people, and seeing them again after a year is heartwarming.

Many of my best friends in the field are those I reconnect with each summer in the Denver area at RendezVous.

The conference is also set up to encourage so much sharing among participants, allowing us all to learn together, from one another.

There’s always one outside keynoter, but the bulk of the content, both mainstage and breakout sessions, is self-developed by the members.

Some of the mainstage sessions include an interactive component, as do all of the breakouts.

That “culture and vibe” I noted above is so welcoming, non-judgmental and inclusive, that just about every person mentions it.

New Relationships Born Each Year

Each year there are a few dozen first time attendees, I always love to meet them and give them a bit of a heads-up on what to expect.

By the last day, when I see them again, I usually get strong confirmation that this group is very different from anything they’ve experienced before, and that’s never a surprise to me.

I also have a natural inclination to play the role of “connector”, and it’s great to have so many wonderful colleagues right there for fresh introductions.

I lost track of how many times I learned about someone’s work and asked them “Do you know So-And-So?”

When the answer is “No”, I always promise to be on the lookout for that person so I can introduce them.

In a majority of cases, I manage to complete the loop, often within minutes or hours, just because we’re all together. 

Inspired by Like-Minded and Like-Hearted Colleagues

Interactive breakout sessions with like-minded colleagues, who’ve been in similar difficult situations as you, are automatically fertile learning ground.

Being with others who do similar work with families, and sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly experiences with each other is as inspiring as it gets.

Sharing with like-hearted friends about your own tips and tricks, and ways of being in family meetings, and having them thank you for sharing, well, that’s pretty cool too.

Are You Intrigued?

I’ve just completed a seven-year run as part of the event’s organizing committee, and remain on one of the Committees of the Board.

I’ve met lots of people at RendezVous over the years who told me that I was a part of their decision to attend.

So, if you’re intrigued and want to talk, please reach out.

Footnote: Here are the blogs I wrote after this conference for the past five years:

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