It All Comes Down to Implementation

Back in June in Skills vs. Knowledge in Family Enterprises, we looked at the fact that knowing what should be done was nice, but if you didn’t know how to make sure it happened, you were bound to miss out on most of the benefits.

Since then, I discovered some more ways to get this point across, as well as some other related subjects.

I’ve decided to look at these scenarios as a question of “follow-through”, because too often lots of great work is done identifying what could be helpful for a family, but the good stuff never happens because things fall apart somewhere along the way.

Let’s Just Develop a Vaccine!

The most obvious analogy that jumps out is the idea that a vaccine can accomplish a lot in terms of eradicating a disease, as many examples throughout history can attest.

Unfortunately, our current reality demonstrates what happens when there’s a vaccine, but, not enough people are following through and getting the vaccination shot into their arms to have the desired effect.

I won’t delve into all the reasons here, because that’s not my beat, but I think I’ve phrased this in a way that explains that a vaccine without enough vaccinations doesn’t quite get us where we’d like to be.

Family Meetings, Sounds Good….

When it comes to my work with families, it’s actually relatively easy for many of the family members to understand the importance of the concept of having family meetings, so that everyone can get together to discuss important matters about the future, together.

For them to “get” the concept, unfortunately, is the easy part.

My Dad had a similar idea back in 1985, when he convened a family meeting with his three offspring and one son-in-law.  

It was mostly one-direction communication, not a dialogue of any kind, without any outside facilitation, and worst of all, no follow-up.

As a result, our next family meeting only happened again in 2006, and that was triggered by his cancer diagnosis.

Waiting 21 years between family meetings is “sub-optimal” as you might imagine.

Having the Skills to Make It Happen

We’re back to the idea of skills versus knowledge. Many have the knowledge of what should happen, but not everyone has the skills to make it happen.

You need to have people who are comfortable with the tasks involved because they are the ones who make the difference in the outcome.

Some professionals who work with families realize that they can add value to these family clients, and manage to convince family leaders to let them help, by facilitating a meeting, since it’s good to have someone from outside the family there.

That’s fine on the surface, but I know I’m not the only person who does this work who’s received a call from some well-meaning advisor who’s on their way to facilitating their first family meeting, begging “What questions should I ask?”.

If only it were as simple as having that “secret list of questions”.

Learning to Swim from a Book

I’ve got a new favourite example to illustrate this, that I now love to share.

But before that I want to rehash another version that I like to use when talking about learning Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST), which was the subject of my 2019 book, Interdependent Wealth.

Learning BFST just by reading a book is really not possible, you need to actually work at it, by doing your own personal work on yourself, examining your own place in your family of origin, for starters.

As I relate this idea, I typically bring up the swimming analogy, saying that if you read all the books about how to swim, but have never been in the water, and then I take you to the middle of a lake in a boat and toss you overboard, that “book learning” may only have limited value.

Well now I have my cow example of the skills versus knowledge concept.

Got Milk? (You Need a Cow)

So let’s say you like milk or cream in your coffee, but there isn’t any around. But now you spot a cow in that field over there.

Well, you know that milk comes from cows, so you should be fine. 

Except….

Not everyone can safely approach the cow and come away with the milk.

It takes more than a list of questions.

You need to know how to milk the cow.

Can You See What I See?

As someone who works with enterprising families as an outsider, there are naturally disadvantages to not being part of the inner circle, and a lot of work always goes into trying to play catch-up.

However, for every disadvantage there are always (yes, always, if you look hard enough) advantages too.

Some families hesitate to bring in outsiders for fear that they will not be able to offer much that will be of value.  

I beg to differ, and this week we’re going to look at one of the most important abilities that a skilled outsider can bring to a family.

Following Up on a Promise – Quickly

Last week in Hope – Not a Strategy, but a Strength I referenced a facilitation training program that I’d taken part in a few years ago, called ORSC (Organisational and Relationship Systems Coaching).

I really rushed through a key point because it wasn’t germane to that post, but noted a desire to deal with this sometime soon in another post.

Alas, here we are, it’s been burning at the back of my mind ever since and I need to get this done now, because in reality I cannot believe I haven’t yet shared this key learning.

Perhaps because it was ingrained so deeply I had forgotten to write about it, but here we are, let’s go.

A Family as a Relationship System

During the ORSC training, most people in my cohort worked mainly with organisations and groups of work colleagues, and these people were almost always NOT related by blood or marriage.

Whenever we did introductions and I noted my work with business families, eyebrows were raised, and I can’t help but think that some of my colleagues were happy to not have to switch places with me.

A family is indeed a relationship system, and it’s often much more complex than any system that’s simply employment-related.

A key learning from the training was just how much of a resource we could be as an outsider to any system, if we could help reveal the system to itself.

Because it took a while for me to absorb the full meaning of that statement when I was right in the middle of it, I’m going to assume that a bit of explanation and amplification would be welcome.

My Go-To Example: My Aquarium

When talking about systems theory with people I almost always talk about my aquarium as a ready example. 

The fish I love to watch swimming about do not know that they’re swimming in water, because they’re in it. Similarly, we breathe air but rarely think about it, until we dive into a pool and suddenly realize we crave the very air we took for granted.

Back to the aquarium, I, as an outsider, and, importantly as a curious observer, can see a lot of what’s going on, including many things that the fish don’t see.

Do We See First, Then Reveal?

You might think that a trained observer may be searching for clues about what’s going on within the system, and then reveal them for the benefit of those in the system, so that they can learn new things about their inter-relatedness.

While that does happen and is useful, much of what a skilled facilitator will do is work with members of a system in ways where the system members are discovering things about themselves and their relationships “live”, and the facilitator is learning these things at the same time.

It’s the outsider’s ability to act as an observer, one who’s not enmeshed in the system, that gives them the independence necessary to properly play this role.

When any group, especially a family, decides to have an important meeting that they plan to “self-facilitate” (i.e. a member of the system runs the meeting) I typically grimace and try to explain that their results will likely be sub-optimal.

Yes, I do realize that it can seem that I’m simply trying to sell my services when I do this, so I try to do this judiciously.

Great Value from New Perspectives

A trained outsider can offer new perspectives to those who are part of the system, and, I might add, will likely have an easier time revealing what they see to those on the inside.

You do recall what sometimes happened to “the messenger” in bygone days?

When it can be done via an activity where everyone has important revelations together, it’s even more powerful.