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Leading the Family Conflict Dance

Some New Ways to Look at Conflict in Families

Anyone who’s ever been involved in a family enterprise knows that the potential for conflict is never far away. 

Those of us who work in an advisory capacity for such families have seen every sort of denial and attempt to pretend that “our family is different”, yet those are actually quite rare.

There isn’t necessarily anything new under the sun for me to share here, but I did come across a couple of new angles on this question recently, and I thought they were worth writing about, if only to spur more discussion on the topic.

A Recent FFI Session on Conflict

The Family Firm Institute hosted a recent half-day webinar on the subject of conflict, and since two friends and colleagues of mine were among those presenting, I thought I’d check it out.

They did a nice job of covering the territory and the feedback was great. My take-away tidbit, though, came from a comment from another experienced practitioner in one of the break-out rooms.

She’s someone who not only works with business families, but has also lived the family business experience, having followed her father into this work.

She recalled a quote of his, which was the initial inspiration for this post:

           “We don’t run from conflict. We dance with conflict”

“Ooooh, I like that”, I thought, as I jotted it down. “This will turn into a blog post”.  (Thanks KSM)

Something Good from Social Media

The second different angle that came my way followed in short order, when I wasn’t expecting it, from social media.

I love LinkedIn and have found many treasures there, initiated plenty of relationships there, and swear that there’s nothing else like it for business.

But my go-to “regular” social media is Twitter, which I use mostly for news, sports, and politics, because I’m a bit of a junkie for those subjects.

But every once in a while, I get a great nugget there too, and this was once such case.

I follow Dan Rockwell, a.k.a. LeadershipFreak, and he shared a tweet about conflict that included this magic line:

                         “Conflict Is a Leadership Opportunity”

If you go to stevelegler.com and use the “search” function and type in “conflict”, you’ll find blogs, videos, podcasts, etc. that discuss conflict in various ways.

But I’ve never, ever, heard it put this way, and it struck me.

One Plus One Equals Five

So now we have a couple of elements to work with, and you may already see where I’m going.

We’re talking about dancing and leadership, and when people dance together, ideally, in most cases, someone takes the lead, and it helps when their partner is a good follower.

This metaphor actually has some legs, and the feet at the end of them are wearing their dancing shoes!

And we haven’t even brought in the dance teacher yet, who, if they’re any good at their job, will always play the appropriate level and speed of music so the dancers can succeed.

Willing Partners as a Starting Point

In order for any family to deal with their conflict, they need to acknowledge that it exists, and then someone needs to have the courage to take the lead and put it on the table and insist that it’s high time that the family face it and manage it.

Notice I did not say “make it go away”, because that’s usually not a very realistic expectation and can be a bridge too far.

It’s rare for conflict to completely disappear, but acknowledging it can usually allow people to discuss it in ways that they can learn to make some changes in order to be able to manage it.

Or Maybe You Need the Teacher First

It’s great when the participants are ready to discuss the conflict and try to dance with it by themselves, but sometimes there’s an unwillingness to engage from someone, usually caused by a fear of making things worse.

In such cases, it can help if you find yourself a “dance instructor”, who can then convince the other party that you can learn how to dance with conflict together.

Or even if the parties aren’t all ready for the dance lessons, the motivated party might begin searching for someone who can hopefully lead them to some agreement down the road. 

There are opportunities for leadership whenever there’s conflict. Who will step up in your family?

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Serving Families in Crisis, Hopefully Without Hostages

Expect the Best, Train for the Worst

Friends, colleagues, and regular readers of my newsletter (same $0 as this blog subscription) know that I recently participated in a training program that was off the beaten path for those in my field of practice.

It’s taken me over a month to reflect on the experience and share it here, because there was so much to absorb.

Everyone with whom I spoke about this opportunity, before I went and since I returned, has been intrigued by the fact that I attended, and curious about what I gleaned from the experience.

This week I’ll share the salient highlights, along with some surprises.

 

“Intro to Crisis/Hostage Negotiation for MHP’s”

Before diving in, the only reason this possibility came to me is thanks to my social capital, i.e. the relationships that I’ve built and maintained with the fantastic people in the community I’ve encountered, via PPI, FFI, and FEC.

Being involved in various capacities with these peer networks has resulted in many cherished relationships, and with relationships sometimes come unique invitations.

So it was when Amanda Koplin, founder of Koplin Consulting, reached out to me and asked if I’d like to fill one of the extra spots in the upcoming training program she was organizing for her team.

She’d mentioned this weeklong program during our work together on a PPI committee, and I guess I sounded intrigued enough for her to extend this generous offer to me.

I still recall her initial idea: “In a hostage situation they send the cops, because it’s a crime; but it’s actually a mental health crisis”.

 

Role Plays and Playing Roles

So there I was in Nashville, surrounded by mental health professionals – “MHP’s” — (which I’m NOT, but trying to fit in) all being trained by ex-FBI folks.

Meanwhile, we were all learning the material these trainers normally teach to law enforcement officers.

There were some official “role plays” along the way, but I was also quite pre-occupied in playing the role of not sticking out too much.

It’s amazing what you can learn when you step out of your comfort zone. And yet, it was not nearly as uncomfortable as expected.

 

Key Takeaway Message

As I’ve shared with many since then, the most important learnings were about the attitude and demeanor one needs to adopt when presented with a crisis situation.

Not surprisingly, the ability to remain calm is fundamental to becoming a resource to those in crisis. 

Their brains are filled with anxiety and therefore not functioning in an optimal way, so just by being there and remaining calm, you can already add lots of value.

Perhaps my lack of discomfort with this aspect stemmed from the fact that I’d been down this road in previous training programs, notably those in conflict resolution and Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST).

It was underscored once again, and should never be forgotten.

 

Connecting with Those in Crisis – Not with their Heads

The second take-away was the importance of connecting with anyone in a crisis, and not just with their head. As noted above, their brain isn’t fully functioning in a crisis, so they’ll respond better to those who connect with them in other ways.

Getting someone to trust you in such situations comes down to connection at a deeper level whether you call it heart-to-heart, at a gut level, or having your souls connect.

Please note that these are my interpretations of what we learned, and these words were nowhere in the course materials.

In fact, I attended in search of learning to better connect with members of families I work with, so don’t be surprised that my learnings fall here.

 

Surprises Since My Return

Since coming back home, many people have asked about the experience, and so many of them get hooked on the hostage aspect, and not the crisis angle.

Indeed, some family enterprise situations do feature folks who do feel like hostages, but that’s really a whole other subject, because those are usually more “chronic” as opposed to the “acute” situations we learned about.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that colleagues also seemed curious about the “what to do” in a crisis angle, whereas my experience was more about “how to be” in a crisis.

Like many life situations, much of it comes down to a negotiation of some sort, which isn’t rocket science by any stretch.

Keeping a cool head always helps.

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Maybe Efficiency Is Overrated in Family Enterprises

It’s not often that I go out on a limb right off the top of these posts, but I suppose coming out against the importance of efficiency could certainly qualify as going against the tide when talking about business.

Of course I don’t typically deal in true business subjects, since my preferred domain is that of family business, where my emphasis is on the family aspects.

Getting things done quickly and efficiently seems like a laudable goal of course, with some notable exceptions.

The main exceptions I’d like to note here are those where you need to bring in the entire wisdom of a group of people, and where it’s important for everyone to feel heard.

Such situations abound in the family circle part of family enterprises, or, said better, enterprising families.

When Finishing Faster Isn’t the Key

I’ve dealt with certain examples of this before, notably in Going FAR? Go TOGETHER, which deals with a scenario involving a group of siblings in the rising generation of their family, preparing to eventually take on leadership roles, both in the business and in the family.

In recent months I’ve been involved in two group processes where I’ve truly embraced the idea of throwing efficiency and speed out the window, with positive results (so far).

The first example took place in a professional organisation I’ve been involved with as a volunteer for the past few years, as part of a committee charged with an important role in putting on our annual conference event.

The second example is ongoing, and has me playing a facilitation and mediation role with a sibling group who share ownership of some legacy assets together.

 

Professional Development “Live Case” Opportunity

In the first case, my role had recently changed from simply being a member of the committee to now leading it. I had the benefit of following in the footsteps of someone who had done a great job before me, but that also gave me big shoes to fill.

There are always challenges in putting on an annual event in the summer but having to make most of the planning decisions months ahead of time, and these are only magnified by the pandemic’s uncertainty as to what will even be possible regarding large groups six months out.

So we definitely had a number of considerations, lots of moving parts, and a general lack of clarity around much of the information we needed to base our decisions upon.

We also on-boarded three new volunteers to the committee, and the admin person from the organisation was also new, and had never been part of our annual event.

 

Learning About How to Be with the Group

There was plenty of pressure on us to come to some final decisions but I resisted the temptation to push for some closure on some items that I knew could and should wait.

It was way more important to make sure we took the time to consider all our options, evaluate a number of ideas, and take advantage of the wisdom of all the members of the committee.

As the head of the group, an important part of my role was to set the right tone and pace for our deliberations. 

Weighing many interdependent considerations and allowing everyone to share their inputs was more important than the somewhat arbitrary deadlines that could have distracted us.

 

Getting a Family to Take Their Time

The practice I got from working with that group set me up nicely for a new client situation where I’ve used some of those lessons to good effect.

This sibling group is getting used to some new realities and are learning to work under a more democratic decision-making framework than they were used to.

That kind of adjustment takes time, not only in terms of minutes and hours spent together, but in the days and weeks that are needed for new realities and understandings to sink in to each person’s thinking.

When you combine that with a severe “information asymmetry” between insiders who’ve always played key roles, and those who have spent their lives on the outside looking in, it’s key to set a pace that allows everyone not only to be a part of the process, but to feel like they’re part of the process, on relatively equal footing.

 

That methodology isn’t the most efficient, but wasn’t it the tortoise who won the race?

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On Family Alignment and Family Alliances

I’ve written about Family Alignment a few times in this space, notably here: (blog) 5 Things you Need to Know: Family Alignment and on my website, here (whitepaper) Family Alignment:What IT Is, Why You Need It, How To Build It.  And I even recorded a video (or Vlog) about it.

Lately, though, there’s a related word that’s been popping up in my life, so I want to talk about how the two words and concepts fit together, or not!

That word, as you can guess from the headline, is “alliance”

 

Designing the Alliance

Some readers know that I’m well into the 6+ month journey of my professional coaching certification process.  This has helped me up my “one-on-one game” when working with client families, and, consequently, the individuals who make up those families.

An important concept in the coach-client relationship is always the “designed alliance” that they co-create, which then defines the relationship they have and how they’ll work together.

It’s not unlike the “ground rules” that a family or any group working together might design to govern their meetings and their working relationship.

 

Dispensing with the Dreaded “Survivor” Analogy

Of course there are other places where the word “alliance” comes up with a different meaning altogether, as reality TV fans will recognize.  I’m a huge fan of Survivor, where being in the right “alliance” is often the difference between winning and losing.

On that show, each week someone is voted off and sent home, while those who remain continue to fight each other for the million-dollar prize that gets awarded to the lone survivor at the end of each season.

Can we all please agree that family business in its best form bears little resemblance to this format?

 

Alignment of Values, Vision and Goals

Families in business together can always benefit from taking the time to define their common values, and to make sure that many of their individual values are aligned for the good of the family enterprise.  

Likewise, a family vision, and the goals the family sets for itself, are typically easier to reach when all of the family members are united and aligned behind a common vision and common goals.

So alignment, in general, is good, and should be worked on.  How about alliances?

 

Where Alliances CAN Work in FamBiz

Alliances in business families can be a bit trickier, especially when certain sub-groups of people, possibly from various branches of the family, begin to work at cross purposes to others.  This is when things can begin to go off the rails.

But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any ways where certain types of alliances can be beneficial.  Here are a couple…

 

Sibling Groups

When I work with rising generation sibling groups, I might not necessarily use the word “alliance” with them, but it’s usually pretty clear that what I’m encouraging them to do is to act as much like an “alliance” as possible.

Such sibling groups are usually much more likely to get the cooperation with their parents than any single son or daughter would be on their own.

Realistically, sibling relationships will usually be the longest lasting relationships that most people will have in their lifetimes, longer than the relationships we each have with our parents, or with our children.

It stands to reason then, that care should be taken and time should be spent on making sure that these relationships are as strong and healthy as possible. When a group of siblings can begin to think of themselves as an alliance, I think that’s a good thing.

 

Teamwork in Each Circle

When people work together in any of the three circles (family, business, ownership) it can be useful for them to think of themselves as an alliance as well.

If a niece and her aunt are the ones who take care of things for the family council, it can make sense for them to design their work in an allied way.

Likewise, if there is an ownership group that meets periodically, those who lead that set of activities can find strength in allying their activities as well.

 

Design an Re-Design as Needed

And of course let’s not forget the importance of designing and then re-designing all of these alliances as needed, on an ongoing basis.

The time taken to reassess how groups of people work together is always worth it, and the need for these systems to evolve over time as things and people change cannot be overstated.

Get aligned, AND create the alliances you need.

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When the “Next Gen” Becomes the “Rising Gen”

This week we’re looking at an issue involving vocabulary because sometimes the particular words we use can have a big impact on how we’re understood.

Regular readers will already be familiar with the term “rising generation”, as I’ve been using it for about five years now, ever since I heard James E. (Jay) Hughes use it during the first PPI Rendez Vous I ever attended, in 2014.  The Rising Generation in Family Business

Hughes had explained that using terms like G1 and G2 (first-generation, and second-generation) was very limited and sometimes confusing, and suggested instead that we in the industry use the expression “rising generation”.

 

Look at the Life Cycle Instead

Here’s a paragraph from that blog from five years ago:

“So here comes the “Rising Generation” to the rescue. Hughes pointed out that when we refer to the rising generation, it helps keep everyone focussed on the fact that every person, and hence every family, and every business, has a life cycle.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself (see what I did there?).

So I started using “rising generation” or “rising gen” about five years ago, after some others like Hughes, but before many who have “caught on” more recently.

The field is evolving and so is its vocabulary, and “better words” can help people make important progress.

My favourite example of this remains “continuity planning”, which is slowly replacing the term “succession planning” which has way too many negative connotations, especially when it comes time to get people to have the conversations that are necessary. See: Continuity Planning: Who’s at the Table 

 

What About on a “Family Basis”?

Okay, enough with the industry vocabulary, let’s get into the more important aspects of this, i.e. in a particular family, when does the “next generation” actually become the “rising generation”?

I’m glad you asked, because it’s an important question.

And in many ways, it’s mostly a question of mindset. The interesting thing about a mindset, though, is that each person has their own mind, and therefore their own mindset.  The trick is to get the entire family to come to share the same mindset.

Let’s look at it from each generation’s perspective first, while recognizing that different people in the same generation will have slightly different mindsets, but that the most glaring contrasts are usually found when comparing the mindsets of the different generations.

 

Mom and Dad’s View of Their Offspring

Let’s start with the “NowGen”, who are the ones currently “in charge” of things, especially in the business, and typically even in the family.

When their offspring are young, little thought is given to their eventual ascendency to key roles in the business family. At some point, though, there comes a mental shift, where ideas about roles that these young ones might one day play, as their “human capital” matures, begin to take form.

But even then, those first thoughts are usually about them as the “next gen”, i.e. as people who will make a contribution “some day”, far in the future.  It’s almost like they are parked there, and one day, their parents will beckon them and they will arrive on cue.

 

The Rising Generation’s View of Themselves

Meanwhile, those offspring have their own views, and they are often more realistic, maybe because they are the main actors in this play.

As those actors think about their lives and potential roles, they are more likely to think of the progress that they have already made and will continue to make, because they are living the “action” of rising.

Their view of the process of the “rising” is truly “first person”.  They will more easily feel like they are on their way somewhere, and are hopefully well on their way to shaking off the label of “children”, which connotes being “stuck” at some age that typically starts with a “1” or worse, is a single digit.

 

When My Mindset Becomes Our Mindset

So here we are, back to the question of the differing mindsets in the family. My premise is that the rising generation’s mindset is the more enlightened one, and that it behooves them to do the work necessary to convince their parents’ generation of its validity.

The two key points there are these:

  1. The onus is on the Rising Generation
  2. It will take work to do it.

It won’t happen overnight, it’s a process. And it’s never too early to begin.

 

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My Planning “Preposition Proposition”

My Planning “Preposition Proposition”

Choosing the best title for a blog post can be “hit and miss” at times, as I’ve learned over the past 350 weeks or so (!)

Today’s topic sounded a bit lame when I looked at my notes, so I kicked around some headline alternatives to add some punch.

On the surface, the main subject seems a bit basic, but it’s so important that I felt the need to address it again in this space. 

And I felt like I needed to try to find a way to make it stand out, hence the alliterative title I chose.

 

Lots of “Planning FOR” Going On

In the world of family wealth transition planning that I work in, much of the time and effort spent by both families and their professional advisors involves activities that would fit nicely under the heading of “Planning FOR”.

Parents go see their advisors to make plans for their eventual wealth transition to their children.  They then typically make plans FOR the wealth, FOR the children.

 

Is Planning FOR the Best Approach?

As a hint of where this is going, keep in mind my promised “preposition proposition”, and see if you can guess where I’m heading.

A few weeks back, my social media folks posted a blog on LinkedIn that I wrote in 2018, called “Family Governance: From Filaments to LED’s”.

One of the unexpected benefits of having another person write the text of those content re-posts on Twitter and LinkedIn is that the word choices they make are often better than those I would have made on my own, because they see things in my writing in new ways.

That post, which included a link to that blog, was neatly set-up and prefaced with the question: 

“When planning for the next generation… shouldn’t you involve the next generation?”

 

LinkedIn: Where it’s Safe to Read the Comments

That question then elicited the following question, from Ian Marsh, with whom I often exchange comments on that platform: 

 

                    Marsh: “Planning for versus planning with?”

 

I replied that his simple reframe had likely inspired a future blog post, and alas, here we are.

 

Proposing a Preferred Preposition for Planning

So while planning FOR has been most people’s default approach to this important subject, I hereby propose a new preferred preposition.

The first order of business for every family should instead be, planning WITH.

This idea also conjures up other blog memories for me, because I’ve stated this viewpoint numerous times before, notably here, in 2015,

“Successful Planning: Who Should Be Involved?”

 

Hurricane Survivors, Meet Family Members

That post from four years ago featured a quote from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, that was painted on the outside of a damaged house that was partially under water.

It read: 

“Plans that are about us, but don’t include us, are not for us”.

It seems that many government officials had been scrambling around to do things for those affected by the disaster, but had neglected to ask the survivors what they really needed, or involve them in any of the solutions.

If you still need me to draw the parallel with the way most families prepare their wealth transitions, I’ll suggest that you just try a bit harder.  It’s right there.

 

Too Much Hard Work

I’ve spoken about this subject with enough people to know that this message is typically met with great skepticism.

This is not for every family.  The vast majority of families do not have the complexity or level of wealth to warrant the work that goes into this type of “purposeful planning”.

But even for those families for whom this type of planning could be and should be done, there is still a great deal of hesitation to embrace this approach.

It is hard work.  It does take time and effort. And it takes leadership.  Most families are lacking in at least some of those.

 

What’s It Going to Take?

I know that my “preposition proposition” will feel a little too “out there” for most families, and like I said, I know this isn’t for every family.

And even if you, as a solitary person who is a member of a business family, would be interested in this, how would you ever get the other family members to “see the light”?

I wish that I had a simple, “silver bullet” answer to that, but I don’t, and I don’t think anyone else does either.

But if nobody starts talking about it with the others, you can be sure it won’t happen!

 

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Efficient Vs. Effective Continuity Planning

This week we’re talking about Continuity Planning, which regular readers will recognize as the newer and preferred term for what many formerly called “succession planning”.

Too many still use the old term, but I’m doing my part to change the vocabulary, to change the conversations.

 

Efficiency: Let’s Get This Done

My bias is pretty clear, I find that far too many people look at continuity planning as something they’d rather not spend too much time on.

Especially for families who are running an operating company, which will normally have more than its share of fires to extinguish on a regular basis, taking time away from these urgent matters is typically a low priority.

It’s no surprise then, that when these families finally do agree to spend some time on the less urgent matter of continuity planning, their focus is usually on getting it over with as quickly as possible.

But just because something isn’t urgent,

that doesn’t mean it isn’t important.

 

Effectiveness: Let’s Get This Right

In contrast to focusing on getting something over with, some families rightfully prefer to concentrate on making sure that their efforts produce a positive result.

A quick Google search of the word “effective” reveals this: “successful in producing a desired or intended result”

This sounds like a much more worthwhile goal to pursue when a family undertakes this important work.

So why do so many families NOT get this right? Let’s go through some of the main obstacles.

A sign saying Effective & Efficient

Time & Cost

We’ve already mentioned that doing this right takes time, and we all know that “time is money”.

Furthermore, in order to make sure that your continuity planning will “produce the desired result” you’ll need to involve more people and “their” time too.

Many of those people will be family members, while others will be professional experts, again making time and cost factors that could stand in the way.

 

Professional Bias

I don’t love harping on colleagues who work in this space because ideally, I’ll work along with them to get the family to co-create the best plans for their circumstances and needs.

But so many of the experts that families rely on have their own biases that they have rightly developed over their careers.

You probably wouldn’t want to work with a lawyer who didn’t already have some pretty good ideas about how you could best go about creating your plan.

But that doesn’t mean that you should just turn the whole thing over to them either.  Or blindly follow all of their suggestions.

 

Touchy Subjects

The very idea of continuity planning necessarily brings up subjects that most people try to avoid.  We’re talking about death, money, and who will be put in charge of what.  Pretty heavy stuff, to be sure.

Of course, you could just be very efficient, draw up the plans you think are best and let the chips fall where they may.

But that seems so “20th Century” to me.  There are ways that will give you a far better chance of success.

These involve getting the people who will be affected by your decisions together and making them part of the process to make sure that your “intended result” actually has a good chance of working out as planned.

 

How Do We Do That?

It really needs to begin by figuring out, as a family, what that “intended result” could look like.

This can’t be done in a vacuum, and it can’t be done in one meeting.  There really needs to be a series of meetings, involving both generations of the family.

See: Successful Planning: Who Should Be Involved

 

What If Our Plans Are Already Made?

Now you may be thinking, “it’s too late for us, our plans are already made”.  Well, not so fast!

Do all the family members who will be affected by those plans know what’s coming?  If so, congrats, go to the head of the class.

For the other 90% of you, that would be a great next step.

See: Pre-Mediated Planning? Sounds Good To Me

 

The “Intended Result”

The final destination, or the intended result, should not be something that is dictated by the leading generation.

It needs to be based on the family’s values and their vision for the future.

That will take time to work out, but it will be well worth the effort.

If doing this important work means that you need to bring in an objective outsider to help facilitate the discussions, do it.

 

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