A Country Song Sparks a Blog – Again!
Whenever I get an idea for a blog post that allows me to link back to things I’ve written about here in the past, it gives me an extra incentive to try to pull all the pieces together somehow.
Of course, a decade of writing weekly gives me lots to look back on, and sometimes posts I thought were recent turn out to be much older than I recalled.
So a few weeks ago, when I heard a country song on the radio that sparked this week’s missive, I was amazed to discover that it’s been over 6 years since I’ve been inspired that way.
Back in 2016, it was Humble and Kind, which I had heard while driving to a family business function in Atlantic Canada. When that song came on again during my drive back, that sealed it, since so many of the FamBiz folks I’d met were both humble and kind.
I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a big fan of country music, but I have to admit that most of the lyrics are quite simple, and I find that inspirational for a number of reasons.
As someone who regularly tackles subjects that are quite complex, I am constantly trying to write about my ideas in ways that are easy to understand.
When you can already sing along to a song the very first time you hear it, you know that the writer has done something well.
When I wrote Blame it on Cinderella back in 2013, the lyrics of that country song had painted such a vivid picture in my head that I needed to write about the feelings it evoked.
Another Long Drive, Lots of Switching Radio Stations.
So here I was in July 2022, killing time between a conference in Denver and running a family meeting in Denver, with a handful of days in between.
I decided to rent a car and managed to cross another 4 states of my list to visit (48 now, only missing North Dakota and Alaska).
Over those few days, I tuned into lots of different radio stations, and I was not surprised that many of them played country music.
I lost count of how many times I heard Dierks Bentley ask the rhetorical “What Was I Thinking?”, from that 2003 tune.
I’m pretty sure that I’m one of the few listeners who immediately thought about Bowen Family Systems Theory every time I heard it.
Being Driven by One’s Feelings.
The song is about a fellow who ends up in some interesting situations, that make him ask himself the question, “What was I thinking?” each time.
The understanding is that he was clearly NOT thinking, because a thinking person presumably would never have allowed himself to get into all those situations.
In fact, in the line just before that question, he says “I know what I was feeling”.
Murray Bowen came up with his Family Systems Theory (BFST) starting in the late 1950’s and continued to work on it until his death in 1990.
When I began working with business families about a decade ago, I kept hearing about BFST and how it was a great tool to try to master if you are planning to work with families.
One of the most basic concepts in BFST is “Differentiation of Self”, where the idea is to become better at following your thinking rather than your feelings.
Family Situations Evoke Strong Feelings.
When looking for family leadership among members of any generation, you will often discover varying levels of differentiation, where some members are guided by thinking and others are more driven by feelings.
Dr. Bowen would encourage any family to put more faith in those who use their thinking brain more.
He also supports the idea of consciously trying to work on oneself to try to act less based on our feelings, and more on our thinking.
He talks a lot about the subject of anxiety, and the ability to function well even in anxious situations, where it’s clear that being able to remain calm and keep a clear head are hallmarks of the emotional maturity required to be successful.
Families with lots of drama can be extra tricky.
Great family leadership is essential.
If you’re interested in BFST and how I use it when working with families, please pick up a copy of Interdependent Wealth on Amazon.