Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...

Make Sure You’re Clear with These Distinctions

This week we’re going to explore some territory that can become rife with confusion, in the hopes of leaving readers with a better understanding of what often sets the stage for things going of the rails.

We’re staying in the land of families who are planning on transitioning their business and wealth to the next generation, which we already know can be pretty complex.

When I work with such families, it takes a certain amount of time and a number of meetings (both one-on-ones and in groups) before I feel like I have a good handle on all of the facts.

One of the toughest parts of this work is to be sure that I am actually learning objective facts about the history and current context, because so many people slip into sharing their interpretations of the facts, without even realizing the distinction.


The Family Diagram (or Genogram) Example

Those who do this kind of work, accompanying families on this journey, often start off gathering facts and immediately begin drawing a family diagram (or genogram).

This remains the best way to capture many important details about the extended family tree, including birth order of siblings, and facts like dates of birth, marriage, divorce, and death.

The old sports expression “You can’t tell the players without a scorecard” often comes to mind when I do this.

When colleagues of mine talk about this tool, someone eventually asks, “Do you share the genogram with the family?”

My answer is always, “It depends”, which sometimes leaves people underwhelmed.

But this is the perfect example of distinguishing a genogram that includes only facts, from one on which interpretations and subjective assessments have been added.

I’m fine sharing a 100% facts-only genogram with family members, if only to make sure that I have the facts correct.


Don’t Be Like Elaine from Seinfeld!

I typically follow up my explanation with a story about the potential danger of having my interpretations seen by the wrong audience.

I then ask if they recall the episode of the TV show Seinfeld, where Elaine goes to the doctor. 

At one point the doctor leaves the room, but Elaine’s file remains on his desk, and while he’s away, she cannot resist the temptation to open the file and see what’s inside.

There she finds that he has noted that she is a “difficult patient”, and things go south from there.

And it’s the perfect explanation for why I prefer to keep such notes in my head, and never write them down anywhere.


Interpretations Among and Between Family Members

A big part of the work I do revolves around helping family members have conversations around difficult subjects.

They know that they should be having these discussions but can’t seem to hold them and have them go well when left to their own devices, which is why having a facilitator can be a huge help.

One of the simplest ways that I can be helpful is to make sure that they know the difference between assertions that they make that are facts, versus those that they make that are their own subjective interpretations of facts.

An example might be useful. “Sam doesn’t care about his job, he never gets in on time” is not the same as “Sam got in half an hour late today, and it also happened twice last week”.

I think you can tell the difference.

But when personal accusations start flying, things can devolve quickly. Ergo the importance of having a neutral third party involved to keep things calm.


Let’s Agree on the Facts First

It’s amazing how simply making sure that the parties all first agree on the facts can be helpful.

A respected colleague recently shared that this is because the part of the brain that deals with facts is separate from the part that gets all tangled up in emotions, so deliberately insisting that people take the time to use their thinking brain can be very helpful.

When someone is charged with keeping the parties focused on the reality of the facts, more productive and less emotional conversations can proceed.

Family members just tend to act more civilized towards one another when there is a non-family person at the table.

If that person also understands their role and knows how to play it, that’s even better.