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Revisiting Some Downsides of “My Way”
Much of my work time is spent thinking and talking about supporting families through intergenerational transitions of one sort or another.
These families have achieved a certain level of wealth and success, and the hope is that these will both continue to serve their family well into future generations.
Many people underestimate the complexities involved when family relationships and financial wealth come together, and believe that some combination of creating more wealth and securing it in good structures will take care of things.
Regular readers and experienced colleagues will recognize the folly in those conclusions.
There are issues that may not show up on financial statements or legal documents but instead stand out on a genogram that can trip a family up along the way.
A Confluence of Meetings One Day
Sometimes my calendar ends up creating some unintentional sequences of events that happen to shine a light on a certain topic, and that’s what occurred one day recently.
In the morning, a colleague and I had an overdue catch up call with a client couple, during which we discussed where their family was still stuck in some patterns that weren’t working for them, and how we might assist in helping them break out of those.
Midday, I was a guest on a webinar with another advisor, where a number of topics were discussed relating to the responsibilities and the rights of rising generation family members.
Then late afternoon, I had a call with the matriarch of a client family I’ve been working with for a couple of years now, and some of the same issues from earlier were touched on once again.
The Strong Desire for Sovereignty
Thinking about all this had me flash back to a blog I wrote a couple of years ago, The Special Sovereignty of the G1.
Sovereignty, as we looked at back then, is about the “authority to self-govern” one’s life, or the life of one’s family.
Whereas the generation preparing to pass wealth down their generational tree typically wants to remain in control as long as possible and keep things together, the eventual recipients of that wealth often have a different viewpoint on those questions.
There can be a tug-of-war between these groups, while the younger members attempt to exercise their “rights” and the older ones want to first see proof of sufficient responsibility.
Managing these tensions can be difficult, thereby creating the need for non-family experts to sometimes assist in facilitating the necessary conversations to work through them
When Self-Righteousness Gets in the Way
Having been part of such conversations in various families over the years, I’m in a position to share of that experience both with family clients and with readers here each week.
Those meetings I had on that one day recently had a bit of a common thread running through them, and they involve a delicate matter that isn’t easy to bring up with clients.
It’s much easier for me to write about, hopefully in a way that gives me a better angle to raise the matter with clients!
The title of this post should make it obvious, while the fact that I’ve pushed to the latter part of this blog hints at the difficulty in even naming it.
Let’s just say that if you hope to have a good relationship with your adult offspring, minimizing one’s self-righteousness is a great idea.
Your Superiority Complex Is Showing
It would be one thing if parents simply shared their thoughts about their progeny when meeting with me alone, in a venting sort of way.
This is part of the role that advisors play, allowing their leading generation clients to blow off steam and complain about other family members.
Believe me, it works in both directions, and listening to rising generation family members as they share frustrations with me about their parents is also part of my role.
But some of them barely hold back when we’re all meeting together, and it sometimes surprises me.
When parents act as if they’re morally superior to their offspring and the judgement can be felt in the room, everyone is uncomfortable.
Let’s Get Together! Sorry, We’re Busy
When those same parents later lament that the family doesn’t often spend time together, I’m sometimes left shaking my head.
You’ve achieved great wealth and success, and raised mature, responsible adults, try just enjoying it together, without the unnecessary and unwanted moral judgement.
