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Addition by Subtraction in the Family Business

Sometimes Less Really Is More

This week we’re looking at a topic that’s actually pretty common with family enterprises, but that most people don’t like to discuss.

We’ll get into some tricky areas where family members all work together, and even though that can be great when it works well, when it causes problems, those problems get bigger in a hurry.

The expression “addition by subtraction” is pretty self-explanatory, but just in case it has eluded you, I’m talking about making an improvement in something (the business) by actually removing something (or someone).

In that specific context, I think you can all imagine why this can get tricky, especially when the person you need to subtract is a member of the family.

No Simple or Magic Solutions

Now lest you think that you will read this post and walk away with the silver bullet to make this easy to do, let me disabuse you of that notion.

Situations like this are never simple to deal with and there’s no magic answer here.

What I do want to share is that situations like this should not be ignored because they cause follow-on problems throughout the company.

When an underperforming employee is tolerated and held to different standards just because they have a certain last name, the work culture takes a hit.

The longer that persists, the worse the culture gets.

You may pretend that others don’t notice and are unaffected, but you are almost certainly wrong.

The Family Enterprise Model

Regular readers may recall that I’ve been redoing all of the courses of the Family Enterprise Advisor program (FEA), as part my new role as a project team advisor.

This has re-introduced me to a visual called the “Family Enterprise Model”, which I want to share here, as it can be part of the answer when faced with this kind of challenge.

This model is actually so simple that my friend Mr. Google came up empty when searching for a shareable version here.

It basically just shows that while a family may own a business, they also typically own all sorts of other assets as part of their enterprise, such as real estate, liquid investments, a foundation, vacation properties, heirlooms, a family office, etc.

In such cases, there may be other areas where the employee you need to subtract from an operating business may be more suitable for employment.

Ownership Versus Employment Compensation

Another consideration that families need to keep top of mind, especially when employment in the business is not a good fit, is to really think about how family members can gain from being part of a family that owns a business.

Employees get paid to do work, whether they are family members or not.

Owners of a business can also collect dividends, presumably when the business has made a profit. Such owners may also be employees, or they may simply be owners who do not work for the company.

When family members are owners who also work in the business, this distinction of whether they are being paid to work or are receiving compensation as an owner needs to be clear.

Confounding these two ways to benefit can cause problems.

The negative culture effects of a poor employee may make it so that paying someone to not come to work and having them simply collect a dividend may make more sense economically.

Sooner Is Better Than Later

When an underperforming family member is tolerated and not held to the same standards as others, it can become contagious.

The sooner you decide to deal with this the better, because it won’t fix itself on its own and it will probably get worse with time as others eventually become infected.

Honest feedback isn’t easy to deliver, but is necessary. 

In the end, the goal is for the family member to come to their own conclusion that continued employment is not working out and that a change of scenery will be better for everyone.

The Best Thing That Could’ve Happened 

You often hear stories about people whose careers took an unexpected turn, where the person is shocked to have been fired but then later looks back and admits that it was the best thing that could’ve happened to them.

That’s what I hope you’ll be able to achieve by confronting such a situation.

It’s not easy, but it is necessary.

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Where to Begin with Family Transition Work

There Are Lots of Ways to Get Started

Over the years since I had my calling to do this work with families, I’ve sought out and even created peer groups where colleagues come together to discuss particular cases they’re involved with professionally.

The way that one family handles the work of transitioning their business or wealth to the next generation will differ markedly from the way another handles the process, for lots of good reasons.

As someone who advises families and helps guide the process, I can tell you that this is not something you can learn from a book.

When there’s a good deal of complexity involved with the family system and in the assets they want to transition, there are always a number of places you can begin, and figuring out where to start involves plenty of discernment.

Recognizing That It Will Evolve

One aspect of this work that can go unrecognized is that it can be very difficult to predict how things will actually unfold.

The technical part of wealth transitions, like the legal, financial, estate and tax planning and execution that more people are familiar with, can be comparatively straightforward, compared to the family and relationships part where I specialize.

Quite often much of the technical work will have been done before the family recognizes their need for some support in learning how to govern themselves together going forward.

It’s so important to get families started on discussions about this early on, while recognizing that a timeline and exact steps will be almost impossible to predict in advance.

See, for example, The Evolution of Family Governance.

Looking for Some Small Wins Early On

Back to the various peer groups in which friends and colleagues from various fields discuss real cases we’re dealing with, it’s always interesting to hear the variety of viewpoints, ideas, and tactics we suggest to each other.

One of the angles I typically come from is emphasizing the importance of moving slowly, so as not to “scare” the family too much, while also trying to make sure that we make some quick progress and get some small wins relatively early on.

This field continues to mature and many tools are available for us to put into our toolboxes, and being flexible is an important element when doing this work.

The discernment required to read the situation and figure out what should be done next is always part of wonderful discussions with colleagues.

See On Discernment and Resourcefulness for Family Clients

On Setting Expectations and Timeframes 

Another aspect of family governance work that’s often underappreciated is how difficult it is to set a realistic timeline for the work.

This can become frustrating for practitioners early on as it’s always nice to promise the client family that the process won’t take too long.

I try to be extra careful in setting proper expectations whenever I begin working with a new family.

It is a process, and it will take time. And, trying to do it quickly can be a huge mistake.

The family needs to learn a lot and needs to become engaged in the process, and each family member has their own pace and ability for both of those.

My Favourite Arthur Ashe Quote

A couple of years ago in Starting a Family Council – Some Assembly Required, I shared some great yet simple wisdom that I like to remind myself, my clients, and my colleagues of, a quote attributed to Arthur Ashe:

                                                  “Start where you are.

                                                    Use what you have.

                                                    Do what you can.”

I’ve loved it since the first time I heard it, and it’s a great reminder when working with families.

In most cases the mere fact that you’re getting a family started is more important than exactly where you begin.

And of course at every juncture there needs to be a lot of thought and discussion around what comes next.

You can’t expect straight line progress either, as there are always some unexpected roadblocks and missteps along the way, which is par for the course.

More Art Than Science

Peer groups that include professionals who practice mostly in the structural content space are always interesting, because they often suggest great ideas, but may not appreciate the difficulty in executing them with a family.

This work is much more art than science.

I think of myself as a guide, helping the family make progress together, but where the pace of the work depends so much more on the family members than it does on me.

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Avoiding a Total Eclipse of the Family

Many Families Include Someone Who Blocks the View

This week happens to involve a confluence of events that are pretty rare, and we’re going to see how I can turn this all into something useful and entertaining.

As I write this, I’m on vacation, which isn’t common, and I’ve managed to leave 98% of my work back home. Keeping my weekly blog streak intact is the 2% I decided keep going.

The vacation mental freedom may be part of the reason I’ve actually looked ahead and taken note of the date this post will go out to subscribers and be shared on LinkedIn.

If you read last week’s A Different Look at Process Versus Content you know that I work ahead by one week, so while I’m writing this in Costa Rica, it’ll go out when I’m back in the office.

That publication date also happens to coincide with an exceedingly rare event, the total solar eclipse of 2024.

Extra Clicks from an Eclipse?

Almost all of my posts are designed to be “evergreen”, i.e. you can read them at any time and they’re still relevant, whether a week, a month, or 5 years have passed.

This one is exceptional to a certain degree, because I’m tying in a specific event on the calendar.

If you’re wondering if I’m hoping for some extra clicks, you may be correct, but it’s more about challenging myself to find a way to work the idea of an eclipse into the subject of family wealth transitions.

Thankfully, the eclipse is all about our solar system, while much of my work involves family systems.

This may feel like a bit of a stretch, but I’m up for it, having written a book (Interdependent Wealth, 2019) whose subtitle is How Family Systems Theory Illuminates Intergenerational Wealth Transitions.

Some Systems Are More Predictable than Others

Systems theory is all about looking at how a number of interdependent parts work together in key ways.

When you look at one part in isolation, it’s sometimes difficult to figure out what’s going on, but when you examine it in the context of the system to which it belongs, all of a sudden things begin to make more sense.

Our understanding of the solar system has certainly evolved in the past few centuries, and now there are only a few flat earthers left.

It’s pretty cool to think that there’s a solar eclipse today, and that we can already put the next one on our calendars, despite the fact that it’s decades away.

Our understanding of family systems has not been perfected to the same degree, and probably never will be.

Looking for Repeating Patterns

I’ve touched on family systems in some previous posts, such as A Systemic Business Family and Revealing a Family System to Itself.

As I work with families who are trying to successfully transition their wealth, I always like to ask about previous generations of the family and how things went during those transitions.

When you look at things from a systems lens, trying to find repeating patterns is part of the game.

A solar eclipse can be predicted with exactitude, while family patterns are comparatively blurry.

I’m always amazed when I speak with parents who insist their offspring all work together, despite the fact that they were unable to work with their own siblings.

Seeing More Clearly After the Eclipse

Many enterprising families are dominated by a single, strong leader, especially in the first generation(s), and they can unfortunately block out the proverbial sun for everyone else.

Here’s a definition Mr.Google unearthed for me:

Eclipse: to make another person or thing seem much less important, good, or famous.

Getting back to contrasting with the solar eclipse, the paths of the moon and the sun are entirely predictable, so you know when the eclipse will weaken and then end, to the minute.

In a family, well, not so much.

 

Begin your Transitions Before You Need to

Transitions of all sorts go better when done slowly and incrementally. See Start Cleaning Up your M.E.S.S.

Getting families to understand the importance of planning, discussing, and implementing gradual changes is a big part of what I do.

The message is not always well received by those who feel like they don’t want to give up any roles or power.

The tenure of the solar eclipse will end, as will the family leader’s.

It’s always unfortunate when outliving someone is the only way through.

Sometimes it’s the only true solution, but I’m always doing whatever I can to avoid such situations.

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A Different Look at Process Versus Content

A Look Behind the Scenes

The work I do with enterprising families who are transitioning their wealth to the next generation revolves almost exclusively on guiding the process that they’re following.

Such families also need to work with a number of content specialists, of course, who provide them with important parts of the overall solution they’re looking for.

There’s a big contrast between providing content and guiding a process, and one of the keys is simply recognizing which one you’re doing at any given time.

But this week, we’re going to deviate quite a bit from the world of family transitions, and look at process versus content from a different angle.

Over a Decade of Evolution

I began sharing my thoughts here on a weekly basis over a decade ago, just as I was discovering that the process part of this work was what I was called to do with the rest of my work life.

As it turns out, writing about 750 words every single week is not something that most people do, but I’ve got over 500 blogs up here already and have no intention of stopping.

In fact, as I write this, I’m heading out on vacation, and while I toyed with the idea of skipping a couple of weeks or recycling old posts, I decided to forge ahead.

Besides these blogs, I sometimes write longer form pieces, and I’m involved with hosting some podcasts too.

So all of that, plus two books I’ve written, amounts to a whole heck of a lot of content.

Switching to Process Now

Over the years, lots of colleagues have asked my why and how I do this, so the rest of this post will be about my process. 

I am constantly looking for (and listening for) ideas to write about. Every time I jot one done in a notebook, I typically send myself an email with the details so that I can keep these in a folder labeled “blog ideas”.

My weekly routine usually begins sometime on Wednesday, when I look at that email folder of ideas and choose which one I’m going to write about this weekend.

After sleeping on it, I sometimes get a very quick start on Thursday evening, opening a Word file, creating a title, and getting a decent opening drafted.

I also do a search for some accompanying visuals on Unsplash, where I try to find three eye-catching and relevant photos or illustrations to go with my post.

The Friday/Saturday Crunch

The bulk of the writing happens on Friday and Saturday, but it’s hard for me to say which is a bigger day.

If I really get rolling on Friday, I can quickly wrap up on Saturday. If I’m not feeling it on Friday, I’ve got more left to tackle on Saturday.

The most important thing I want to share is that each post usually involves at least 4 or 5 “touchpoints”, where I open the Word file and make some progress.

These involve spurts of writing that last 10 to 20 minutes, and move the post along by some percentage (say 15% to 50%) towards completion.

I do not carve out a block of time to do this in one sitting. That might work for some, but for me, I like to make some progress and then let it sit.

The next time I pick it up, a few hours later or the next day, I read what I have from the beginning and then add another section or two.

Sunday and Monday

My blogs go out to subscribers on Monday, and that’s also when they get posted to LinkedIn.

But that blog wasn’t written the weekend just before, it was done the week prior, to give the people who help me out with the back end work some leeway to do their parts.

By Sunday morning I’m usually just making sure everything is fine, and then on Monday I send it to my support team for processing.

Meantime, the blog I wrote about a week ago comes to me to be okayed for release on Monday.

The overall process is pretty standard now, but the details vary, depending on many factors.

Much like my work with families, the big parts are similar, but there’s a heck of a lot of variability along the way.

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Family Conflict Isn’t Always Negative

Irrational Fear Gets in the Way of Progress

More often than not, families try to avoid conflict at all cost. For reasons that most of us can easily relate to, it makes sense to try to keep the peace with our relatives.

Unfortunately, especially in cases where we either work with family members or own things together, the fear of any conflict actually ends up making things worse instead of better.

I’m not advocating that you look for trouble and find things to fight about, far from it. 

But, in many families, finding ways to get the positives out of differing viewpoints and priorities would do them a world of good and make things better for everyone.

It Won’t Realistically End

The genesis of this post is an article from Time Magazine that I recently stumbled upon, written by William Ury from the Harvard Negotiation Project.

The Time article is entitled 3 Ways to Make Conflict Less Destructive, and I want to share the parts I liked about it as it regards families.

Ury was the younger partner of Roger Fisher when they wrote Getting to Yes in 1981, and has gone on to become a global conflict guru of sorts.

His Time article came out as his latest book, Possible, is being published, and I recently saw a picture of the current US President holding a copy of the book.

The essay in Time starts off with Ury stating the obvious, “…we need to be realistic: we can’t end conflict.”

We Need More Conflict, Not Less!

Ury actually thinks we need more conflict, not less. Since we can’t eliminate it, we need to find ways to transform it instead.

My take on this is that when I see conflict I focus on the energy that it provides, as opposed to the inertia that comes from people internalizing their differences.

When families are afraid to raise and air their differences, small problems grow into bigger ones that end up being even harder to resolve.

So let’s get to Ury’s 3 ways to make conflict less destructive: a clear perspective, a way out, and help from others.

Getting a Clear Perspective

It’s easy to get so into the emotions that you begin to lose sight of the bigger picture.

It’s important to do two things when this occurs: slow down, and step back.

Stop the argument or the fight and breathe, and slow things down. This helps you think more clearly, using the correct part of your brain.

Then step back and look at the issues from up above, from the balcony, so to speak. See Getting Vertical – From the Iceberg to the Balcony.

When you slow down and step back, you’ll be able to see things more clearly and be able to think of ways to resolve the issue.

Finding a Way Out for Everyone

Ury’s second suggestion is one that I think applies particularly to families, because the ongoing relationships of the people are typically pretty important to keep in mind.

In fact, he writes “find a way out”, and the “for everyone” in the subhead above is my own addition.

As you have paused and stepped back to think things through, you really need to look at the bigger picture, which necessarily includes considering what the other side is saying and pushing for.

You need to find some way for each of the parties to get something out of the confrontation.

See Kissing your Sister: Playing for a Tie in FamBiz

If you expect to get 100% of what you want, and the other person 0%, the likelihood of them agreeing is also about 0%.

Help from Others (External Neutrality)

The third suggestion is one I absolutely agree with, and nobody should be surprised by this.

As someone who works with families, being that non-family person is a role I am very familiar and comfortable with.

Seeking help from others makes so much sense, especially in the context of the first two ideas.

An external person, who has no stake in the outcome, can help force you to slow down and step back, and help you find a way out for each of the parties, all while remaining neutral.

Better than Fake Harmony

Finding ways to work on the conflict together is so much more effective than continuing to pretend that it doesn’t exist.

Such fake harmony can be insidious, and only allows problems to fester.

It isn’t always easy to get started, and perhaps the three suggestions need to be reordered, so you actually begin with finding someone to help you out.

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Learning to Loosen Your Grip on Things

Letting Go Suddenly Can Be Difficult

As I was preparing for an upcoming meeting with a couple who have long been leading their family business, I imagined what subjects might arise during our time together.

At the very top of my list, based on some previous discussions I’d had with a some of their offspring a couple of years back, was the idea that at least one of them seemed very resistant to the prospect of “letting go” of their responsibilities in the company.

So I added the idea of switching one’s mindset from letting go to instead think about loosening one’s grip to my blog ideas folder.

Alas, as it turned out during our meeting, this challenge is far from the biggest priority for that family right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less blogworthy!

An Event Versus a Process

One of the mantras I always go back to when working with families is to stop thinking in terms of events that you need to tick off a to-do list, and instead consider the whole process of getting something important done.

Almost every one of my colleagues have said at some point “succession is not an event, it’s a process”.

I personally don’t like to use the word “succession”, and I began phasing it out of my vocabulary even before I became a fan of the TV series.

See Efficient Vs. Effective Continuity Planning, for example

Focusing on continuity, or what you want to remain the same, lends itself almost automatically to thinking more about process than any particular event.

A Transfer Versus a Transition

Staying with the importance of word choice, regular readers will note my preference for talking about the transition of wealth from one generation to the next, as opposed to its transfer.

Watch: Wealth Transfer Vs. Wealth Transition

Once again, though, the idea is the same.

I almost always prefer things to go slowly but surely, as opposed to rushing through something just to get it over with.

So the idea of learning to loosen your grip rather than fighting the push to “just let go” feels like it fits the pattern.

One Small Step at a Time

Part of the problem that some people have with learning to move forward with any change is simply stubbornness.

When faced with someone like that in your family it can be tough to get any movement, especially when you approach them in an “all-or-nothing” way.

If someone is reluctant to allow you to make a bigger place for yourself in the business, I suggest that you don’t simply give up, but rather look for the tiniest place to take on part of someone’s role that they hold a death-grip on.

Small, incremental steps, done without much fanfare or even any discussion, can be a way to start to get someone to loosen that grip.

See Asking for Permission Vs. Asking for Forgiveness

The Beach Versus the Pool

Whenever I think about this subject, I have flashbacks of my Dad, who’s been gone for over a decade and a half.

I some ways we had a non-standard father-son relationship at work, where he was often quick to want to do something big, and I was the one who preferred we take our time and take a more modest approach.

I like to walk into the water at the beach, while he preferred to jump into the deep end of the pool, proverbially speaking.

I think this is a contrast from what you might normally see, where the rising generation want to go quickly and the elders force them to slow things down and not change things too fast.

However, he was very slow and progressive with his retirement, where he started taking a half a day off each week at 55, and then added another half day to that every year, until he got down to one day a week.

An Updated Torch Metaphor?

Let’s close out with a torch metaphor that may not be the one you’re used to hearing.

The expression “passing the torch” is well worn and actually often counterproductive when it comes to family transitions.

I prefer the version where each person has their own torch, and the flames from the elders’ torches are used to ignite those of the members of the rising generation.

This way, everyone can maintain as tight a grip as they want, because it can be dangerous to simply let go of a flaming torch anyway.

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Seeking Resources to Get Back On Kilter

Does My Title Leave You Disgruntled?

This week we’re looking at an important subject that relates to how we go about looking for and evaluating potential resources to work with.

OK, it’s actually all about people, and how we get to know them and decide if we want to work with them.

Long time readers know about my penchant for creating acronyms or mnemonics to remember things, and this one, “kilter” is a bit of a stretch, I’ll admit.

The fact that we typically talk about its opposite, i.e. “off kilter” or “out of kilter” reminded me of another common word whose opposite doesn’t really sound right or even exist.

If this has you disgruntled, I invite you to consider its positive version, and imagine that it won’t leave you “gruntled”.

The Genesis of KiLTeR

Back to the subject at hand, considering people we may want to work with, and how to think about them.

For years I’ve been known to speak about people while noting whether or not I “know” them, “like” them, and “trust” them.

Whenever anyone brings up the name of someone and asks for my opinion, my go-to reflex is to share that they tick these three boxes, if that is in fact true.

“Oh yes, I know her, like her and trust her”, which typically leads to a nice exchange, and which presumably gives comfort to the other person.

That covers the K, L, and T, and more recently I’ve added the R, for respect.

Let’s break down all four now.

Knowing Someone Who Can Help

Naturally we need to start with whether or not you know someone, which seems straightforward.

Of course there are different levels of knowing someone, running from simple name recognition to whether or not you’ve spent the night at someone’s home and know their family members.

As someone who puts lots of content out there, many people “know” me, which is all by design, but most readers don’t get too far beyond knowing my work and into knowing the real me.

Liking Them Enough to Want to Bring Them In

Whether or not you like someone can also be tricky, as there are lots of people for whom my opinion has changed over time, and in both directions.

But if I don’t currently like someone, chances are that I don’t want to spend much time with them or even discussing them, much less recommending to someone that they may wish to work with them.

Trusting Them to Serve Your Client Well

Now we’re getting into the more important areas, and sharing whether or not you trust someone.

Again, this is not as simple as it might appear.

I trust my mother implicitly, but that doesn’t mean that I’d recommend you work with her to solve a computer issue.

I’m trying to make the point that when weighing the question of trust, it’s pretty important to understand the task at hand and the particular circumstances that need to be dealt with.

There are lots of people I know and like, but the number of them that I also trust, especially when you’re looking at particularly tricky situations, is a much smaller subset.

So when asking about trust, make sure you clarify “trust them for what?”

Respecting Their Work No Matter What

So we’ve now arrived at the latest addition to my list to complete KiLTeR, respect.

In many ways it’s the perfect capstone, but in others it may not actually be a good fit.

Presumably, if I know, like, and trust someone, I’ll probably respect them too. But it feels like there’s another level there, and maybe it’s something that needs to be built up towards over time.

Part of me feels like respect grows with time and repetition, but maybe that applies to trust too(?)

And that doesn’t even cover people you respect even though you might not know them or like them, which is also possible.

The High Bar of All Four

In the end though, if someone ticks all four of those boxes, that’s a pretty high bar

Getting to know someone is more fun when you also instantly like them, and then the more you get to know them, hopefully the trust and respect will grow as well.

Circling back to my title, about seeking resources, my hope is that my “kilter” mnemonic will be helpful in creating a sort of check list you can use.

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Bringing the Weather (and a Deck of Cards)

What Can a Leader Bring to a Meeting?

This week we’re going to be looking at meetings involving members of the same family, and the importance of leadership in the room.

This blog idea has its genesis in an online training session I was part of a few weeks ago, where the idea of “weather” was brought back into my memory.

Then, more recently, while taking part in an in-person session with a different group, my deck of cards idea received an enthusiastic reaction, which makes me want to share it here.

As luck would have it, in my imagination, there’s a way to bring both these ideas together, and you’re about to see if I can pull it off.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Leaders Bring the Weather

The virtual training was part of the Family Enterprise Advisor program, which I initially took part in over a decade ago. I’m sitting in on all the sessions again as part of a new role I’m taking on as a project team advisor.

The facilitation and communication module included some great gems I’d either forgotten or which have been added to the curriculum more recently.

At one point one of the instructors shared the line that “leaders bring the weather”, which I quickly jotted down, as it instantly struck me as “blog-worthy”.

It also brought be back to my days working in the business my Dad had founded, and a question I often asked his secretary (yes, that’s what we called them back then) when I showed up at his office and his door was closed.

“How’s the weather in there with the Big Guy today, Monique?”

Weather Versus Climate

Much like many entrepreneur founders, especially those from that era, he was often high strung and sometimes his temper was volatile, putting it mildly.

It was always good to have Monique’s “forecast” in advance, so that I could be properly equipped for what might lie on the other side of the door.

I want to distinguish between weather and climate, though.

I liken climate to corporate culture, and ours was actually pretty good and generally healthy.

Of course even in a nice climate, bad weather and storms do occur.

The point is, though, that a leader in a room can have an outsized effect on what the mood is like in a room where a meeting is taking place.

When meeting with several family members, and where that leader also goes by the name “Dad”, it can be tricky to make progress in some areas.

A Facilitator to Randomize the Speaking Order

This leads nicely to my next point, about how leadership in a meeting room is so key to allowing important items to be raised.

The second peer session I referenced above included some colleagues who were newer to the family meeting facilitation arena. 

We were in a small group exercise sharing our best tools we bring to such situations, and I decided to include my deck of cards principle.

I always bring a deck of playing cards with me when I’m asked to lead a family meeting.

(Interestingly, this is another idea I came up with on my own, much like Using the Meeting # 0 Concept with Families.)

This allows me to easily randomize the order in which people are given the floor to speak, which may not seem like a big deal.

Follow the Leader?

When a family has the foresight and wisdom to engage a non-family facilitator to chair their meetings, that person is given a certain amount of power, which they then need to understand how to best deploy.

Such facilitators are charged with managing “process” considerations as opposed to the “content”, which is what the family brings.

A fundamental component of the process is speaking time and speaking order.

In many such situations, the default has typically been to have Dad share his views first, with the expectation that others will agree with him and toe the line. 

I bring a deck of cards and have everyone choose one, and then I decide the order in which they’ll each speak, low to high, or vice versa.

Using Your Limited Power Judiciously

Any outsider who gets the opportunity to play such a key role for a family must also realize the limits on the power it contains.

Using this “power” judiciously will almost surely help anyone to be able to wield it over a longer term.

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Using the “Meeting # 0” Concept with Families

Co-Creating How You Will Be Together

Last week in Setting Expectations for Regular Meetings with Family, we ended up running out of racetrack just as I was getting to a key idea I wanted to share.

So because I enjoy having complete editorial licence over all my writing, I decided to kick this forward a week and address it here now, which will actually allow me to properly share it here in more detail than I would have as part of last week’s missive.

So much of what I write about here is borrowed, recycled, repurposed or re-shared from the work of other respected colleagues who work in this space, and I am eternally grateful for everyone else who openly shares their work with others in various ways.

It is therefore actually pretty rare for me to be able to write about something that I came up with completely on my own, which I will be doing here now.

“Let’s Have a Meeting # 0”

The origin of this idea goes back several years when I was working with a family client where I’d been brought in to coach the rising generation (G4) as they were preparing for various roles in the family enterprise.

After a year or so of helping them understand how to relate with and rely on each other, they were getting into the swing of things and had already worked together on organizing a couple of weekend family retreats.

Eventually, when it became clear to them and their parents that they were now ready to create a true “family council”, I congratulated them on getting to this point, and then suggested a first step.

“Let’s start with a Meeting # 0” I said. (Meeting Number Zero)

After digesting their somewhat quizzical looks for a moment, I continued.

“Let’s have a meeting with everyone who’s going to be involved in the family council, but we won’t jump right in and have our first family council meeting, we’ll make sure to lay a good foundation, and spend the time necessary to co-create what we want those meetings to look like and feel like”.

 

A Meeting About the Meetings

It would have been tempting to throw together an agenda for “Meeting # 1” and jump right in, but I recognized that because they were paying me for my guidance, it behooved me to do the hard work of slowing them down a bit.

I’ve since come to realize the importance of this, as I have deployed this idea on a number of occasions, pretty much whenever I’m involved with a group who are embarking on what is to become a series of regular meetings together.

A this point the idea of who will be involved has typically been agreed to, and the general reasoning behind the need for the meetings is also pretty clear.

What remains to be done is to set the stage for two key questions:

  • What are we going to DO?
  • How are we going to BE?

What Are We Going to Do Together?

This is the simpler of the two questions, as it falls under the heading of things we typically think about when we are talking about getting together.

The agenda of topics to be discussed is important, although before you actually begin, it’s hard to get into anything more than generalities.

In fact, if you already knew all these details, you wouldn’t necessarily even need to have a meeting, except perhaps to disseminate information.

As noted in Live from the Forum: Successful Transitions, when you are planning a “forum”, that entails plenty of open discussion, which theoretically can then go into a variety of unplanned directions (and that’s a good thing!)

How Are We Going to Be Together?

By far the trickier question you want to address in Meeting # 0 is how you’re going to be together.

See The Being/Doing Connection.

It’s something that will evolve, of course, but it’s worth spending some time upfront on expectations and desires here.

I hinted at a big part of this just above, when I noted that a “forum” or open discussion is desired.

In fact, the Meeting # 0 idea doesn’t usually apply in other circumstances where a “meeting” is essentially just an occasion to deal with the “same old, same old”.

We’re talking about an exchange of ideas with the goal of co-creating a future together, and that merits more time spent on building a clear, strong foundation.

/by