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Only in the Dictionary, Nowhere Else
This week we’re returning to some territory that’s been covered here before, but is so important that I want to underscore it again, with some new insights.
Almost a decade ago I first shared some thoughts on this subject in Understanding AND Agreement, noting that it’s important for both to be present, even though in many family enterprise situations you can have one but not the other.
In the intervening years, as I’ve been involved in and exposed to many more real world family scenarios, I’ve become more convinced that the only place agreement should come before understanding is in the dictionary.
Otherwise, the potential for chaos is high.
A Simple Example, Thanks to My Dad
My late father gets a shout out here every once in a while, and it’s usually positive, but not always.
See: No Dad, Coaching Is NOT “Helping Losers”.
Some of his teachings are indelible though, and this one is the perfect simple example about the importance of understanding before agreement.
“Work out all of the details first, and THEN agree to the price, otherwise you’ll end up in an argument”, he repeated many times.
Let me break this down, as it relates to a specific scenario where two parties are trying to agree to buy and sell something to one another.
Let’s take a house as our example. If we agree that I will pay you $500,000, but we haven’t yet defined all the terms and conditions, we’ll only end up with arguments later.
Exaggerating to make my point, imagine if, I thought it was clear that all the furniture was included, and that you’d move out in 10 days, and that I’d pay you $10,000 per year for the next 50 years.
Based on those terms, I’m sure you’d insist on revisiting the agreed price, or more likely kibosh the whole deal.
The Family Project Case Example
Regular readers may recall that I serve as a team project advisor for some participants in the Family Enterprise Advisor program of FEC.
See When Sudden Health Issues Threaten Transitions for another recent post about this.
A team I worked with recently came to the same conclusions about the importance of understanding before agreement quite readily.
Here’s an excerpt from a note I wrote to myself when I recognized their inspiration for this post:
“We need to make sure everyone understands what is owned, how it’s owned, who manages what, who is expected to own and manage after, etc., before they can agree to the new scenario”
One of the biggest thrills I get in that project advisor role is seeing teams “get it”, i.e., seeing them grasp the real world part of what they’ve been learning about working with families, “in theory” during their course work together.
There’s nothing like dealing with real people trying to work through their challenges to help you “feel” your way to such breakthrough learning.
It Still Happens Far Too Frequently
A key takeaway reported after following that program is how important it is to work together as an interdisciplinary team of advisors, because no one person can serve all of a family’s needs.
In fact, much of the work of a project team just involves all of the team members coming to a common understanding of the family’s current reality.
When you try to provide solutions before you understand where the family is, never mind where they’re trying to go together, you’re often just adding to the confusion and complexity.
There really is no substitute for actually speaking with all the family members to figure out if they all understand things the same way, because in reality, that’s almost never the case.
Slowing the Family Down Is Hard
When I’m engaged by a family to work with them, it’s not unusual for them to want to make some quick progress.
One of the hardest aspects of this work is making the family slow down so that all family members can come to the same understanding of where they are, so that we can then co-create the future together.
Family leaders from the “NowGen” usually have a good idea of what they want, and assume that the “NextGens” should just agree to Mom and Dad’s plans.
That internal family desire for quick agreement runs counter to what I’m espousing here, so getting them to slow down so everyone understands, first, is a common obstacle, but well worth trying to work through.
