My Belief Statement, 2026 Version

Back in 2017, in My Beliefs on Family Legacy Advice, I shared the text of an assignment I prepared as part of my Bowen Family Systems Theory training in the Post-Graduate Program at the Bowen Center.

I just completed a year in their new Differentiation at Work (DAW) program, and participants were once again offered the opportunity to share our beliefs.

I thought I’d share it here once again.

I can see the evolution of my thinking, I hope you can too.

Here Goes:

I believe that ONE person in a system can have an enormous effect on the whole system.

I also believe that to have the most positive effect on that system, that one person must limit their efforts to making changes in themselves.

To become such a leader in a system, they must resist the temptation to over function for the others in the system and of course overcome a similar temptation to try to “fix” others.

Resisting temptation can take lots of work, but it can be done, with continued effort, attention and intention.

When one takes a systems lens to a group and keeps their focus on the relationships between the people rather than on the people themselves, one can quickly conclude that the only relationships over which they have any control are the ones between themselves and each other person.

Such a view can help keep one out of triangles with others, which is ultimately for the benefit of all.

When a leader models such behaviour, with any luck it can become “contagious” and others will follow.

Using the I-Position is the simplest way for me to keep this intention top of mind.

Reminding myself, and others, of what I will do, and what I will not do, helps me to define myself to everyone, me included.

Another temptation that I have learned to avoid is the offer to help others until asked.

About a decade ago in a coaching call with my Bowen coach, I expressed frustration with my wife’s resistance to accept my help in dealings with a situation in her family of origin.

My coach, Amie, asked me to consider withdrawing my offers to help her, and instead to remind her that if she ever wanted me to assist her, that I was ready, willing and able to be a resource to her.

I mentioned this to my wife later that day, with low expectations, and I was pleasantly surprised by her response.

I have since tried to almost banish the word “help” from my vocabulary to positive effect.

For a leader to succeed in a system, it is paramount to remain vigilant to these old habits and temptations to intervene with others in ways that may be unwelcome.

When others know that you are there, know what you will do and what you won’t do, that clarity can permeate the entire system.

When adopting such strategies within a system for the first time, there can be a need to repeatedly remind others in the system of one’s I-Position.

It can take a while for others to adapt to a new stance. This is where maintaining one’s resolve to hold that position, even when there is resistance, can be a challenge.

Changes in how we relate to others in a system that we have been part of for a long time can create anxiety in others. Maintaining one’s position in the face of such anxiety is one of the most challenging parts of differentiation of self.

What will I do, what will I not do. Sounds simple.

Simple does not mean easy.

But focusing on oneself also simplifies our outlook, because we no longer need to worry about everyone else!

I have been working on some version of this for over a decade, and it has become so important for me in my work with families.

I frequently remind myself that being a non-anxious presence within a system has allowed me to be successful in anxious situations, and this has helped me keep my focus on myself and my own behaviour.

This has helped me to respond to situations rather than simply reacting and making things worse.

De-escalation is so much more useful than escalation when working with a family system.

Being an outsider to such a system makes it much easier for me to model this behaviour than for the family members I am serving.

Lastly, I believe that I am the most important instrument or tool in my toolbox.

I must keep myself sharp and ready, so that I can properly model a calm and non-reactive way of being in every situation, in service of the client families I am privileged to serve.