Weighing the Costs of Being Together
Just about every family has at least some members who view themselves as “one big happy family”, although many of those also include other people who view things quite differently.
While many strive for the “family of affinity” goal espoused by James E. (Jay) Hughes Jr., few achieve that status.
When I begin working with a family, one of the first things I try to sense (i.e. look for and listen for) is how much they seem to enjoy each others’ company.
I recently heard a new term to describe situations where simply being together with relatives is instantly uncomfortable.
If you read the title of this post, you’ll realize I’m referring to the term “emotionally expensive”.
Section 01
The Student Becomes the Teacher
I’m fortunate to play several roles in the ecosystem of the family enterprise world, including one where I serve as a project team advisor to participants in the Family Enterprise Advisor program, which happens to be where I found my calling way back in 2013.
It was during a weekly call with my current team (my eighth!) where they were preparing for the family meeting during which they were going to share their findings that one of the team members used a term I hadn’t heard before.
The family they were working with had a conflictual sibling situation and he mentioned that this was currently “emotionally expensive”, which I immediately jotted down. (Merci K.E.)
It was not something I’d ever heard phrased that way, and yet it resonated immediately because of its simplicity and clarity.
Section 02
Let’s Try This Out in the Real World
The best way for me to know whether an idea or an expression has legs is to try it out in the real world.
So, after hearing about something being emotionally expensive that first time, I decided to test it out, casually at first.
I shared it a couple of times with colleagues first and it seemed to land well with them.
Of course, sharing something with other professionals is one thing, because it’s kind of like preaching to the choir.
What would happen if I used this expression with family clients who have some real emotional situations that they’re living through?
Section 03
The Return of An Old Client
As it so happens, I had a client a few years ago where I’d become the only person that all the siblings trusted enough to run their meetings for them.
While I was never able to help them resolve their disputes, I did keep them from suing each other for a few years, which was an accomplishment.
They had initially engaged me during the pandemic after the estate of their late father had finally been resolved though the courts after many years.
Their mother died last year, and they’re now trying to put her estate to bed without the need to go to court, and they’ve reached out to me for support.
As an aside, this case is the reason I no longer use the word “mediator” to describe what I do, because there are lots of other people who do this better than me, and I now refer others in for such situations.
Section 04
Really Expensive Relationships, Emotionally
As of this writing, I have had one-on-one calls with two of the brothers and I threw in the term emotionally expensive once with each of them.
It landed perfectly with both, as they acknowledged that the situation they are in, which has them tied together for financial reasons, was costing them a lot in other ways.
These are people who would not spend time with each other but are forced to do so for reasons that are not of their own choosing.
The problem is that they’re stuck, and because there’s still a financial stake in this that’s too large to ignore, they will likely remain stuck for a while longer.
While it’s easy to say “buy me out”, that doesn’t make it feasible in real life, especially not in real time.
Section 05
A Family Project Is Not for All Families
When family members, usually siblings but then also cousins, are forced to be involved together there’s always a trade-off.
See Who’s In and Who’s Out of the Family Project.
The benefits, mostly financial, are assumed to outweigh the costs, which are less visible.
Those costs can be very high and can eventually outweigh the benefits in ways that are only really understandable by those who have lived them.
At A Glance
The Hidden Costs of Forced Togetherness
Tap each card to reveal the idea.
+Idea IListen for Enjoyment First
“One of the first things I try to sense is how much they seem to enjoy each others’ company.”
+Idea IIName the Cost
“Emotionally expensive… resonated immediately because of its simplicity and clarity.”
+Idea IIITied Together by Money
“The situation they are in… was costing them a lot in other ways.”
+Idea IV“Buy Me Out” Isn’t Easy
“That doesn’t make it feasible in real life, especially not in real time.”
+Idea VCosts Are Less Visible
“The benefits, mostly financial, are assumed to outweigh the costs, which are less visible.”
+Idea VINot for All Families
“Those costs can be very high and can eventually outweigh the benefits.”
Back in 2017, in My Beliefs on Family Legacy Advice, I shared the text of an assignment I prepared as part of my Bowen Family Systems Theory training in the Post-Graduate Program at the Bowen Center.
I just completed a year in their new Differentiation at Work (DAW) program, and participants were once again offered the opportunity to share our beliefs.
I thought I’d share it here once again.
I can see the evolution of my thinking, I hope you can too.
Here Goes:
Section 01
One Self Can Shift the System
I believe that ONE person in a system can have an enormous effect on the whole system.
I also believe that to have the most positive effect on that system, that one person must limit their efforts to making changes in themselves.
To become such a leader in a system, they must resist the temptation to over function for the others in the system and of course overcome a similar temptation to try to “fix” others.
Resisting temptation can take lots of work, but it can be done, with continued effort, attention and intention.
Section 02
Using the I-Position
When one takes a systems lens to a group and keeps their focus on the relationships between the people rather than on the people themselves, one can quickly conclude that the only relationships over which they have any control are the ones between themselves and each other person.
Such a view can help keep one out of triangles with others, which is ultimately for the benefit of all.
When a leader models such behaviour, with any luck it can become “contagious” and others will follow.
Using the I-Position is the simplest way for me to keep this intention top of mind.
Reminding myself, and others, of what I will do, and what I will not do, helps me to define myself to everyone, me included.
Section 03
Banishing the Word “Help”
Another temptation that I have learned to avoid is the offer to help others until asked.
About a decade ago in a coaching call with my Bowen coach, I expressed frustration with my wife’s resistance to accept my help in dealings with a situation in her family of origin.
My coach, Amie, asked me to consider withdrawing my offers to help her, and instead to remind her that if she ever wanted me to assist her, that I was ready, willing and able to be a resource to her.
I mentioned this to my wife later that day, with low expectations, and I was pleasantly surprised by her response.
I have since tried to almost banish the word “help” from my vocabulary to positive effect.
Section 04
Holding Position Under Resistance
For a leader to succeed in a system, it is paramount to remain vigilant to these old habits and temptations to intervene with others in ways that may be unwelcome.
When others know that you are there, know what you will do and what you won’t do, that clarity can permeate the entire system.
When adopting such strategies within a system for the first time, there can be a need to repeatedly remind others in the system of one’s I-Position.
It can take a while for others to adapt to a new stance. This is where maintaining one’s resolve to hold that position, even when there is resistance, can be a challenge.
Changes in how we relate to others in a system that we have been part of for a long time can create anxiety in others. Maintaining one’s position in the face of such anxiety is one of the most challenging parts of differentiation of self.
What will I do, what will I not do. Sounds simple.
Simple does not mean easy.
But focusing on oneself also simplifies our outlook, because we no longer need to worry about everyone else!
Section 05
The Non-Anxious Presence
I have been working on some version of this for over a decade, and it has become so important for me in my work with families.
I frequently remind myself that being a non-anxious presence within a system has allowed me to be successful in anxious situations, and this has helped me keep my focus on myself and my own behaviour.
This has helped me to respond to situations rather than simply reacting and making things worse.
De-escalation is so much more useful than escalation when working with a family system.
Being an outsider to such a system makes it much easier for me to model this behaviour than for the family members I am serving.
Lastly, I believe that I am the most important instrument or tool in my toolbox.
I must keep myself sharp and ready, so that I can properly model a calm and non-reactive way of being in every situation, in service of the client families I am privileged to serve.
At A Glance
The Four Pillars of Differentiation
Tap each pillar to reveal the principle.
+
Pillar I
One Self Can Shift the System
“ONE person in a system can have an enormous effect on the whole system.”
+
Pillar II
Hold the I-Position
“Reminding myself, and others, of what I will do, and what I will not do, helps me to define myself to everyone, me included.”
+
Pillar III
Withhold Unsolicited Help
“I have since tried to almost banish the word ‘help’ from my vocabulary to positive effect.”
+
Pillar IV
Be a Non-Anxious Presence
“Being a non-anxious presence within a system has allowed me to be successful in anxious situations.”
Musings on My Tribe-Mates, Post-Gathering
This week I want to take some time to share my thoughts on the kinds of people who, like me, work in the niche area of serving families, as they do the hard work of transitioning their wealth from one generation to the next.
A few weeks ago, in Soaking In the RendezVous Experience, Again, I tried to give readers a glimpse into that lived experience I look forward to each summer, where I hang out for a few days with my “tribe”.
Posting that blog on LinkedIn generated some nice reactions.
One phrase I coined in that piece, ““like-called” people” was highlighted by someone in a comment, which gave me a warm feeling.
I noted that the gathering is special because it brings together so many “like-minded” people who are also “called” to do this work.
Since then, I’ve been mulling over some of the ways my colleagues who do this work well are special.
Self-Selected to Serve
I’m pretty sure it was during my coaching training (over a decade ago now) that the term “self-selected” first came upon my radar.
Those 3-day weekend training sessions always left me both energized and spent, because of their intensity.
But there was no question that part of that intensity was generated by the fact that every person in the room had chosen to step up and be there.
We all cared about improving ourselves and our ability to serve people.
It was not so much about what we were learning to do, and more about who we were working to become.
Being part of a large group of such like-minded people, and sharing time together on the journey, is actually quite rare, and therefore precious.
I crave such experiences, which is why I am part of so many peer groups. See On Peer Groups and Feelings of Infidelity.
The Profession Versus the Business
Now I want to share an idea I got a few years ago that has stayed with me, and I’ll try to relate it to this week’s topic.
One of the gurus of the coaching profession is Marshall Goldsmith, who I heard speak a few years ago during a “coaching summit” event.
He noted that while coaching is a wonderful profession, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s also a great business.
Hmmmm.
Maybe the simplest way to rephrase that is “It feels great to support people as their coach, but not everyone can make a living doing it.”
And just like that, we’re back to the “calling” aspect again.
Another way to think about this is, “Do I prefer to make less money at my job in order to do work that fulfills me?”
That last question is also one that many rising generation family members I work with are grappling with, but that’s a subject for another week.
Venturing into a Tricky Medical Analogy
I want to conclude with an analogy I dreamed up recently, which I have not shared with anyone yet, not even in a discussion.
I fear it may be misconstrued, but I will preface it by saying I am speaking very generally, and I know that there are thousands of exceptions to what I am sharing.
A few months back, in Circle Gets the Square, Non-Hollywood Version, I broke the types of colleagues who work in this family wealth continuity space down into 2 simple groups, circles and squares.
The squares are technical in nature and work on structures and content, while the circles focus on process, relationships and family dynamics.
That post also links to a piece I wrote for another site, where I note the two major sections of the Ten Domains of Wealth model, that are labelled “Wealth Creation and Stewardship” (squares) and “Cultivation of Family Capital” (circles).
Who Are the Doctors, Who Are the Nurses?
If I told you that my analogy was about the medical world, which of those groups would we more likely ascribe to doctors, and for which group would nurses be a better fit?
This analogy also works pretty well in other ways, whether we talk about education requirements, remuneration, perceived importance to their clientele, and probably many others I haven’t thought of yet.
If you’ve ever been hospitalized for an extended period, you likely noticed that some professionals seemed to be more called to serve than others.
And you need all of them to get through it well.
What Does It Take to Play a Key Role in a FamBiz?
A few weeks back in Hey, the Expert Is Here! (Uh Oh…) I hinted that this post would soon be coming, as its genesis stems from the same virtual study group call that gave rise to that blog.
That missive dealt with the difficulties advisors sometimes face when working with families, who look to us to have simple, expert solutions to their complex challenges.
This week we’ll look at how family members sometimes have expectations for roles in a family business that are not well aligned with the reality of the situation.
I’ll share some insightful ideas while suggesting ways to avoid those misalignments by having some important conversations from an early age.
The Robinson Family and the “Scholastic” Case
Our study group occasionally uses a real life case as a basis for discussion, typically from a real family client of one of the members.
This time though, we took one from some recent headlines, involving the death of the CEO of Scholastic Corp., a book publishing giant responsible for some well-known series, including Harry Potter and Clifford the Big Red Dog.
When family business stories make headlines, it’s often for the wrong reasons, and this one does qualify, thanks to some of the decisions Richard Robinson made when writing his will, followed by his unexpected death, albeit at the age of 84.
The case supplied our group of “experts” with plenty of fodder for discussion. One of the members of the group (Ok, it was me!) couldn’t resist poking fun at one of the CEO’s sons, who was quoted in the Wall Street Journal story about the case.
Dressing Up as Clifford the Big Red Dog
The young man seemed to think he was in line for a position on the company’s Board of Directors, even though his most noteworthy contribution to date was having donned the Clifford costume for some promotional events.
That’s when someone suggested the headline I used for this post (thanks KH).
No, he isn’t likely ready to join the Board. But what made him think that he should be?
It’s hard to know for sure, but one thing was clear from the story, and that’s that very little communication about roles in the company of any sort ever took place between the CEO father and his sons.
He did communicate a great deal with his mistress who worked for him and who inherited most of his assets, though, which is what gave this story so much press attention.
Aligning Expectations and Preparation
I’ve written a lot on alignment and expectations, but very little specifically on preparation.
For rising generation family members who aspire to some role (or roles) in the family enterprise, preparation is a must.
It is not, however, as simple as one might believe.
In decades past, “go get an MBA” was a quick and simple way to prepare, and that’s still typically a valid step to be taken, depending on the desired and expected role.
Wise families now realize that there are important roles to be played not only in the business, but also in the family and ownership circles.
Preparation and Leadership – Who Can Do What
The whole question of preparation also drags along with it another key element, and that’s leadership.
That MBA may be the best way to prepare for a key role in running the business, as it has over the past few decades.
But other roles also require leaders, and preparing for such roles takes time and intention, and a recognition and acknowledgement that such roles are worth developing.
Leadership roles in the family clearly require different skills and abilities from those in the business.
Ownership roles are different still, although there are always overlaps.
Pushing AND Pulling Are Required
Regardless of what type of role you’re looking at, there needs to be action on both ends, i.e. pushing and pulling.
The rising generation needs to make the effort to push their way in, while the leading generation also needs to make the effort to pull them along.
Needless to say, this requires coordination, which means that communication needs to be clear and frequent.
It’s Never Too Early to Begin
So young Mr. Robinson, while removing the Clifford costume, could’ve asked his Dad about what roles might be available to him in the business some day.
And Dad also might’ve asked his son if he thought that some day he might want to play a larger role in the company.
It’s never too early to start.
A Necessary Evil Worth Getting Right
Working with enterprising families, there’s a lot at stake, because you’re trying to preserve the family’s wealth while also worrying about the quality of their relationships.
This work always entails some agreements that are put into writing and then signed by the parties, supposedly to make sure that all possible scenarios have been thought through, understood, and agreed to.
Preparing these agreements is done by well-trained and well-paid attorneys specialized in such matters, so everything should work out just fine most of the time, right?
If only it were that simple.
Formalized Governance Is VERY Important
I write about family governance a lot, but rarely about the formal written agreements that enterprising families typically put into place to formalize all the legal questions around both their business or wealth and its ownership.
The governance I usually work on with families involves their family relationships, and is thus typically much more informal.
Of course all three of these circles are interrelated and so the manner in which they’re governed cannot be looked at independently, but rather interdependently.
There’s More to Governance than Written Agreements
Although my specialty is governance of the family, I do get involved in how the written agreements relating to the business and its ownership get put together and signed by the family members, when appropriate.
My role, and my goal, is to make sure that the affected family members fully understand what they’re signing, so they know what they’re agreeing to.
Those agreements are necessary, so it makes sense to try to get them right, lest they be deficient when they’re actually needed in the future.
Ideally the relationships of the parties will be so positive that they’ll never need to rely on those documents, and they can simply gather dust.
And that would be a good thing, in my view.
Do You Want Them to Just Gather Dust?
This subject came up recently while working with a family; the patriarch mentioned that he didn’t want to have an agreement that just gathered dust.
He was coming at this from the other side, and from there I could understand what he was getting at.
It gave me a chance to clarify this question with them all (in addition to giving me another blog topic).
In short, agreements that gather dust are neither good nor bad in and of themselves, they are good or bad depending on the contexts of what they were designed to do, and whether or not the circumstances ever require the family members to blow the dust off them.
Gathering Dust – BAD Version
Some lawyers note that a majority of the agreements they draft never even get signed, because the parties can never actually agree to all the terms.
So when an unsigned version sits for a while, the chances grow that it will only continue to gather dust because the longer it takes, the less likely it is that the parties will finally agree.
Perhaps these should be considered a work-in-progress and some time should be spent finding ways to modify them so that the parties will agree and sign… but that’s a lot of work!
Gathering Dust – GOOD Version
In contrast, as I explained to the patriarch of that family I mentioned, I firmly believe that the goal should actually be to have agreements in place that do nothing but gather dust.
What’s the key difference in my version?
One of my favourite words that has come into my lexicon since I began working in this area is “co-creation”.
The best family governance is the co-created kind; period, full stop.
But what about when we’re talking about documents drafted by those aforementioned attorneys?
Well, they wrote them, but they wrote them for you, the family.
Making Them Your Own
So you all need to “make them your own”, which means that there’s some work involved by the family members to read and understand what’s written and to agree together on how they will use these documents.
You actually want them to gather dust and never be needed, so you need to figure out how you’re going to work together, with the goal of not ever needing to resort to blowing the dust off of what you paid those lawyers to write.
That takes time and effort, and often some outside help, and it’s all well worth it in the end.
Bring on the dust.
