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Is Control Going Out of Style?
This week we’re looking at the differences between exerting one’s influence over others, versus using our power to control them.
Some of the ways we use each of these are similar, and may even overlap, but there are other ways in which the differences are quite stark.
As usual, we’ll talk about these from the point of view of families preparing for some sort of wealth transition, and, as things typically go around here, I’ll weave in my own stories about how we even landed on this topic.
Things Worked Out Exactly as Planned
As a professional coach myself, I never hesitate to give a shout out to my own coach, Melissa, who’s had an enormous affect on me and my career.
(Sidebar of Unsolicited Advice:
Don’t ever consider hiring anyone as a coach
If they don’t also have their own coach!)
A recent comment from Melissa is the genesis for this post.
I’ve been on a Board of Directors for a local charity for a few years now, including the past couple during which I was the Chair.
As I prepared my exit from the top role, I was hoping to set things up with “all the right people in all the right seats” around the table.
We’re all volunteers, and we’ve never had a vote on any single issue in all the years I’ve been there, always arriving at consensus for every decision.
Democratic decision-making rules the day, not unlike it does in the best case scenarios in families I work with.
Through a variety of discussions with various Board members over the past few months, everything ended up working out exactly as I’d envisioned it for the executive committee going forward.
“Your Ability to Influence Is Strong”
When I shared this news with my coach, she said “You know that your ability to influence is very strong”.
I good coach will often point things out about their clients that we may not recognize on our own.
She coaches executives for the most part, and shared that they all ask for help on being able to influence their people.
I replied that I like to think about it as “soft power”.
Working with a volunteer Board can be tough for executives who are used to having some measure of control of others, but it seems from Melissa’s clients that perhaps control is less prevalent than in decades past.
A Client Stepping Back from His Company
Later that day on another coaching call, I was the coach and I was speaking with a long-time client who still owns his business but he’s stepped back from running it, and we ended up back on this subject by sheer coincidence.
He’s done a great job of keeping on top of things as the owner while resisting the temptation to reinsert himself into the day-to-day decisions.
See “Nose In, Fingers Out” for Family Business
He shared with me that he sometimes finds it difficult to continue to influence how the business operates, even though, strictly speaking, he still controls the company in every respect, from a legal standpoint.
This particular client is on the higher end of the self-awareness spectrum, and I love working with him because he is so atypical in this respect.
If You Can Influence, You Don’t Need Control
Ironically for him, he has control but is trying to find the right way to maintain his influence.
In many family business situations, the parents have ceded control from a legal standpoint, yet continue to make every decision.
These situations can be very tricky for the rising generation family members, who feel compelled to submit to the influence of their parents, often well past the point where it makes sense to continue that way.
It All Comes Back to Communication
As is so often the case, everything comes down to communication.
When you’re able to get your wishes across clearly and consistently, you’re going to be able to influence others better.
Whether or not you actually can control people’s actions (and you’re likely fooling yourself if you believe you can), making sure that what you’re saying and asking for is understood by all will go a long way.
A favourite quote is from George Bernard Shaw, who said “The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
If you’ve been clear and intentional with your words, your influence will grow, regardless of who has control.
