How Family Businesses Stay Ahead

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You Can’t Start Too Early – Or Can You

It’s Never Too Early nor Too Late – But….

This week we’re going to take a look at a common question that people in my line of work get, and dig a bit deeper into my standard answer, to try to test its limits.

It so happens that a couple of the client families with whom I’m presently working are showing signs of concern with the pace of our work together, which has brought this to the front burner for me.

I want to write something here that I can share with them, and at the same time make some broader points about how my engagements with a family can play out.

But first a flashback to a skit from an old Saturday Night Live episode that came to mind when I wrote the title above, which I immediately realized could be misconstrued.

 

“You Can’t Put Too Much Water in a Nuclear Reactor”.

That 1984 skit featured guest host Ed Asner (begins at 53:42) as a retiring boss at a nuclear plant, who gave the workers he left behind some advice that ended up causing confusion, from which much humour then ensued.

“Just remember, you can’t put too much water in a nuclear reactor” had some workers believing that you shouldn’t ever put too much water in, while others opted for the opposite interpretation, i.e. that it’s impossible to put in too much.

My “You can’t start too early” suffers from the same shortcoming, but my sub-head, “It’s never too early” clarifies my views.

Starting WHAT, Exactly?

It may help if I define what I’m referring to when I say “start”.

My work typically involves families who are trying to ensure that the wealth or business that they’ve created can be successfully transitioned to the next generation of their family.

Those efforts involve a number of legal and structural steps and procedures, of course, but those are always handled by other experts in those subjects, not by me.

My work is in the family circle, working the family dynamics and relationships aspect, which usually includes getting the family started with regular family meetings.

The work around these efforts, bringing the family members into these key discussions, is what I mean by “getting started”.

 

Try Not to Make a M.E.S.S.

I wrote about this back on 2017, in a post called Start Cleaning Up Your M.E.S.S. where “M.E.S.S.” was an acronym I had created to help readers remember four important aspects relating to getting started.

The “M” is for “Start Moving”, emphasizing that this is much more than just thinking about it or talking about it with one person, it’s about action.

The “E” is for “Start Early”, which is what we’re looking at today.

The two “S’s” are where it can get tricky for some, especially those who feel like they need to be in a hurry to get somewhere.

Some people just don’t do well with “Start Small” and “Start Slowly”, but they’re key for a number of reasons.

 

Why You Need to Start SMALL.

It’s important to start small because you don’t want to lose anyone along the way, and onboarding family members into such a process needs to be done carefully, because you really want to make sure that you will maximize their engagement.

Taking big steps would allow you to feel like you’re making big progress, of course, but if it means that some of the more skeptical family members aren’t ready to buy in, then big steps work against you.

 

Why You Need to Start SLOWLY.

Back in 2018, I wrote There Is No Destination, where I talked about the fact that life is more about the journey than the destination, and that’s an attitude I encourage parents to adopt.

Going slowly, and taking small steps, is important for the engagement question too, because again, you don’t want to lose anyone along the way.

You can really only go as fast as the group is willing to go, so erring on the slow side is what I always encourage.

 

There Is No Finish Line.

There’s actually no need for big steps or going fast when you consider that there is no finish line to this work.

We’re not trying to get to the last page of the book or tick off all the boxes on a checklist, we’re trying to make sure that family knows where they want to go and how they will work together.

That work never ends.

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Goosebumps from a Goose Encounter of the Close Kind

Human Insights from a Family of Geese.

When people ask me about my favourite place to be, and I want to be really specific, I mention sitting on my kayak, on the Chockpish River behind my cottage in New Brunswick.

I’ve written posts about my time here over the years, notably Stuck in the Mud? Don’t Wait for “MayDay” about an incident that has stayed with me for a long time, as well as From Upstream to Downstream in the FamBiz in which I raised some wealth transition lessons from a natural phenomenon.

But today I’m writing this post after a fresh experience that I had early on a Monday morning as I paddled along and came upon a family of geese.

Most of my blog writing occurs on Fridays and Saturdays each week, so for me to be working on next week’s post this early, you know that something resonated with me.

Just Minding My Own Business.

I woke up early and decided that the combination of the weather, the tides, and a light calendar of Zoom calls offered me an opportunity to get out there an explore the river just after sunrise.

It was a rare trip already when I met an oncoming canoe in the first 10 minutes, and I jokingly mentioned to the couple and their dog that I didn’t expect so much traffic.

Little did I know at the time that I was foreshadowing lots of honking!

Onward I went, minding my own business, when I approached what shall henceforth be called “Goose Island” heading south.

Mother Goose Shows Wisdom – Father Goose, Not So Much.

A family of Canada Geese were all on this small island, and one of the adults, who I assumed was Mom, saw me coming from afar and began heading to the far side of the island and into the water.

She was eyeing me the whole time, and seven of her brood slowly got up and followed her into the water, heading away from me, the oncoming perceived threat.

Nicely done, mama goose, I thought.

Then a moment later, I notice another adult, Father Goose, I assumed, who saw me a bit later, and who had three of their youngsters in his charge.

I had hoped that he would lead them away from me as well, but if that would’ve happened, there would’ve been no goosebumps nor story to tell.

Honk, Honk, Honk, He Bellows.

Father goose, with his three offspring, Tom, Dick, and Harriet, all enter the water on the side of the island where I’m trying to simply glide past them so as not to cause any unnecessary fear.

The incessant honking has now begun, as father goose is likely trying to scare me and also alert the mother of their goslings that there’s a danger in their midst.

They continue swimming south, trying to outrace me, and the honking gets more aggressive.

I’m trying to speed past them to put any fear at rest, but instead I’m seen as more of a threat as I accelerate.

I try widening my distance, but the narrowness of the river prevents me from doing so.

At one point, Dad even starts flying to get further ahead of me.

And then, suddenly, something changed.

The Rising Generation to the Rescue.

I looked down at my leg and noticed goosebumps, and was struck by the irony that they were caused by a goose, which I guess gives me a story to share if ever I’m on Jeopardy.

Suddenly one of the goslings, likely Harriet, decided to do a 180, and began swimming northbound, you know, the other way!

Her brothers did the same, I was finally past them, and Dad finally gave me a final honk, which sounded to me a bit like “honk off!”

Some Morals from this Story.

Aside from the fact that the gender attributions I made are mere guesswork, and that the whole affair didn’t last any more than a couple of minutes, I do have some take-aways.

Parents don’t always make the best decisions for their families.

What is perceived as a threat is not always a threat, and I was riled up by this too, as I did not want to get goosed!

Sometimes a well-timed move by one family member can end up benefitting the whole family, and often that member is part of the rising generation.

Later, as I passed Goose Island on my return, they all just watched me intently, with nary a honk. Phew!

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Family Unity: Uniformity Is NOT Required

They Both Begin with “Uni”, but Are Very Different

Over the past decade since I’ve been sharing my thinking here, a number of subjects have obviously been repeated several times.

Having defined my “turf” loosely as discussing the challenges that families face when trying to transition their wealth to subsequent generations, there are only so many general categories one can write about, especially if you’ve committed to churning out something new 52 times each year.

So as I embarked on this week’s post, I looked back to see how often I’ve written about the idea of “family unity”.

Well, let’s just say that I was surprised at how infrequently I’ve written about this subject.

Clues from the “Family HUG” Post?

I distinctly remembered one post from 2021 where “unity” was a key word, as it played the key role in the acronym I’d coined, providing the vowel in “HUG”.

See The “Family HUG” We’re All Looking For

That piece stemmed from a comment by a colleague during a webinar I was leading for the FFI course I teach on family governance (GEN 502, for the curious).

Lisa had mentioned that all families want the same three things: “Harmony, Unity, and Growth”, and as I noted them I was struck by the word “HUG” that they formed, and made that the genesis of the post.

But why haven’t I written about unity more often?

Could it be that it is so much of a “given”, because every family wants it, so it’s not worth discussing? 

I’m pretty sure that’s a part of it.

Is Uniformity Part of the Equation?

There are lots of “sub-plots” in any story of family unity, and one of the big ones, whether or not it’s actually recognized and spoken about, is the concept of uniformity.

Simply put, to what extent do we all need to be the same, in order for us to remain together.

This idea comes from the work of a friend and colleague, Nike Anani, and is mentioned in her book Lifetime to Legacy, which I recommend, as it had me nodding my head all the way through as I recently read it.

She suggests that differing views on how much uniformity is desired by different members of any family are worth exploring and discussing.

These are my own views on her writing about this, but they’re what resonated with me, my take-aways, and continue to evolve as I think about this subject.

Finding the Right Balance Between “Me and “We”

A common scenario sees the leading generation wanting more uniformity, with members of the rising generation preferring less.

When facilitating family conversations around this idea, words like “unity” and “uniformity” are never mentioned, but they’re always in everyone’s subconscious.

Sometimes when everyone is thinking about something but not speaking about it, that becomes an opportunity for a skilled outsider to broach the subject.

A sub-text here often includes a certain desire and expectation that the rising generation follow their elders and adopt the ways of their parents, because, well, they’ve been successful so far!

Meanwhile, their offspring have often grown up in a very different world, see things very differently, and have their own views, ambitions, and priorities.

These differing views are always at the root of challenges to be overcome, and the sweet spot typically lies somewhere in the middle of those views.

The ideal situation is one where the family finds the right balance between the “We” and all of the “Me’s”.

Diversity Is the Key to Maximizing Human Capital

A subject that I do write about a lot is human capital, and the idea that every family would do well to consider each of their family members as useful contributors to the family wealth and mission.

If all of those people are the same, i.e. too uniform, you will not be able to get as far together, because you will have a lot of redundancies.

Diversity is an asset and should be sought, promoted, and celebrated, as it allows the family more options and avenues that they can pursue together over coming generations.

Unity gets tougher as a family grows in numbers, it’s basic math when you get right down to it.

Families need to find ways for everyone to play a part in achieving the right level of unity, and uniformity is never part of the solution.

In fact, trying to force too much of it is often part of the problem!

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Leaning into Family Leadership, Together

Thoughts on Who Leans In and Who Leans Out

Most of the posts I write here weekly are based on ideas that have been simmering in my head for a few weeks or even months before I write about them for public consumption.

Every once in a while, like this week, they stem from an urge to quickly try to process a confluence of many recent ideas, before the potential magic they may contain begins to dissipate.

Leadership of families is often top of mind, but this week some conversations that included the ideas of “leaning in” and “leaning out” added to the mix, and so here we are.

Let’s see how I can tie something coherent together that is both useful and entertaining.

The First Family Meeting Is the Hardest

I should first set some important context though, because I recently had the privilege of working with a family for a number of months in preparation for their first in-person family forum.

When these go well, as this one did, there’s a magic that happens in the room, as the family comes together to discuss important topics as a group for the first time, and they typically begin to discover what’s possible for them going forward.

Too many families know that they should be discussing these things, but because they’re not sure how to start, or they fear that they’ll accidentally kick a hornet’s nest, they put these discussions off for “yet another year”.

So I was coming off a high, where I’d been with some people who had a new sense of possibilities for their future.

Yet Another PPI Call Inspires Me

As has occurred many times over the years, attending the weekly PPI Tuesday call was an additional source of inspiration.

The subject that week was women and philanthropy, and the guest mentioned that women need to learn to “lean in” to get more involved.

My friend Amanda, who was hosting the call and knew that I was in attendance asked if I had any comments, and of course I did (!)

They opened my line and I highlighted the concept of leaning in, and the fact that sometimes others, who have been leaning in, need to start to learn to “lean out”, so that others can play a more prominent role.

This applies to both women and men in philanthropy discussions, as well as to the Rising Generation and the Incumbents in families who are hoping to transition from one generation of leadership to the next.

How About the Outside Professional Advisors?

Part of the magic in a family forum comes from the fact that participants begin to realize that sharing of leadership is both welcome and required over the long term.

But the idea of leaning in and out is not just limited to the family members. 

As the outside facilitator of the meeting (and the only non-family person in the room), I also need to be aware of my own presence in the room, and to try to make sure I allow the family system to manage itself.

I may begin each part of the meeting by taking some leadership in teeing up a discussion or activity, but then I absolutely must lean back and let things happen organically, and only step back in as necessary.

If I try too hard to make everything work in a way that seems perfect, because I’m worried about looking good, I’m no longer properly serving the family.

My goal is to get the family members to lean in and put in the work required to build the connection and understanding with each other.

Sharing Leadership as a Family

The goal for many families is for their wealth to transition successfully from one generation to the next, and because that typically involves more people in subsequent generations, it’s important for everyone to learn to make decisions together in as democratic a way as possible.

Having all of the leadership and decisions concentrated in the hands of one person or a very small group can be a recipe for trouble.

There are usually more aspects of the family that require some leadership than they realize, and because everyone has different strengths, it makes sense to share roles among as large a group as possible.

And the parents first need to learn to lean back, and then the offspring need to lean in.

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The Importance of Enrollment for Family Success

Family Governance Is the Ultimate Team Sport

Shortly after writing My “Role / Goal / Control” Life Hack last year, I came up with another rhyming word that I could have added to those three, and I made note of it so that I could someday write this week’s post about it.

Looking at the title I chose for this week’s blog, you may have already guessed that that word is “enroll”.

I’ll quickly recap the initial post, which highlighted a three step way of looking at a challenge one faces.

I suggested taking a moment to first consider the role one was playing in the particular situation, then to think about the goal they’re trying to achieve, and then finally being realistic in understanding that there are only so many elements that one can actually control in any set of circumstances.

Moving Away from the “What” Questions

You may have noticed that all three of those questions normally begin with the word “what”. What is my role; What is my goal; What can I control.

Today, I want to add a different question, and this one starts with Who.

As in “Who can I enroll in this project?”

Some tasks are best handled by a single person, but many others have a higher likelihood of success when a leader is able to enroll the support and participation of others.

I write about challenges that families face as they prepare to transition their wealth from one generation to the next, and so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that I think that overcoming family challenges is particularly well suited to such group involvement.

Going Far, Going Together

A family “project”, as I call it with some of the families I’m privileged to work with, is by definition something that works best when several people are involved in it.

I can’t believe it was over 6 years ago that I wrote Going Far? Go Together.

That remains one of my favourite blogs, and is based on the African proverb:

                            If you want to go fast, go alone. 

                           If you want to go far, go together.

Needless to say, if you want to have people join you on your quest, it helps if you’re able to enroll them in it.

Some Definitions Are Useful

As often occurs when I write these missives, I end up Googling important words along the way, to make sure I’m as precise as possible getting my points across.

With “enroll”, I came up with some interesting angles:

  • “officially register as a member of an institution or a student on a course”

That one wasn’t exactly what I was going for, but just below that I hit pay dirt:

  • recruit (someone) to perform a service.

I like the part about recruiting, because it highlights the fact that there is often some outreach required from the leader in order to attract other parties to the task.

In Service of the Family

The “service” is also part of it, although perhaps less noticeably.

The person who is attempting to enroll others needs to convince the others that the “service”, or what’s to be gained, is for the benefit of the others, and ideally the whole family.

When one member of a family begins to take this task seriously it typically feels a bit lonely and even overwhelming in some respects.

Once they’re able to enroll one accomplice, it gets easier, as I discuss in The Exponential Magic of Family Collaboration.

The secret to doing this is to not have high expectations that it will be quick or easy to get others on board.

It really is a marathon and not a sprint, and various family members will each take their own time to understand what’s involved and why their enrollment is important to the success that the family is hoping for.

This Is NOT for All Families

For many families, all of this work is simply a bridge too far, and for most families it’s more work than they’re prepared to do.

But, for some families, it is exactly what they need to be doing, in order for the wealth they have accumulated to be successfully transitioned from one generation of their family to the next.

It truly is for exceptional families, in the true sense of the word, i.e. they are the exception.

I write a lot about family engagement and family alignment, and a big part of both of those is family enrollment.

It takes a lot work and patience to get everyone on board.

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Direction Comes Before Destination for Families

Admittedly a Little Bit Counter-Intuitive

In last week’s blog I talked about the latest super-spreader event that I attended in 2022, and enough time has passed that I can safely confirm that I emerged unscathed once again.

I did leave the latest RendezVous of the Purposeful Planning Institute with lots of good stuff, of course, as has been the case each time I’ve attended since 2014.

There was a small nugget in the opening keynote presentation that made me jot down one single word, and I’ve been reflecting on its importance ever since.

That word was “direction”, and even though I can’t recall the exact context in which it was shared, it resonated with me, and so now I need to share some of my thoughts about that.

 

Fundamental Human Connection

The theme for this year’s conference was “The Fundamentals of Human Connection”, and our opening keynote was wonderfully delivered by Akasha Saunders, from Cultivating Leadership.

When he noted the importance of direction it hit me like a lightning bolt, as if it were the missing link to a number of disparate ideas in my head.

I write about families who face the challenges of transitioning their wealth or their business from one generation to the next, which is never simple or easy work.

When I’m engaged by a family as a resource to them to guide them on that journey, they often ask me lots of questions about the destination we are trying to get to.

I don’t like to get into “destination” type talk, preferring to focus on the “journey” instead.

The idea of focusing on “direction” appeals to me, probably because it’s even simpler than the journey, and is in fact a small subset of it.

 

But Doesn’t the Destination Give You the Direction?

I wrote about this 4 years ago in There IS No Destination which was inspired by a great quote I’d read: 

                                          There Is No Destination.

                                                It’s ALL Journey.

                                                    All. Of. It. 

That remains one of my favourite posts, and now I’m please to be able to revisit it and add the importance of direction.

Just because it’s a journey, that doesn’t mean it needs to be random.

You have a general idea of where you want to go, and that helps you and your family to point yourself in the right direction.

 

In a Hurry to Get to the End

I recently ran a first in-person family meeting with a family I’ve been working with remotely in 1-on-1 calls over the past 6 months, and as we wound up our successful time together, we ended with a look ahead at what could be the next logical step on our journey together.

Some of the family members seemed in more of a hurry than others, as the idea of tackling formal governance appealed to them.

I discouraged them from trying to “jump ahead” too quickly, and we decided together that working on defining the family’s shared values made more sense.

I explained my penchant for attaching the adjective “evolving” to the term “governance”, and they agreed that this sounded prudent.

See The Evolution of Family Governance, among other posts.

 

Shared Values Help Provide Direction

Uncovering a family’s shared values provides a great foundation, and that helps inform the logical direction that the family members need to take.

Getting everyone pointed in the same direction, and then starting to slowly move the proverbial train down the track is how I like to explain it.

Are you heading west, or south? 

You don’t have to know exactly where you are trying to go to begin to overcome the inertia that keeps too many families stuck in neutral.

Sticking with the train metaphor, there are lots of places where a train can deviate from straight ahead and take on a new direction.

The flexibility component of not simply looking rigidly ahead to a specific destination should not be understated.

 

Engagement and Alignment – Redux

In Family Engagement and Family Alignment – Chicken and Egg we looked at these two key elements and how interdependent they are.

We can now add direction, and perhaps even momentum, as key areas for families to focus upon, as they work to overcome the many challenges involved in successful intergenerational wealth transitions.

Most families have a good general idea of what it could/should look like, but that doesn’t mean that the exact destination is known or even achievable.

Simply making sure you have the direction right is something worth thinking about from time to time

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Starting Fast and Moving Slow, Overcoming Resistance in Family Systems Conversations

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Fantastic Parts, an Even Greater Whole Community

Coming Down from a Rocky Mountain High

Over the years since I’ve been sharing my thoughts in this space on a weekly basis, there is one particular source of inspiration upon which I have drawn far more ideas than any other.

Regular readers can likely guess that I’m referring to the Purposeful Planning Institute, whose members long ago became my “tribe”.

I first attended PPI’s annual RendezVous in Denver in 2014, where it became evident for me that this community was unlike any other group of professionals I’d ever encountered. (I’ve yet to come across anything else even close to it since either.)

Having just completed our first in-person RendezVous since 2019, I’m coming down from my Rocky Mountain high and will share my experience.

Highest Membership Numbers Yet

I should explain my role with this group a bit further before I expound upon the “humble brag” that I’ve already set up here.

I’ve been serving on the Wisdom Expedition for RendezVous for 5 years now, including the past two years as its leader. 

Wisdom, along with its sister expedition, Experience, both sit below the Vision Expedition, which is responsible for each annual RendezVous gathering. 

The result is that the organisation benefits from a leadership group numbering a couple dozen committed believers, and that breadth has always been a hallmark of PPI’s success.

So when John A. Warnick, PPI’s founder and our fearless leader, shared that PPI’s membership is now over 450 people, there were many people in the room who beamed with pride, as this is the highest number since PPI’s initial RendezVous in 2011.

Pent Up Demand for Connection

Reconvening with one’s tribe is always great because although we’ve remained connected virtually in the interim, this is a group of “huggers” and many were long overdue.

And, at the same time, there were so many new faces this year too, and that bodes well for the future.

Our theme was well selected, “The Fundamentals of Human Connection” and I’m quite sure we won’t stray too far from that in the future either, as it is what sets the PPI community apart.

What we all have in common is a desire to better serve the families we work for, and doing so requires that we go deeper, and connect not just with our heads but also with our hearts and souls.

A Community and Its Members

Between sessions over the three days, there are lots of long breaks built in, during which relationships can be built and or rekindled.

By the final day, I kept returning to the same comments in my discussions: 

The whole of our community is greater than the sum of its parts, for sure, AND, so many of those parts are really fantastic to begin with.

As I often remark, the way we think about our professional community also happens to have many parallels to the work we all do with families.

Not all families realize how important it is for them to work on developing all of the human capital they have at their disposal in their family.

As we have the privilege to work with such families, part of what we often need to do is to nudge them in this direction, and encourage them to consider every family member and their individual development, and not simply be satisfied that the family remains wealthy or that their business continues to succeed.

A Few Highlights for Good Measure

Following RendezVous each year I typically blog about some of the highlights, but I didn’t leave myself much room this time.

From our opening keynote from Akasha to the closing salvo from David York, there were many other great moments in between.

The Dream Building session featuring Amanda, Cathy and Marlis was off the charts, the FRED Talks that I was honoured to introduce were all home runs, and the two Purposeful Connections speeches were wonderfully touching.

I was looking forward to finally meeting my friend Cindy Radu in person, but thanks to a late Covid diagnosis, she was forced to submit hers on video, and she blew everyone away nonetheless.

I always go to RendezVous to refill my proverbial “pitcher”, from which I pour for the other 51 weeks of the year.

As usual, the many firehoses that were present made it overflow and I left all wet, and very fulfilled.

See you again next year.

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