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On Trees, Forests, Blogs, and Families

Are You Ready for Some Mixing of Metaphors?

This was not supposed to be this week’s subject, as I had a different topic selected.

But then this morning, as I opened up the Calm App on my phone to select which of their morning recommendations I’d land on today, there it was, “The Big Picture”.

Something about that resonated with me, and when I clicked on it, the first spoken words were, “Have you ever heard the saying, ‘You can’t see the forest for the trees?’”

Bang, there it was. 

I actually paused the session to make a note of this idea, and once again wondered how it was that I have yet to take up this subject here, despite being at this on a weekly basis for over a decade now.

Systems Thinking Primer

The particular strong resonance of this topic almost certainly had something to do with an email I’d noticed moments earlier, in which I was being reminded of an upcoming guest appearance with an FFI (Family Firm Institute) study group that looks at systems theory in the family business advisory world.

Of all the expressions that quickly point directly to one of the key concepts of systems theory, that “trees/forests” one is right up there in terms of simplicity.

So, whereas many advisors who walk into a family situation and see a group of individual family members, or trees, it often makes more sense to concentrate on the forest instead.

The trees themselves benefit from their interlocking roots, which make them stronger, allowing them to better survive the elements than that lone maple in your front yard.

And when “trees” meet together to discuss their shared future, each of them may have their own biases for themselves or their immediate relatives, versus the entire forest.

An Outside Advisor, with an Unbiased Perspective

As someone who’s quite comfortable being in the room with a bunch of family members when I’m the lone outsider, I can tell you that it gives one an interesting perspective, almost like you’re the only one who can see things that are right there, but that are hidden to the individuals whose personal bias “blinds” them.

My own perspective is usually irrelevant, if I use it to further my own ends for some reason; but if I use it to reveal the forest to each of the trees, now I’m being a resource to them all. 

See Revealing a Family System to Itself

Getting to the place where we are not only able to see the big picture better than anyone else in the room, and then learning to harness that ability for the best interests of the group can become sort of a watershed moment for any advisor.

“The family is the client”, which was drilled into us during my FEA program training, is easy enough to “get” in your head, but when you get it in your gut and your heart, now you can add true value to the family.

Twisting the Metaphor for All It’s Worth

Let’s pivot now to something that may seem self-serving, but that created a bit of an A-Ha moment in my head when it came to me.

I must be getting close to 600 of these weekly missives now, and I plan to keep adding yet another to the pile each week going forward.

None of these posts stands strongly enough on its own for very long.

My visibility and following among those who practice in the field of working with families is largely based on the “forest” of content that I’ve created over the past decade plus.

And as I shared over five years ago in The Art of Conversation – The Key to Family Communication, it’s usually more important to have 100 one-minute conversations than 1 hundred-minute discussion.

Repeated small taps with the hammer will drive in the nail better than one huge swing, that might actually miss the target.

Similarly, one 750-word blog post each week has become my way to keep driving my thinking out into the universe.

My Propensity to Share

Yes, I’ve also written two books along the way, and may have another at some point, but this regular writing pace works for me, as it forces me to keep thinking, and finding ways to clarify the work that I do with families.

I know there’s a need from families for this work, and turning that need into demand is a huge task.

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How to Ensure a Happy Inheritance

The End Result of a Great Wealth Transition

This week we’re looking at a subject from a bit of a different angle, as I’ve decided to share my thoughts on a recent book that I want readers to be aware of.

As an avid learner, I consume my share of reading material every year, but occasions where I dedicate an entire blog post to one particular book have been pretty rare.

Well, Dr. Tom Deans has just published his third book, The Happy Inheritor, and based on the sales of his previous efforts, I expect that many people will read it, if they haven’t already.

I’ve been a fan of Deans’ work since I met him over a decade ago, and we’ve shared thoughts and conversations over the years, as we both toil in the field of family wealth transitions, and are both proud Canadians.

Feeling Compelled to Write and Share

Deans recently told me that he had not planned to write a third book, but then he seized upon a subject that he felt that he couldn’t let go of.

As an author and public speaker, he kept meeting people from wealthy families who were failing to follow what to him were some pretty straightforward recommendations when planning their wealth transfers.

Some great clues as to what to expect from the book come right from the front cover, where the secondary title reads “How successful families prepare heirs and transfer wealth”.

The fact that we both agree on the need to prepare heirs shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to my regular readers.

But there’s another line on the book’s cover that may seem a bit further afield from my writings, to wit, “Many people transfer family wealth with great care and joy, while others use it to control and destroy”.

While I can write provocatively at times, that’s a line I would not have come up with on my own.

Regular Family Meetings

If I had to boil the book’s message down to one statement, it would be something like this:

The best way to ensure a happy inheritance is to make sure that the whole family meets together regularly to discuss their wealth transfer plan, “with kindness, care and joy” (quote from the back cover).

My regular readers will recognize this recommendation, as it is something I’ve repeated here in various ways over the decade plus I’ve been sharing my thoughts on this overall subject.

While some families hope that they can accomplish a lot by having one single big meeting, where they download the leading generation’s “instructions” as a monologue, Deans seems to agree that a series of regular forums, where ideas are discussed between generations, is a more durable solution.

Beware the Covert Narcissist – Hiding in Plain Sight

I would be remiss in sharing my thoughts on The Happy Inheritor if I skipped over a very important secondary theme that Deans tackles throughout the book.

I already hinted at it above, and it’s all about the fact that in some families, there are some figures who are actually working towards a more nefarious goal, and enjoy using their wealth to “control and destroy”.

He spends a good portion of the book detailing these “covert narcissists” that exist in many families, and the fact that these people are often hard to detect because they always come off as nice and agreeable.

These people always say nice things and seem very friendly, yet they quietly go about trying to control everything and everyone in harmful ways.

These folks don’t exist in every family, thankfully, but they are more prevalent than you might imagine, and they can completely kibosh wealth planning for their family.

Understanding Appropriate Expectations

When you get right down to it, planning for the intergenerational transition of wealth in a family comes down to everyone understanding what’s expected.

As I wrote in Striving for the All AND Nothing Inheritance, most parents would be thrilled to know that they could leave all of their considerable wealth to their offspring without worrying whether or not they could handle it, while at the same time understanding that even if they left their next generation with nothing, that would also turn out alright.

The best way to make sure that appropriate expectations are met, is to talk about them together on a regular basis, in structured family meetings, ideally with the help of an independent facilitator.

 

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Refilling My Pitcher, Again, at RendezVous ‘24

My Favourite Annual Professional Pilgrimage

Almost exactly 10 years ago, I attended my first ever RendezVous of the Purposeful Planning Institute, not really knowing what to expect.

Before the end of the first day, I vowed to attend again every year for as long as I’m able, and have yet to regret that decision.

I just returned from my ninth in-person version, and having also attended the RendeZooms in ’20 and ’21 for reasons you can guess, my streak remains alive.

I’m already looking forward to next year’s event, even though, similar to a decade ago, I don’t know what to expect.

Well, that’s kind of true but also not, because even though the content for RendezVous ’25 is still a mystery to everyone, the culture and vibe are pretty consistent, and why I return each year, to “refill my pitcher”.

Fifty-One Weeks of Pouring Out

I came up with my “pitcher” analogy a number of years ago, as a way to explain why I always attend RendezVous, and during my most recent Rocky Mountain journey, I shared it freely with other attendees, to good effect.

As I explained to both newcomers and seasoned attendees, I spend most weeks of my professional life pouring myself out to others, regularly explaining to people, both members of families and the professionals who serve them, what purposeful planning is, and why they need to be doing more of it.

As someone who “gets it”, it can be tiring to continually spend time and effort explaining just why involving more family members in their planning yields much better results.

After pouring out from my pitcher every week, it’s wonderful to be able to refill it at RendezVous, congregating with the converted.

Reconnection, Sharing, and Learning Together

One of the great benefits of attending the same annual event is that you get to know a lot of people, and seeing them again after a year is heartwarming.

Many of my best friends in the field are those I reconnect with each summer in the Denver area at RendezVous.

The conference is also set up to encourage so much sharing among participants, allowing us all to learn together, from one another.

There’s always one outside keynoter, but the bulk of the content, both mainstage and breakout sessions, is self-developed by the members.

Some of the mainstage sessions include an interactive component, as do all of the breakouts.

That “culture and vibe” I noted above is so welcoming, non-judgmental and inclusive, that just about every person mentions it.

New Relationships Born Each Year

Each year there are a few dozen first time attendees, I always love to meet them and give them a bit of a heads-up on what to expect.

By the last day, when I see them again, I usually get strong confirmation that this group is very different from anything they’ve experienced before, and that’s never a surprise to me.

I also have a natural inclination to play the role of “connector”, and it’s great to have so many wonderful colleagues right there for fresh introductions.

I lost track of how many times I learned about someone’s work and asked them “Do you know So-And-So?”

When the answer is “No”, I always promise to be on the lookout for that person so I can introduce them.

In a majority of cases, I manage to complete the loop, often within minutes or hours, just because we’re all together. 

Inspired by Like-Minded and Like-Hearted Colleagues

Interactive breakout sessions with like-minded colleagues, who’ve been in similar difficult situations as you, are automatically fertile learning ground.

Being with others who do similar work with families, and sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly experiences with each other is as inspiring as it gets.

Sharing with like-hearted friends about your own tips and tricks, and ways of being in family meetings, and having them thank you for sharing, well, that’s pretty cool too.

Are You Intrigued?

I’ve just completed a seven-year run as part of the event’s organizing committee, and remain on one of the Committees of the Board.

I’ve met lots of people at RendezVous over the years who told me that I was a part of their decision to attend.

So, if you’re intrigued and want to talk, please reach out.

Footnote: Here are the blogs I wrote after this conference for the past five years:

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On Family Decisions on Family Inclusion

Beginning with the Right Group of People

One of the trickiest questions families confront when beginning to consider having the important conversations they know they need to have about future wealth transitions, is where to begin.

Huge sub-components of that question are, whom to include, and when to start.

So “family inclusion” is the main subject we’re going to try to tackle this week, which is often not as simple as we’d hope.

Some aspect of these questions is typically one of the biggest obstacles that families need to overcome in order to get moving.

Who’s at the Table, Five Years Later

Because this topic is so central to my work, and because I’ve been writing weekly for over a decade on these matters, I’ve already addressed it in some fashion on various occasions.

For instance, in 2019, in Continuity Planning, Who’s at the Table, we looked at this from the perspective of involving some of the members of the family into conversations early, because many of these people will be affected by the plans, so it would be nice for them to at least understand them.

Back in 2015, in Successful Planning, Who Should Be Involved, we talked about Hurricane Katrina survivors who lamented that they were not being invited into any discussions on how to help them, despite the fact that whatever plans were being made were ostensibly being made FOR them.

Let’s just say that I’m a firm believer in more open and inclusive discussions, wherever possible.

Primum Non Nocere – First Do No Harm

Today, I’m coming at this topic fresh off viewing a number of team presentations that I was lucky enough to sit in on as part of Family Enterprise Canada’s Family Enterprise Advisor program, where I act as a project team advisor.

A huge part of the year-long program is a team project, where a multi-disciplinary team of participants find and work with a real family.

A key ethical learning instilled by the program comes straight from the medical world and the Hippocratic Oath, and they’re instructed to abide by: “First, Do No Harm”.

Many of the teams mentioned this during their project presentations to their peers, so it was clearly part of their key learnings.

Let’s move to that angle now.

Who Might Be Harmed by This Work?

The first and most obvious part of this inquiry is surely to consider who might be harmed by this work of inviting the family to discuss the subject of an upcoming wealth transition.

Some families, including financially successful ones, have members who don’t get along well with everyone else.

Some families have members who have mental health issues that could be triggered or worsened during discussions of the nature we’re looking at.

The family leaders ultimately must make the decision of whom to include, but the facilitator should also be part of those discussions around inclusion.

Please realize that I’m not talking about cutting people out of everything forever, we’re in the very early stages of a longer process now.

Who Might Cause Harm to Others in This Work?

Another angle to consider, which is usually pretty clear in some families, is whether or not there are any family members who they might want to exclude at this stage because of an expectation that they could harm others in the family during such family conversations.

Some families have members who do not play well with others, and sometimes especially other family members.

When possible, it may make sense to begin discussions without such “spit disturbers” present.

Erring on the Side of Caution

I firmly believe in erring on the side of caution at the outset, and starting with a smaller group.

This is truly a family decision, which the family leaders need to make after some serious thought and consultation, along with the advisor(s) who are going to lead the process.

My view is that starting with a small group, and then expanding the circle outward when it makes sense and when it is safe, makes the most sense.

Everyone Is Invited, Nobody Is Forced to Come

Eventually, you want to have a situation where the members of the family group are pretty consistent, so that you can have a series of regular family meetings where important matters are shared and discussed openly.

It’s always nice to have it so that everyone is invited to join these discussions, but nobody is forced to join if they do not want to be there.

These questions are not as simple as they seem at times, and they warrant serious deliberation to get them right.

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One Generational Transition at a Time, Please

Let’s Work Through One Set of Complexities First

One of the benefits of playing a variety of roles in the field of family enterprise advising is that I become involved in all sorts of situations where family wealth transitions are discussed.

It comes as no surprise that the level of knowledge and understanding around ways to make such transitions go well varies greatly.

Having exposure to seasoned experts as well as those just discovering this field has given me some wonderful perspectives, many of which I then go on to share here.

Such is the case with this week’s subject, which I’ve heard raised by newcomers, likely because they’re working from more of a theoretical base than a practical one.

Allow me to explain and hopefully dispel some myths along the way.

“While We’re at It, Let’s Work on the Next One”

I’ll spare you the details of the backstories here, but I’ll share the generalities.

I sometimes discuss situations where families are at the beginning stages of planning how they’ll transition their business or wealth from one generation to the next.

These transitions can take a long time and lots of planning, which is typically supported by a wide variety of professional advisors along the way.

Every once in a while, one well-meaning advisor will get out ahead of themselves, and wonder if, while they’re at it, they should also put plans into place for the next generational transition too.

To clarify, I’m talking about planning for a transition from grandparents to parents, (G1 to G2) which is already complex, and where someone then suggests that while we’re at it, let’s plan for the next one, G2 to G3.

Please stop. Please resist the temptation to go too far.

The Tax Tail Wagging the Dog

Of course I’m aware that many of the professionals who work with families on such transitions are very much enamored with the concept of maximizing tax savings for their clients, and I like to pay less to the government than more, wherever possible.

But, and it’s a big but, decisions made based on minimizing taxes need to be made with a full understanding of all of their side effects, not based on the assumption that all of the other things will magically just take care of themselves.

When I refer to “all of the other things”, regular readers will recognize that my focus here is on the family relationships and the human side of such wealth transitions.

If G1 owns and controls the wealth today, and G2 is expected to own and control it in another decade or two (or three), that’s already a very long term plan, which hopefully has some flexibility built into it.

When those who are in control today attempt to look farther out into the future, well past their own expiry dates, my view is that you’re asking for trouble.

Getting to Assume the Leadership Roles

Those who are expected to assume family leadership roles after the next transition may begin to think about what that will be like and make plans for how they’ll handle these roles well in advance, and that’s a good thing.

But until they get there and actually live with that reality and walk a mile in those shoes, it isn’t realistic to expect them to do a great deal of planning around how they’ll handle the transition to their succeeding generation.

And when too much tightly structured planning has already occurred before they get to assume control themselves, putting them in a box as to what they’re able to do when the time comes to transition to their offspring, the resentment they’ll feel towards their predecessors may be enormous.

One generational transition at a time, please, as I stated in my title.

Paved with the Greatest of Intentions

In almost every case, those who create highly structured plans do so with the best intentions.

They want the wealth that they created to last for generations, and so they go to great lengths to try to make sure that nothing bad can occur to get in the way of that happening.

Subsequent generations of their family will therefore inherit a great deal of wealth, but of course that wealth brings with it a number of structures and restrictions too.

Unfortunately, professionals who advise these wealthy clients can sometimes become more a part of the problem than part of the solution.

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Too Good NOT to Share

Perspectives on Sharing, Learning, and Abundance

This week’s post is a sort of confluence of ideas, some new and others I’ve shared previously, that have been swarming in my head for a while.

The best way for me to deal with situations like this is to begin to write, and share what’s on my mind.

And that’s good, because our main subject this week is sharing, and, in large part, my desire to share, constantly.

Some things, in my world, are simply too good not to share.

« Trop Beau Pour PAS Voir »

Years ago, I sold a cottage to a couple who, shortly after moving in, decided to cut down all the trees that “blocked” their view of the river about 50 yards away.

When I visited them and made a comment about the deforestation, the response from one of them was “C’est bien trop beau pour PAS voir!”, which translates to “It’s too beautiful to NOT see”.

That was about a decade ago, and it’s stayed with me ever since, and my feelings about sharing are at least as strong as their desire to insist on that view.

On Stories and Narratives

A few weeks back, in On Stories and Narratives in Enterprising Families, we looked at the importance of sharing stories in families, in order to create and enhance a narrative and family culture.

The sharing of the stories and the development of rituals around them are what help cement memories that can then help a family instill and carry on their shared values.

The idea of sharing thus applies within a family, but as we saw in IFG: Real People, Real Stories, Real Learning, families can learn from each other when they share their experiences.

Sometimes we can learn from good ideas that worked and imitate them, and other times we can learn what didn’t work and avoid mistakes.

Preaching to an Expanding Choir

So sharing is great within a family and between families, but one of the biggest surprises for me since I began sharing my thoughts on this work, is how much my writings seem to resonate with other professionals who also work with families in one capacity or another.

I hinted a bit at this last week in Crossing All the T’s in Family Philanthropy, where I noted that discovering the idea of “Testimony” created an A-Ha moment for me, since I’ve been doing this obsessively for over ten years now.

I’ve been saying for years that there’s a huge need for the kind of work me and my colleagues do for families, but even with a strong need, it doesn’t necessarily translate into a “demand” for these services.

Well, I’m starting to see lots of little signs that this is beginning to change, and continuing to share our experiences and lessons will always be a big part of the expansion.

 Many Disciplines Coming Together for Families

I’m part of the faculty of the Family Firm Institute’s global education program, where I see first hand the growing desire for professionals who serve families to learn to work together to serve the needs of our family clients, not just with products and solutions, but also in accompanying them on their family journey towards better governance.

I also serve as a project team advisor for Family Enterprise Canada’s FEA Program, where I work with participants doing their team project with a real family, and I’ve seen advisors transform how they serve their clients there too.

We can and must continue to share our learnings, as we increase the “supply” of qualified professionals to meet the demand, as it grows, thanks to families now learning more about the fact that there are people out here who can support them in this work.

An Abundance Mentality: There’s Plenty for Everyone

If, or maybe it’s when, all families who need guidance and support in these areas all discover that there are in fact qualified, trained caring professionals to be there to walk with them on this journey, there will be more work than we can handle.

This abundance mentality also seems to be something that most of my colleagues share as well, and that bodes well as we continue to expand the field.

We need to continue educating the advisors, as well as educating the client families that we are here to serve them.

This is all too good, and too important, not to share!

And I always love to discover others out here who are spreading this gospel far and wide, giving testimony to this work.

More work remains to be done.

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Crossing All of the T’s in Family Philanthropy

Using the Side Door to Family Governance

During the past few years, I’ve been noticing an increasing focus on the subject of philanthropy, especially as it concerns families of wealth.

Naturally, families of means are solicited to support causes in their local communities and everywhere else, so there really isn’t much new there.

What is new is that having multiple generations of families get involved with how the family conducts its giving, and all of the decisions this entails, is finally being recognized as a great way to begin to address the subject of family governance.

This idea came home to me a few years ago, as I hosted an episode of the Let’s Talk Family Enterprise podcast dealing with the subject.

Since that discussion with friend and colleague Dr. Sharilyn Hale, I’ve thought about philanthropy as kind of a “side door” to initiating family governance.

Families Working on Experiential Philanthropy

I recently facilitated a family meeting with clients I’ve worked with for a couple of years in my role as a navigator with More than Money 360 (“MTM 360”).

One of the themes for this year’s family project was experiential philanthropy, and I got to see first hand how spending some time visiting with a local charity as a family can really begin to drive home lots of key messages.

The debrief after our visit, which included some light volunteer work and lots of education around the mission, touched on a number of the areas that are part of the many “T’s” of philanthropy, which is where we’ll head to now.

Having heard about the “4 T’s of philanthropy” a number of times, I was recently made aware that a fifth T was added.

It was a head scratcher at the start, which turned into a personal A-Ha moment.

Time, Treasure, Talent, and Ties

The family I accompanied on their visit to the HQ of the organisation in question spent some of their time doing some volunteer work during our visit, and of course “Time” spent is a common way that people donate to good causes.

Treasure, a.k.a. donating money, is also a highly sought after type of contribution, and I’m certain that a monetary donation will soon follow from the family to the charity who welcomed us all.

Talent is another way that people can give to worthwhile causes, and this often takes the form of using one’s professional skills on behalf of an organisation without charging them, or on a highly discounted basis.

The fourth of the 4 T’s is Ties, or using one’s social capital to help a charitable organisation make important connections to others (donors, politicians, like-minded organisations, etc.) that they would have difficulty making on their own.

And What About Testimony?

As noted above, I was recently at a presentation with some peers where someone put up a slide that showed a fifth T, which I was not aware of until then, “testimony”.

Hmmm, I thought, that’s odd, what does that even mean?

Here’s something I found later via Google, which neatly summarizes it:

“Testimony is a way of giving back that involves sharing your personal story of why and how you give back. You could write a blog post, record a video, or speak at an event to inspire others to join you in making a difference.”

“Oh, I get it”, I said to myself after it was explained.

And them came the “A-Ha” moment.

Okay, Okay, I Know, This Is NOT Charity

While working with families to support them through their generational wealth transition is not a charitable cause, it is an area that is still relatively embryonic, and thus needs support to grow into its potential.

My A-Ha upon discovering that Testimony is a way to contribute, was realising that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing for over a decade now, here and elsewhere.

I continue to write blog posts, make videos, speak at conferences, teach courses, etc., all in the name of advancing this cause.

Evangelizing and Spreading the Gospel

As I wrote 5 years ago in Spreading the Gospel, Let Me Count the Ways I’ve taken this cause on as kind of my hobby horse, after recognizing during the FEA Program in 2013 that there’s a crying need for families needing support with this difficult work.

I’m not sure I’d ever imagined becoming an evangelist for any cause, but alas, here I am, spreading the gospel everywhere I can.

It feels like my testimony is slowly helping, so I will continue….

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Nuances Between Working For and Working With

Yet Another Subtle Yet Huge Distinction

A few weeks back, in Feeling Like You Belong, Or Just Trying to Fit In, I kicked off my weekly post with something that looks like a minor difference, but that’s actually pretty significant when you break it down.

Such is the case once again with our current topic, which is interesting for a couple of reasons.

First off, this is yet another basic topic that I cannot believe I haven’t written about here before, despite writing each and every week for over a decade now.

Second, it was inspired by a question my daughter asked me recently, based on something she noted that I’d posted on LinkedIn.

You know your kids are grown up when that’s the platform you have in common.

My Joining Blackwood Family Enterprise Services

Those of you who also spend time on LinkedIn may have noticed some recent posts that noted that I have joined forces with Blackwood Family Enterprise Services (BFES).

After having worked mostly alone over the past decade, it was wonderful to discover a group of like-minded advisors who are expanding across the country and building an inter-disciplinary team to serve client families.

But when my daughter saw one of those posts, she asked, “So you work for Blackwood now?”

“Well, not exactly”, I replied. “Not working for Blackwood, more working with Blackwood”.

Being invited to join a group and being hired as an employee are not the same thing.

Offspring Working with Mom and Dad

There’s a related situation that occurs in many family businesses, of course.

When I speak to a second generation member of a family enterprise, I can sometimes be corrected by them if I happen to note that they work “for” their parents, rather than talking about the fact that they work “with” these family members.

This is also something that will likely evolve over time.

As a youngster, going to work in your parents’ business after school, on weekends, or during the summer school break, it’s pretty clear that you are working “for” them.

But if you fast forward a couple of decades, and now you have established a credible career, it’s easier to begin to think in terms of working “with” these more senior family members.

And if you’re really lucky, you can even ride this all the way through to the other side, where the parents end up feeling like they’re working “for” their offspring.

Adult to Adult Relationships Are Key

In both scenarios above, professionals working together or family members toiling in the same business, what’s key is that everyone try to maintain proper relationships with each other.

Being on a team with others, we are constantly placed in situations where the “me” and the “we” can be in conflict.

The more we can be sure that all such relationships are indeed “adult to adult”, the better things tend to go.

There may be a hierarchy that needs to be respected, but the more that lays quietly in the background, the better.

Feeling like someone is flexing that over you is not conducive to sustainable relations.

Coaching and Being With

When I work with members of an enterprising family, or even the whole family as a group, I’m always on the lookout for clues around their relationships with each other.

When a family engages me, they are hiring me to work for them, but I treat it much more as though I am there to work with them.

While they hire other professionals who serve them in other ways, typically for some technical service, they may feel more like they are hiring those specialists to work for them.

Because I serve much more on the process side of things, the working with is a better way to go.

When I did my coach training a decade ago, the concept of “being with” the person we are coaching was driven home over and over.

Walking with Others, Side-by-Side 

As I write these lines, I’m flashing back to a post from 2017, Work with Me, Walk with Me.

There, I shared an expression I had picked up from a course leader during a series of facilitation courses. (Third Part Neutral)

She explained that she’d spent a few years walking with some indigenous groups, and I asked her to clarify if she’s said “walked with” or “worked with”.

She had, in fact, said “walked with”, and that analogy has stayed with me, as I walk with families, as their guide, side-by-side.

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On Stories and Narratives in Enterprising Families

How We Share Things That Happen Is Key

Over the past decade or so, I’ve spent much of my time conversing with people from the family enterprise world.

Many of them are part of existing or former family enterprises, and others are peers who now serve such families. (And lots tick both boxes!)

What never ceases to fascinate me is how many stories capture not only what occurred, but also how things played out for all family members, and how the follow on effects can land so differently with each of them.

A great exploit for one person can take on the opposite effect for different family members, for a variety of reasons.

Learning to tie the stories together into a common family narrative can be a useful undertaking.

At Least I Got a Story!

Knowing how to tell a story is an art, and for some reason I’ve been given the gift of being above average in this area.

It’s a blessing that can also be a curse, as those who are less gifted will often defer to me to share a tale because I can deliver it with more gusto than the person who initially wanted to share it with a group.

Making room for the various versions of how an event was lived by its different protagonists is also worthwhile.

But because of my penchant for relating unexpected events with fanfare, I always have my antenna up for them, and even something mundane will have me say to myself, “Well, at least I got a story out of it!”

The Jessica Holmes Version

It’s not every day that I get to introduce someone onto a stage with words like, “She has opened for Oprah and Jerry Seinfeld…”, but On May 28, 2024, I did just that.

It was as part of my role as co-Emcee of the Family Enterprise Canada annual Symposium, and the keynote was superbly delivered by Jessica Holmes, following that intro that she had scribbled on a bit of paper 10 minutes prior to my intro.

Her presentation was the highlight of the conference for many, as she left everyone with many things to reflect upon in new ways.

For me, what really landed were the parts about “the story” that peppered her speech.

This was something inspired by her parents, which she is now transferring to her children, as getting “the story” has become a large part of their family lore.

Her line, “We’re paying for the story”, was a constant reminder to persevere in the face of challenging situations that may have otherwise caused her to turn back.

Turning Stories into a Narrative

Holmes related a tale where she and her son were kayaking in the ocean and the waves made her reconsider and want to turn back rather than continue their planned route.

It was her son who reminded her about the desire to get the story they’d “paid for” when they rented the boat, and she was happy to share that this family tradition had indeed been absorbed by her child.

When family stories are shared, they can become part of the family brand, the family values, and the way the family sees itself.

You don’t have to have a family enterprise to realize this, nor a lot of family wealth, but such families have even more reason to pay attention to these things, as they can be key to family engagement and alignment, which are so useful when transitioning from one generation to the next.

The sharing and understanding of how the family got to where it is now become part of the family’s narrative; the way it thinks about itself and presents itself, both internally among themselves and even externally to other stakeholders and the world in general.

The Battle Versus the War as an Analogy

As someone who loves metaphors and other analogies, they’re never too far away in my mind.

The trick is to appreciate what they bring while tempering them and not falling in love with them too much.

Such is the case with this one that came to me overnight: stories are like various battles, while the narrative is the war.

I like the fact that you can lose some battles and yet prevail in the war.

And let’s not forget what they say about history books, they’re written by those who won the war.

 

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Aaaargh…. Looking Stupid in Front of Others

I Hate When That Happens!

Working with client families as I do, there are sometimes occasions where communications go awry and something occurs that makes me blush and say, “Oh crap!”

Not that I’m a perfectionist, but any small slip up that makes me look like I was negligent or derelict in even a small way can result in me feeling disappointed in myself, and looking at making sure I don’t repeat that mistake again.

That relatively low threshold is something I want to maintain, even if I also want to learn to loosen my need to never look bad.

Is There Someone Else to Blame?

In the early years of my work in this field, I typically worked alone with client families, so when something went wrong, there was nowhere to hide, or, maybe said more clearly, nobody else I could blame.

Now that I work in collaboration with others more often, that has changed, a little bit.

While it can sometimes be tempting to lay 100% of the blame at someone else’s feet, that kind of attitude and behaviour can quickly turn against you.

Is Self-Blame Always Better?

Regular readers recognize that one key reason that I continue to compose these weekly missives is that this work forces me to think through subjects that my brain dances with from time to time.

Committing to this exercise of sharing my thoughts every seven days has been more helpful than most might realize, as putting thoughts into words here actually helps me advance my thinking.

 

Like now, as I consider the idea of blaming myself rather than passing that blame to someone else, what’s that about?

There are times where someone else clearly deserves the brunt of the fact that something was fouled up; should I assume a huge chunk of the fault then?  Probably not.

Learning from Mistakes: Ours and Others’

In a recent email exchange with some members of a client family, I had relied on some incomplete information from a colleague I’m working with on that file.

It angered me a bit when I found out that I’d sent them something in a way that could have been put better, had I had the full picture.

After I settled down a bit, a couple of things became more clear.

First off, it wasn’t a big deal, and nobody really noticed besides me. 

Second, I need to accept the fact I made certain assumptions that I could have (should have?) checked out first.

On a different case where I’m working as part of a team, one teammate shared some info with me about a family member, which turned out to be wrong. The result was that I said something in an email that was off base, and I ended up looking silly, which I detest.

On this occasion, I “took one for the team”, and was thankful that it wasn’t my mistake that made someone else look bad, which can feel even worse.

Intra-team Communication Issues

These sorts of intra-team communications issues need to be expected, even as we try to minimize both their occurrence and impact.

Sometimes they create a nice opportunity to normalize the difficulties in front of family member clients, because we almost never stop working with them to help them smooth out their own communication issues. See: An Abnormal Amount of Normalizing

And of course any opportunity to learn from a sub-optimal experience should be seized for all its worth.

Mistakes Are Going to Happen – Deal with It

Errors are bound to happen, and apportioning the blame is typically a futile exercise.

Owning up to our shortcomings and mistakes can be difficult, but like many other activities that require some courage, they’re actually often good for us.

Receiving feedback, even when it’s negative, can be a gift, but only if we look at it this way.

One favourite expression of mine has long been, “It’s not what happens to you that’s important, it’s what you do with it”, or some related version thereof.

Are You Learned or a Learner?

This evokes something I saw a while back but have not shared here yet.

Some people consider themselves to quite “learned” (pronounced: Lur-Ned). That’s nice, of course, if you value those who have taken the time to become educated.

Of course you can change the last letter from a “D” to an “R”, and become a “learner” (Lur-Nur).

How we choose to receive feedback makes a huge difference.

 

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