Just What Do We Need to Get Better at Talking About?
Occasionally, I stumble upon something that I just know will make for a great blog idea.
It happens rather regularly with me, because my antennae are finely tuned to detect anything worth sharing with this family wealth transition ecosystem in which I happily find myself.
Regular readers will not be surprised to learn that this week’s missive was once again inspired by something I came across on my favourite social platform, LinkedIn.
I share my own content there regularly, but I take away much more than I supply, which is the way social media is supposed to work.
Compared to most other platforms, the time I spend there is far more productive, which is why I go back regularly.
Section 01
So What About “Wealth Transparency”?
I’ll share the genesis of the idea in a moment, but the initial spark came from a simple combination of two words that I don’t think I’d even seen together before.
I write a lot about wealth here and spend plenty of time encouraging families to better communicate about it.
I often talk about more “clarity”, but I’m not sure I’ve mentioned the idea of being transparent before.
When I came across this simple bullet point in a document, “Create a Plan for Wealth Transparency and Communication” it really resonated with me.
As I often do, I commented on the post with the following:
“I love the ‘Wealth Transparency’ framing around communication.
‘We need to work on communication’ has become too generic, so the added specificity is needed, and this word choice resonates with me.”
I’m sure most readers are less excited about this word combo than me, and that’s OK too.
Section 02
Shout Out to J.P. Morgan
Stacy Allred’s Family Engagement and Governance team at J.P. Morgan Wealth Management are doing some great work and thankfully sharing it.
So when she posted their recent “5 Generational Shifts Shaping Family Wealth Planning Today”, I was curious enough to click on it.
It’s succinct yet powerful in the way it lays out these five shifts, but what caught my eye was the last page, where the “key takeaways” were listed.
That’s where the line I quoted above struck me, especially the part about “wealth transparency”.
So let’s spend the rest of our time talking about that idea.
Section 03
What’s the Opposite of Transparency?
My friend Mr. Google has once again come through for me, even better than expected.
I just asked him the question in the subhead above and he came back with some juicy stuff.
After sharing that “the primary antonym of transparency is opacity” (which is what I guessed) he added some great context-specific “figurative antonyms”.
Under a heading of “openness and communication”, check out what his “A.I. Overview” delivers:
Secrecy
or nondisclosure
Hiding information.
Ambiguity
or vagueness
Lack of clarity.
Obscurity
or inscrutability
Difficult to understand or see through.
Deceit
or concealment
The deliberate version of all of the above.
OMG, we’ve hit the motherlode!
Do you think any of these apply to the average family facing challenges in transitioning their wealth to the next generation?
That’s a rhetorical question.
Section 04
Where to from Here?
When I started playing around with A.I. a couple of years ago, I vowed to never be tempted to use it to write these blogs “for” me.
I did not anticipate what just happened when I simply Googled a question.
But if my title about “communication” and “wealth transparency” intrigued you, then the A.I. result just above gives you some key areas to look at.
Being secretive and not disclosing information will eventually work against a family over time. Important information needs to be shared and discussed, not hidden away forever.
When things are ambiguous and vague, some time should be spent clearing things up so the people who’ll eventually be charged with managing the wealth and making decisions about it can understand the structures and rules around them.
Obscure concepts should be discussed and explained.
Finally, if things are being purposely concealed, or there’s deceit going on, well, good luck, you will need it.
See My Good Faith Presumption when Working with Families.
Section 05
Epilogue
Because I claimed above that I was unsure of whether I’d used that adjective before, I decided to use the search function on my website and type in “transparent”.
Lo and behold the first hit was Transparently Trustworthy Transitions.
You’ll have to forgive me for forgetting that one, since I wrote it in 2013!
At A Glance
The Four Shadows of Non-Transparency
Tap each card to reveal the antidote.
+Shadow ISecrecy & Nondisclosure
“Being secretive and not disclosing information will eventually work against a family over time. Important information needs to be shared and discussed, not hidden away forever.”
+Shadow IIAmbiguity & Vagueness
“Clear things up so the people who’ll eventually be charged with managing the wealth and making decisions about it can understand the structures and rules around them.”
+Shadow IIIObscurity & Inscrutability
“Obscure concepts should be discussed and explained.”
+Shadow IVDeceit & Concealment
“If things are being purposely concealed, or there’s deceit going on, well, good luck, you will need it.”
+The ReframeBeyond “Better Communication”
“‘We need to work on communication’ has become too generic, so the added specificity is needed.”
+The PlanMake Wealth Transparency Explicit
“Create a Plan for Wealth Transparency and Communication.”
Structure Alone Is Never Sufficient
As a sports fan who roots for my favourite teams, it’s not uncommon for me to watch a game and complain that the officials did a lousy job and cost my team a game.
Other times, my team may lose due to a “stupid rule” that never should have made it into the sport’s rulebook.
This got me thinking about both rulebooks and the referees, and how both need to be top notch to achieve good results and avoid problems.
“But don’t you normally write about families and the challenges they face in transitioning their business or wealth to the next generation?”, you may be thinking.
“Well yes, of course”, I might reply.
How about we try to tie these together?
Section 01
The Call for “We Need More Structure”
Soon after I conceived the idea for this post, the weekly edition of the FFI Practitioner arrived in my email inbox, and it was a call for “more structure”, written by a law professor who advocates for capturing rules properly to ensure that they’ll be followed.
See Intimacy Integration and Inheritance: Diagnosing Legal Risks of Family Dynamics.
I enjoyed the piece and recommend it, and I even bought the author’s recent book, but I couldn’t help thinking about the fact that while documenting rules properly is a good idea, it’s certainly not the first thing most people think of when they hear the term “family dynamics”.
I’m a facilitator and coach, not a lawyer.
“Family dynamics” is my area!
So, let’s explore the interplay between making sure the rules are clear and how the game gets played, to see what we can learn about both.
Section 02
Just What Is This “Game” You’re Talking About?
I suppose the first thing I need to do is clarify what I mean by “game”.
I do not mean to minimize this by suggesting that it is less serious because it’s “play” and not “work”.
It comes more from the aspect of “interplay”, and the way the family system actually needs to “live” within the rules that have been set out and formalized.
This is where the analogy of the referee and the rulebook truly comes through, or at least I hope so.
Write the Rulebook
Capture how things are supposed to play out.
Call the Game
Help the family live within those rules, in real time.
Lawyers write up the rules of how things are supposed to play out, and when those rules are not clear to the “players” for whom those rules were written, problems arise.
The players need to understand the rules, but it’s equally important that the rules properly reflect how the players intend to play the game.
Section 03
Family Business Vs Family Wealth
It’s interesting to consider the contrast between some families who own an operating company with those who are possibly in a “post-liquidity event” situation, who are now dealing with a “family wealth” scenario, rather than a “family business”.
In a family business, the FFI Practitioner article can be much more relevant, because the family often has many interactions that are never clearly written down, because it’s simpler to work in a less formal environment.
There, having more clear rules is usually a good idea, as the author suggests.
In a family where the largest asset that the members co-own together is a proverbial “pile of money”, it can be the reverse; i.e. there are so many rules that nobody understands them and the game never truly gets going because of a paralysis while everyone tries to figure out the rulebook.
See What Can Happen to a Pile of Family Wealth.
Section 04
Continuous Iteration Revisited
Last week in Life As a Beta Test — It’s All Journey, we touched on the idea of “continuous iteration”, and we are back here once again.
What I am espousing is that the rulebook and the referee cannot exist without each other.
Those who write the rules need to understand how the game actually unfolds.
Those who help the game unfold, the facilitators and coaches who accompany the family on their wealth integration journey, or the referees, in this analogy, need to understand the rules.
Section 05
A Virtuous Circle or Cycle
Not only that, the referees and the players need to be represented in the rule-making body, so that the rulebook becomes a realistic reflection of the game the family has agreed to play.
This should be done in an iterative virtuous cycle or circle, where there is an intentional effort to ensure that the rules as written reflect the reality of the lives of the family members as they relate to one another and to the family’s wealth.
I hope this rulebook/referee analogy helps more families and advisors get this right.
At A Glance
The Rulebook / Referee Virtuous Cycle
Tap each card to reveal the principle.
+Principle IStructure Alone Isn’t Enough
“Documenting rules properly is a good idea… but it’s certainly not the first thing most people think of when they hear ‘family dynamics’.”
+Principle IIRules Must Reflect Real Play
“The rules properly reflect how the players intend to play the game.”
+Principle IIIBusiness Needs More Rules
“Many interactions that are never clearly written down… more clear rules is usually a good idea.”
+Principle IVWealth Can Have Too Many
“So many rules that nobody understands them and the game never truly gets going because of a paralysis.”
+Principle VMutual Understanding
“The rulebook and the referee cannot exist without each other.” Writers know the game, refs know the rules.
+The Virtuous CycleEveryone Writes the Rules
“The referees and the players need to be represented in the rule-making body, so that the rulebook becomes a realistic reflection of the game.”
Considering Some Existential Personal Viewpoints
I’m one of those people who sometimes like to process thoughts out loud.
In certain contexts, especially with colleagues, I’ve been known to “spitball” ideas without too much forethought.
This is in stark contrast to the way I can be quite thoughtful when choosing my words, taking an extra second or three to be judicious in my word choice, normally in response to a question.
A while back during a peer group call, the leader announced that we’d be trying something new when we reconvened after the summer, and that we would “beta test” a new way of operating together.
I quickly noted that in many ways, “life is a beta test”, and then added this discussion to my “blog ideas” folder to simmer.
Section 01
A Healthy Way of Being in the World
I probably talk about the difference between “what I do” and “who I am” more than most humans.
One of my beliefs is that “who I am” is way more important than any specific thing that I do.
The idea of living my life as a beta test has everything to do with that, because it’s actually much more of an attitude than anything else.
When a parent asks me what one of their offspring “did” to alienate a sibling, I usually reply that it’s rare for siblings to be distant or cut off because of a specific one-time occurrence, but rather a persistent way of being, that is off-putting.
So where am I going with this “beta test” stuff?
I’m glad you asked, so I will enlist the assistance of my friend, Mr. Google.
Section 02
Just What Is Beta Testing?
Let’s start with some basics about beta testing in general.
My friend says that:
Beta Testing
“Beta testing is the second phase of pre-release product and software testing where a near-finished version is given to external real-world users before its official launch.”
pre-release
near-finished
official launch
The key phrases from my perspective are “pre-release”, “near-finished” and “official launch”.
The idea of an official launch certainly conveys a destination that we’re aiming for, and I normally avoid looking at life that way.
See There Is No Destination, from 2018.
Section 03
What About Life as a Beta Test?
When I ask my buddy about “life as a beta test”, he responds with some really useful ideas that resonate with me.
Here’s his first highlight:
“Treating life as a beta test means accepting that you are a work in progress, and that mistakes, setbacks, and unexpected changes are not failures.”
The key words and phrases here are “accepting”, “work in progress” and “not failures”.
He then adds even more good stuff to the already roaring fire, with:
“Instead of waiting until you feel ‘ready,’ ‘finished,’ or ‘perfect,’ the beta-test mindset focuses on continuous iteration, curiosity, and adaptation.”
I love the way this gets to the heart of the journey idea, the fact that it’s a mindset, and that perfection should not be the goal.
The concept of “continuous iteration” is also something that is worthy of further exploration.
Section 04
Working with Multigenerational Families in Beta Mode
When a family welcomes me into their system to accompany them on their journey towards an eventual intergenerational wealth transition, I am always in beta test mode.
Of course, it isn’t always easy to get family buy-in to this way of operating, because many won’t hire anyone for this work without some specific deliverables.
Last year in Ideas on Dealing with the Family CRAP, I shared that my main overarching goal with such families is to have then continue to Convene Regularly And Productively, i.e. C.R.A.P.
The idea of continuous iteration fits this like a glove.
Section 05
Keeping Them Moving in the Right Direction
I recognize that the family’s ultimate goal is for the rising generation to someday be able to manage and share the family’s wealth together.
That takes time, effort, and intention.
The idea of getting ready for a launch fits here, but not in a good way.
What the family is preparing for is the eventual loss of the current leading generation.
Families who prepare for this eventuality long in advance do better than those who avoid this work on the assumption that everything will just work itself out.
It’s lots of work, and most of it needs to be done by the family members themselves.
I’m not there to help them reach perfection, just to make sure they understand what’s all involved and get them working together productively.
We don’t want to think about the destination.
At A Glance
The Beta Test Mindset
Tap each card to reveal the shift.
+Shift IAttitude Over Action
“It’s actually much more of an attitude than anything else.” Who I am over what I do.
+Shift IIWork in Progress
“Accepting that you are a work in progress, and that mistakes, setbacks, and unexpected changes are not failures.”
+Shift IIIDon’t Wait for Perfect
“Instead of waiting until you feel ‘ready,’ ‘finished,’ or ‘perfect’… continuous iteration, curiosity, and adaptation.”
+Shift IVConvene Regularly, Productively
“My main overarching goal with such families is to have them continue to Convene Regularly And Productively.”
+Shift VPrepare Early
“Families who prepare for this eventuality long in advance do better than those who avoid this work.”
+The CoreIt’s All Journey
“We don’t want to think about the destination.”
The Power of Needing to Put Food on the Table
There’s no shortage of rags to riches stories that many of us are familiar with.
You know the kind, the immigrant who arrives with a suitcase and a few dollars and then goes on to create a hugely successful business.
That could actually be my Dad, except perhaps for the adverb “hugely”, depending on who you want to compare him to.
People like that are often said to have “started with nothing”.
This week I want to look at that and challenge the idea about “nothing” that some of us throw around.
Section 01
Private School and a Trust Fund
A generation or two removed from such success stories, you may find someone who had everything handed to them.
Access to the finest private schools, a trust fund, perhaps even a leg up on a place at one of the finer and more selective Universities.
Must be nice.
Of course, now I could be describing my own offspring, but I digress.
These people are definitely not starting with nothing.
But in many ways, as I’ll now try to argue, they’re at a disadvantage to the hungry immigrant who had no choice but to bust his ass to put food on the table.
Section 02
The Entitled Rising Generation — Who’s at Fault?
I’ve had the privilege of working with a number of multigenerational families who have lived some version of this story.
The wealth creator began with the goal of feeding their family, which can be quite motivating, compared to having one’s family go hungry.
Along the way, they discovered they had an ability to grow a business beyond what they likely initially envisioned.
Through a combination of hard work, great decision-making, the right appetite for risk, and a little luck, they ended up being very successful financially.
They raise their children specifically to NOT have to endure everything that they had to endure.
And some of them turn around and blame their kids for being entitled.
Section 03
How Much Farther Up Do I Want to Go?
Let’s think about these rising generation family members who seemingly start out with so much.
They received a top-notch education and along the way they rubbed shoulders with all sorts of others who came from the same social strata, so the social capital they have is enormous, even though they probably don’t realize it.
They’re well positioned to succeed in any number of areas.
And yet, in large part thanks to starting off where they are, they aren’t always sure what to do next.
That drive their forefathers had to simply put food on the table is missing.
Are they starting with nothing, well, no, not really.
But my argument is that if they don’t have the same drive, that’s actually quite normal.
Section 04
My Kingdom for a Purpose
There was a time in my own life when I felt lost and without direction.
I spent a few years getting educated in various fields and trying on different careers and was crying out for some kind of sign to give me some purpose.
As I wrote recently in On the Challenges of Finding Purpose and Family Engagement,
“As someone who found my purpose at 48, I’m sensitive to the pressures families often put on their younger members go and ‘find’ theirs.”
That drive to do something worthwhile, when there’s always been plenty of food on the table, can be hard to find for many.
Section 05
Nothing Behind, So Everything Is Ahead
Let’s look at it another way, by contrasting “nothing” with its opposite, “everything”.
Nothing Behind
Every possibility lay ahead. They took the right steps and worked hard and built it all.
Everything Already
The drive to build more won’t be as strong. But they still have a lot ahead.
That hungry person had nothing behind him, so every possibility lay ahead, and they took the right steps and worked hard and built it all.
Their offspring start off already having everything, so the drive to build more will likely not be as strong.
But they do actually have a lot ahead of them that they could do and have many advantages to help them have their own fantastic achievements.
Section 06
Encouraging Them to Try Different Avenues
When I work with younger members of successful families, I always want to encourage them to find something that they enjoy and that drives them.
It doesn’t have to be the business of their parents and needs to be something that excites them when they wake up in the morning.
They already have a lot, but if they can find something of their own to work towards, their odds of having an enjoyable life increase.
Hopefully their family won’t judge them and will allow them the opportunity to explore.
At A Glance
Rethinking “Started with Nothing”
Tap each card to reveal the reframe.
+Reframe IHunger as Fuel
“The wealth creator began with the goal of feeding their family, which can be quite motivating, compared to having one’s family go hungry.”
+Reframe IIComfort as Headwind
“That drive their forefathers had to simply put food on the table is missing… if they don’t have the same drive, that’s actually quite normal.”
+Reframe IIIThe Hidden Social Capital
“The social capital they have is enormous, even though they probably don’t realize it.”
+Reframe IVPurpose on Its Own Clock
“Finding one’s purpose is NOT one of those… encouraging young family members to go out and do that, with the expectation that it’ll come within a certain timeframe, isn’t helpful.”
+Reframe VNot Nothing, Not Everything
“They do actually have a lot ahead of them that they could do and have many advantages to help them have their own fantastic achievements.”
+The OpeningLet Them Explore
“Hopefully their family won’t judge them and will allow them the opportunity to explore.”
Making Choices Based on Which Criteria Matter
We never have to go too far to find life lessons worth sharing with family, friends and, for someone like me, regular readers of these weekly missives.
This week as we’re switching into fall mode, I’m pulling out an idea that’s been percolating in my “blog ideas” folder since May.
We’ll weave in some lessons from years gone by and even bring some social capital ideas into the mix.
Section 01
Moving Day Car Woes Nine Years Later
Back in May I moved my office from one downtown Montreal residential condo to another, about one kilometer away.
At the end of moving day, I was exhausted, even though the bulk of my efforts had been giving instructions to the four actual movers.
As I exited my underground garage, I became impatient with a driver in front of me and tried to go around them and ended up with a huge scratch and dent on my passenger door.
Nobody’s fault but my own.
My inability to take a deep breath and wait a few more seconds was now going to cost me money and time.
I later remembered that nine years earlier, on the day I moved into the former place, in my exhaustion and desire to get home, I also scratched my car leaving my parking spot.
Since this is my last office move, I won’t likely get a chance to learn from this lesson or need to worry about the third time being a charm.
Section 02
Body Work Without Using Insurance
Now I needed to find someone who could repair the damage relatively quickly because I was planning on changing cars soon, and that damage would’ve likely cut my trade-in value in half.
I asked my regular tire shop guy who could help me and he suggested a small shop a few blocks away that he’d heard good things about it.
That guy looked at my car and said he could fix it for $650.
“Wow”, I thought, I was willing to pay double that, so this sounds perfect.
“When can you do it?” He went to check his calendar.
“September,”
he finally replied.
“Ugh.”
Section 03
Back to the Social Capital Well
After my first attempt at getting a semi-warm referral had fallen through, I racked my brain trying to think of where else I could turn for ideas to find a small independent body shop who could repair the damage for cash, not rip me off, and do a good job.
I decided to go to the dealer where I get service, even though I already knew that they weren’t the solution.
The guy I speak with whenever I bring my car in seemed like the one to approach with my special request, and he did not disappoint.
Within 10 days the repairs were expertly completed.
It ended up costing me more than four times the quote from the first guy, but I could at least close that chapter and not be reminded of my self-inflicted wound.
Section 04
Good – Fast – Cheap: Pick Two
It struck me that this was yet another example of the sub-head above.
See The Good-Fast-Cheap Quandary in Family Enterprise.
Good
High-quality, competent people.
Fast
Responsiveness on requests and questions.
Cheap
The one you give up when you want the other two.
When looking for help with something, whether it’s auto repair, professional services, or home renovations, it’s next to impossible to get good, fast and cheap together.
That blog from 5 years ago shares a story about my daughter’s experience with a medical clinic, but I usually write about families facing the challenge of transitioning wealth from one generation to the next, so let’s go there now.
When such families hire professionals, the smart ones usually insist on high-quality competent people, because they don’t want something that isn’t good.
When thinking about the “fast” part I think that responsiveness is probably a better angle to look at this from, and when they reach out with a question or request, they insist on a fast reply.
Section 05
What You Get When You Insist on Low Price
Earlier in my career I had some clients who had difficulty affording my rates and I sometimes gave in a charged less.
When it’s simply a case of not being able to afford me, that’s one thing, but now when people balk when they hear the price, I just see it as a sign that we are not a good fit.
If you want “cheap”, you need to give up on either “good” or “fast”, and I’m not willing to do that.
At A Glance
The Pick-Two Rulebook
Tap each card to reveal the lesson.
+Lesson IThe Rule
“It’s next to impossible to get good, fast and cheap together.”
+Lesson IIInsist on Good
“The smart ones… insist on high-quality competent people, because they don’t want something that isn’t good.”
+Lesson IIIRead “Fast” as Responsiveness
“Responsiveness is probably a better angle… when they reach out with a question or request, they insist on a fast reply.”
+Lesson IVSocial Capital Beats Cold Search
“I could at least close that chapter and not be reminded of my self-inflicted wound.” The warm referral won.
+Lesson VPrice-Balkers Aren’t a Good Fit
“Now when people balk when they hear the price, I just see it as a sign that we are not a good fit.”
+The Trade-OffPick Your Two
“If you want ‘cheap’, you need to give up on either ‘good’ or ‘fast’, and I’m not willing to do that.”
Is Everything Really on the Up and Up?
My baseline assumption whenever I meet anyone is that they’re a good person and I can trust them.
In almost every case, that works out well, and I hate to think what the world would look like if ever that stopped being the case.
As I’ve worked with families over the past decade and a half, I’ve often noted that chemistry is so important, much more than geography.
See Chemistry Versus Geography in Advising Families.
And that chemistry works both ways, i.e. the family members need to feel it with me, and I need to feel it from all of them too.
Unfortunately, sometimes that starts well, but then something shifts.
The common thread in those cases is almost always the discovery that someone is not acting in good faith.
Section 01
When Bad Faith Reveals Itself
Perhaps my natural tendency to assume good faith is part of the problem.
I like to jokingly say that my wife is the most skeptical person I know, and I bet I could learn a thing or two from her on that score, as we enter our 35th year of marriage.
Let’s see what my friend Mr. Google has to say when I ask him about bad faith.
Acting in Bad Faith
Acting in bad faith means pretending to hold one set of feelings or intentions while secretly acting on completely different, deceptive motives.
It involves dishonesty, insincerity, or a hidden agenda during conversations, debates or negotiations.
Let’s see if I can tie some of my real-world experiences into some of those ideas.
Section 02
Mental Health Issues Are Never Far Away
Because my default assumes good faith, it can take me a while to recognize the deception that some people bring to conversations with me.
I once spent a few hours in the living room of one client and his wife, while they regaled me with tales about other family members, which they had to know I would be able to verify.
“Why would they lie about such things, knowing that I could and eventually would find out the truth?”
— is what I subconsciously said to myself.
Not being a mental health practitioner, I hesitate to put a label on such behaviour, but let’s just say that I have difficulty working with people like that because once I note their tendency to deceive, I can’t decipher what’s true anymore.
I managed to bring in a colleague who I believed was better suited to that family’s challenges, but he only ended up confirming what I saw.
Section 03
Parents Who Know It All
I’ve had a few cases where the parents initially reminded me of my own father, because they were hard-driving businesspeople who became successful business operators.
Eventually, though, I noted big differences from my Dad, as their secrets were quietly revealed to me by others, which had me then wasting too much energy trying to decipher the motives they were working on.
Such cases of bad faith, as I sometimes like to label them, are a clear signal that I need to search for an exit.
When I do exit engagements like these, I often have mixed feelings about them, due to a combination of a feeling of failure, letting down those individuals who hoped I’d be able to help them, or the loss of an opportunity to be the hero.
Section 04
Hostility As a Strong Signal and Red Flag
One factor that has become a red flag is hostility between family members.
When I asked a father about one of his sons’ relationship with his mother, he replied with a single word,
“Wow”, I thought, and perhaps even said aloud.
I have another client now where I am the only person stopping a sibling group from initiating legal proceedings against one another, and I can feel their hostility growing by the day.
Their lawyers are on standby, waiting for the call, which will light the fuse that will certainly have consequences.
That hostility has been a growing signal to me that my exit is near (phew!) but I expect to be deposed at some point in the future.
Did I mention how much I enjoy me work?
Section 05
Bad Faith Operators Exist; Too Bad
It’s unfortunate that there are people who operate on bad faith, even in families.
I’ve resolved to myself that I can’t help everyone, which is a mature and realistic way to think about it.
Finding the graceful way out isn’t always easy but is necessary.
At A Glance
The Red Flags of Bad Faith
Tap each card to reveal the signal.
+Signal IChemistry Shifts
“Sometimes that starts well, but then something shifts. The common thread… is almost always the discovery that someone is not acting in good faith.”
+Signal IIVerifiable Lies
“Once I note their tendency to deceive, I can’t decipher what’s true anymore.”
+Signal IIIHidden Motives
“Secrets were quietly revealed to me by others, which had me then wasting too much energy trying to decipher the motives.”
+Signal IVHostility Between Members
“Hostility between family members… has been a growing signal to me that my exit is near.”
+Signal VLawyers on Standby
“Their lawyers are on standby, waiting for the call, which will light the fuse that will certainly have consequences.”
+The Way OutExit Gracefully
“I can’t help everyone… Finding the graceful way out isn’t always easy but is necessary.”
Balancing Togetherness with Individuation
Having the privilege to work with several different families at a time can sometimes give me the opportunity to compare and contrast what they each need to work on.
As we noted last year in What Does This Family Need, Now?, there’s a great deal of discernment involved in figuring out the best “next step” to suggest to a family, as we accompany them on their transition journey.
The families are all so different and their needs vary over the evolution of our work with them, and let’s not forget that they’re each composed of a variety of individuals.
See On Serving Families and Their Individual Human Members from a few weeks ago.
Occasionally, though, while considering what to propose to one family, I have an A-Ha moment regarding a different client.
Section 01
One Benefit of Teamwork: Sharing Info Aloud
As a colleague and I were debriefing with our client experience manager after a meeting with two parents, I was verbalizing a couple of conclusions we’d come to about that family.
Somehow the fact that my ears were hearing what I was saying made me think about another family I’ve been working with for a couple of years.
I often share that working as part of a team is a great example of my favourite equation, 1 + 1 = 5.
But up until now I always thought about how two consultants can bring five times the value to the family; the idea of including a client support person into it makes me realize it might be 1 + 1 + 1 = 10.
Section 02
Coming Back from My Digression
Back to the client situation, we concluded that for this family, at this time, trying to find more things for them to do together, to increase engagement, was not what we wanted to propose to them.
Given the ages of the rising generation (18 to 27), we preferred to offer them individual support and coaching for now.
Getting back to the big word in the title, we thought that a heterogeneous path made much more sense.
Heterogeneity
The quality or state of being diverse, varied, or made up of many different, dissimilar parts or elements.
So rather than suggesting a plan where the entire family participates in things together, we instead plan to offer support and resources to each of the younger family members on an individual basis.
Section 03
A Family Systems View on This
Looking at this with a family systems lens, each person must deal with their own struggle to balance the need to be part of the family with the need to truly become their own individual adult self.
As I peaked at my phone moments ago, I happened upon this question and answer:
“You know which gazelle gets eaten by the lion? The one that strays from the pack.”
Each of the offspring in a family has a natural desire to stray from the family, despite the potential risk of becoming the lion’s supper.
Section 04
The Need for Independence Before Interdependence
I love thinking about the families I work with as “interdependent”, because they ultimately need to learn to work together to manage the assets that they’ll someday own together.
Dependent
Young children, naturally reliant on their parents.
Independent
Outgrow dependence — become your own adult self.
Interdependent
Return to work together as a healthy family.
But young children, who are naturally quite “dependent” on their parents, need to outgrow that dependence before they’re eventually independent enough to return to be part of a healthy interdependent family.
Too often, when people like me are invited into a family system to help them grow into their interdependence, we automatically rush to find ways for them to practice being together productively.
Working with this family made me realize that it can be a mistake to skip straight to that stage, before everyone has accumulated enough of their own independence first.
Section 05
Learning from One Family and Applying It to Another
As I contemplated our next steps for that family, another client situation came to mind.
Those rising generation family members are about a decade older and the work we are doing feels like it’s stalling in some ways.
As I am preparing to have my one-on-one calls with them next week, ahead of our regular quarterly family meetings, I plan to delve into this aspect with some of them, especially the younger ones.
Perhaps their lack of engagement in the family project has more to do with their own “unfinished business” as independent adults than a desire to be part of the family’s plan.
At A Glance
The Path to Interdependence
Tap each card to reveal the insight.
+Insight IDiscern What This Family Needs Now
“There’s a great deal of discernment involved in figuring out the best ‘next step’ to suggest to a family.”
+Insight IIChoose Heterogeneity
“Offer support and resources to each of the younger family members on an individual basis.”
+Insight IIIBelong vs. Become
“Balance the need to be part of the family with the need to truly become their own individual adult self.”
+Insight IVDon’t Stray Too Far
“You know which gazelle gets eaten by the lion? The one that strays from the pack.”
+Insight VDon’t Skip Independence
“It can be a mistake to skip straight to [interdependence], before everyone has accumulated enough of their own independence first.”
+Insight VIRead the “Unfinished Business”
“Perhaps their lack of engagement… has more to do with their own ‘unfinished business’ as independent adults.”
Don’t Treat your 28-Year-Old Like They’re 8
Every once in a while, I read something that’s phrased in a way I’ve never seen before, but that resonates with me in a deep way.
I feel like I may have written that opening line before, maybe even recently, but that’s okay too.
It highlights the way my brain works, as someone who’s inspired by working with families, and who shares my thoughts weekly with others who are interested in this work.
And once again, a LinkedIn post is the genesis of this blog because that’s where I stumbled upon my money quote this week.
Section 01
Engaging Your Family as a Parent
The article in question was co-written by a respected colleague, Mike McGrann, who’s also a long-time instructor in the Family Enterprise Advisor program.
Regular readers may recall that I enrolled in the 2013 Toronto cohort of that program, and that’s where I had my calling to do the work that I’ve been doing (and writing about) ever since.
The article he co-wrote is titled How to Engage your Family in Legacy Co-Creation.
I often talk about the challenges in getting family members engaged in discussions around wealth transitions, so “how to engage” obviously resonates with me.
If you type “legacy” into the search function on my website, you’ll get tons of hits.
And if you’ve been on a Zoom call with me from my office, you’ll have seen the word “Co-Creation” prominently featured on the word cloud banner behind me.
So, they had me with the title.
Section 02
The Part About Parenting
The entire article is worth reading, but I want to switch my focus to a particular line that jumped off the screen at me.
Year-Old
“Definitely needs parenting.”
Year-Old
“Sometimes need it.”
Year-Old
“Should not be parented.”
— from Mike McGrann, “How to Engage your Family in Legacy Co-Creation”
I immediately quoted that line in the comments to that LinkedIn post and thanked him for sharing it.
Now I want to dissect it a bit further.
I love to harp on the need for adult-to-adult relationships (once the children become adults) in families, so this idea of parenting as something that needs to end lines up nicely.
Section 03
Let’s Start with the Outside and Work our Way In
My secondary title above gets right into it, telling parents not to treat their 28-year-old like they’re 8.
I chose that framing because I’ve seen parents do that and after I finish cringing, I know I have more work to do.
Such cases are common, however, which is unfortunate.
Interestingly, I recently had lunch with a colleague who shared that his father explained his entire family trust to him, with dollar amounts included, on his ninth birthday.
We both agreed that this is far from the norm.
There are far more “grown ass adults” out there who remain very much in the dark regarding the amount of financial wealth their family owns, compared to the number of grade schoolers who are clued in.
Section 04
What About the 18 in the Middle?
I think most people will agree about 8-year-olds and the fact that they “definitely need” parenting, and despite the strongly worded “should not be” regarding the 28-year-olds, most will be OK with that.
The 18-year-olds “sometimes” need it; hmmmm.
So, when are those times a “yes” and when are they a “no”?
That’ll depend on each “kid”, of course, because there are some 15-year-olds who need little parenting and some who still need plenty at 21.
Let’s step back and see what Mr. Google has to say about parenting in general:
Parenting
The active process of raising, nurturing, and supporting a child’s physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development from infancy into independent adulthood.
There are some useful elements there, including the “active” aspect which I’ll suggest should fade into something more “passive”.
Section 05
It’s All About the Independent Adulthood
Unfortunately, some parents have difficulty with the last part, about the “independent adulthood” being the ultimate goal.
And that relates back to what I noted above about the “active” aspect (telling your kids what to do) that needs to eventually taper off as you let them do what they’ve decided that they want to do and live with the consequences.
An eight-year-old does not have the complete ability to think through consequences in many cases, so the parents need to do that for them.
But if your 28-year-old still doesn’t have that ability, then a good chunk of the blame rests with the parents.
At A Glance
From Active Parenting to Adult-to-Adult
Tap each card to reveal the shift.
+Shift IKnow the End Goal
“The ‘independent adulthood’ being the ultimate goal.”
+Shift IIActive → Passive
“The ‘active’ aspect which I’ll suggest should fade into something more ‘passive’.”
+Shift IIILet Them Live the Consequences
“Let them do what they’ve decided that they want to do and live with the consequences.”
+Shift IVAdult-to-Adult
“The need for adult-to-adult relationships (once the children become adults) in families.”
+The WarningWhere the Blame Rests
“If your 28-year-old still doesn’t have that ability, then a good chunk of the blame rests with the parents.”
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