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The Two Basic Elements of Coaching Success
Working with families and other professionals who serve them as they plan their intergenerational wealth transitions can be rewarding, but also quite tricky at times.
The advisors who help out with structure and content solutions have interesting situations to try to resolve for, but for those who work more in what I often call the “family circle”, it can be even more complex.
The “soft issues” are actually the “really hard” parts of making everything work out in the end.
When I decided to plunge into this part of the field over a decade ago, the best advice I got (and which I have since shared with many others) was to go an do some coach training.
Listening Without Judgement, What a Concept!
When this was suggested to me, I did a Google search and was overwhelmed, so I went back to the person who gave me the advice (thanks JM) to help me narrow my search, she pointed me straight to the Co-Active Training Institute.
After my first 3-day weekend workshop, I was hooked, and I told my wife that even if this did not help me in my business, it would be sure to make me a better husband and father.
Over a decade later, I often share one of the most profound take-aways I got from the whole process, regarding the two main elements one needs to master to be a great coach.
I’ve share them in conversation countless times, but now realize that I haven’t shared them here explicitly enough, so here goes.
One of my coaching instructors at one point said, “Eighty percent of coaching comes down to two things: ‘listening without judgement’, and ‘being with’.”
Another Inspiration from a LinkedIn Post
I post on LinkedIn regularly, and also go there to find out what else is going on in my professional circles.
One day while scrolling my timeline there recently, I saw a post that read, “EMPATHY is listening without judgement”.
In my work, high empathy is a key success factor, and I typically score pretty well on that metric, but I’d never thought about it in terms of “listening without judgement” until now.
But if forced to argue one side or the other on that, I think I’d prefer to defend that thesis.
I know plenty of people who listen with lots of judgement, including family members, and upon reflection, they’re far from empathetic.
I value my empathy, and believe that empathy is truly a worthwhile “value”, especially in my work with families.
What About “Being With”?
So I began to consider what value could be ascribed to the concept of “being with” someone.
After some Googling and poking around the internet, I finally landed on “Connection”, and I was pretty happy with that.
Until, that is, I looked into my family facilitation toolkit and pulled out a Values Edge card deck.
I went through it and was disappointed not to find a card with the word “connection” on it, although there were several others that were pretty close.
So I’ve decided to settle on Empathy and Connection as keys I learned from coach training, as they apply to my work with families.
But I still have a problem figuring out what to call this family circle work.
Coaching, Facilitation, and Accompanying Families
Earlier I referred to those professionals who work on structure and content as key advisors who work with families.
The family work that I specialize in is all about process and relationships.
It involves coaching and facilitation, with an emphasis on the family’s human capital, but it’s hard to put a label on those.
As I noted last year in On Coaching, Parenting and Sub-Optimal Translations, I really prefer the French word for coaching, “accompagnement”, because what I do is truly “accompany” a family on their journey together.
Guidance and Holding Space
This work involves a number of skills and ways of being, including empathy and connection, which are valuable abilities when working with groups of people.
There’s also a lot of guidance and holding the space involved, which are also difficult to put a simple label on.
See also Choosing Your FamBiz Tour Guide and Holding the Courageous, Compassionate Space for a Family.
As I await the “perfect” name for this work, I have a Zoom background banner calling myself a Family Legacy Guide, and a business card where I call myself an Independent Advisor to Families.
Not perfectly clear, but clear enough.
