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On the Nebulous Prospect of “The Family” as the Client
When I had my calling to work with enterprising families over a decade ago, the idea of having “the family” as my client seemed to make lots of sense, as it was very intuitive to me to want to work for the good of everyone.
The concept was presented to me during the Family Enterprise Advisor program (FEA) and since I was not yet an advisor, but instead someone who came from such a family, it seemed like an easy thing to grasp and adopt.
Thirteen years later, I can tell you how difficult this can be in practice, and we’ll look at some of those challenges here this week.
We’ll talk about neutrality, remaining “equidistant” and avoiding triangles, and some of the traps you need to look out for when serving family clients.
There’s a lot to cover so let’s jump in.
Reality and Perception Can Differ
At the beginning of a relationship with a family, when I share that I look at the entire family as my client, heads typically nod along.
It sounds perfectly normal and benign.
The problem is that a family is not some unitary entity, it’s actually a whole system of interdependent beings, each with their own viewpoints, agendas, and needs.
While it’s laudable to be “all things to everyone equally”, those varying needs of the individuals can get in the way and be challenging.
Sometimes doing whatever we can to be perceived as neutral as possible is the most important part of the way we act.
I was part of yet another peer call recently when this subject came up, and I shared my view of a family I’m working with where I try to stay in between G2 and G3 and try not to let either side feel like I’m more aligned with the other.
Someone replied and used the word “equidistant”, and I noted that because I had never heard it phrased that way and I liked it (and it became the impetus for this post).
Is Equidistant the Same as Neutral?
The following month as this group met anew, the subject came up again.
This time, the idea of neutrality was mentioned, which seemed to resonate better with many on the call.
We then got into a discussion around neutrality and once again got into the part about being perceived as neutral being as important as actually being neutral.
And because this group is focused on family systems theory, we eventually got around to the idea of triangles and the fact that family members often try to bring their advisors closer to their corner of any triangle vis-à-vis others in the family.
While all of these labels are related to the same idea, they aren’t necessarily synonyms either.
But it certainly did turn into an interesting discussion and hopefully the makings of a useful blog post!
Is It Facilitating, Coaching, or Mediation?
This brings us to another, related, subject; how we label our work.
In the past, I had a business card and email signature that mentioned coaching, facilitation and mediation as the services I offered.
I have since removed any mention of mediation, because I felt like situations that require mediation are just a bit beyond my comfort zone, and because I now know other people who do this better than I can, and to whom I will refer clients instead.
In fact, as I’ve discussed with others who do offer mediation, it’s very important to decipher on the front end of meeting with a prospect, whether they’re looking for a facilitator/coach or if they are well past that stage and actually need mediation.
In the latter cases, we need to ensure that the first discussion is cut short, lest we then get labelled by the other party as “not neutral”, i.e. biased in favour of the person who contacted us.
Neutral and Ready to Engage
Wrapping up, let’s just reinforce that being neutral, and being perceived as such, is not the same as being dormant.
When the engine of my car is running, even in Park or Neutral, it is “ready to go”, and to serve it’s intended purpose.
I hope I’ve underscored some of the challenges in having the “family” as your client.
Every person needs to feel comfortable believing that you are there for them, at all times.
