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A Different Look at Process Versus Content

A Look Behind the Scenes

The work I do with enterprising families who are transitioning their wealth to the next generation revolves almost exclusively on guiding the process that they’re following.

Such families also need to work with a number of content specialists, of course, who provide them with important parts of the overall solution they’re looking for.

There’s a big contrast between providing content and guiding a process, and one of the keys is simply recognizing which one you’re doing at any given time.

But this week, we’re going to deviate quite a bit from the world of family transitions, and look at process versus content from a different angle.

Over a Decade of Evolution

I began sharing my thoughts here on a weekly basis over a decade ago, just as I was discovering that the process part of this work was what I was called to do with the rest of my work life.

As it turns out, writing about 750 words every single week is not something that most people do, but I’ve got over 500 blogs up here already and have no intention of stopping.

In fact, as I write this, I’m heading out on vacation, and while I toyed with the idea of skipping a couple of weeks or recycling old posts, I decided to forge ahead.

Besides these blogs, I sometimes write longer form pieces, and I’m involved with hosting some podcasts too.

So all of that, plus two books I’ve written, amounts to a whole heck of a lot of content.

Switching to Process Now

Over the years, lots of colleagues have asked my why and how I do this, so the rest of this post will be about my process. 

I am constantly looking for (and listening for) ideas to write about. Every time I jot one done in a notebook, I typically send myself an email with the details so that I can keep these in a folder labeled “blog ideas”.

My weekly routine usually begins sometime on Wednesday, when I look at that email folder of ideas and choose which one I’m going to write about this weekend.

After sleeping on it, I sometimes get a very quick start on Thursday evening, opening a Word file, creating a title, and getting a decent opening drafted.

I also do a search for some accompanying visuals on Unsplash, where I try to find three eye-catching and relevant photos or illustrations to go with my post.

The Friday/Saturday Crunch

The bulk of the writing happens on Friday and Saturday, but it’s hard for me to say which is a bigger day.

If I really get rolling on Friday, I can quickly wrap up on Saturday. If I’m not feeling it on Friday, I’ve got more left to tackle on Saturday.

The most important thing I want to share is that each post usually involves at least 4 or 5 “touchpoints”, where I open the Word file and make some progress.

These involve spurts of writing that last 10 to 20 minutes, and move the post along by some percentage (say 15% to 50%) towards completion.

I do not carve out a block of time to do this in one sitting. That might work for some, but for me, I like to make some progress and then let it sit.

The next time I pick it up, a few hours later or the next day, I read what I have from the beginning and then add another section or two.

Sunday and Monday

My blogs go out to subscribers on Monday, and that’s also when they get posted to LinkedIn.

But that blog wasn’t written the weekend just before, it was done the week prior, to give the people who help me out with the back end work some leeway to do their parts.

By Sunday morning I’m usually just making sure everything is fine, and then on Monday I send it to my support team for processing.

Meantime, the blog I wrote about a week ago comes to me to be okayed for release on Monday.

The overall process is pretty standard now, but the details vary, depending on many factors.

Much like my work with families, the big parts are similar, but there’s a heck of a lot of variability along the way.

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Family Conflict Isn’t Always Negative

Irrational Fear Gets in the Way of Progress

More often than not, families try to avoid conflict at all cost. For reasons that most of us can easily relate to, it makes sense to try to keep the peace with our relatives.

Unfortunately, especially in cases where we either work with family members or own things together, the fear of any conflict actually ends up making things worse instead of better.

I’m not advocating that you look for trouble and find things to fight about, far from it. 

But, in many families, finding ways to get the positives out of differing viewpoints and priorities would do them a world of good and make things better for everyone.

It Won’t Realistically End

The genesis of this post is an article from Time Magazine that I recently stumbled upon, written by William Ury from the Harvard Negotiation Project.

The Time article is entitled 3 Ways to Make Conflict Less Destructive, and I want to share the parts I liked about it as it regards families.

Ury was the younger partner of Roger Fisher when they wrote Getting to Yes in 1981, and has gone on to become a global conflict guru of sorts.

His Time article came out as his latest book, Possible, is being published, and I recently saw a picture of the current US President holding a copy of the book.

The essay in Time starts off with Ury stating the obvious, “…we need to be realistic: we can’t end conflict.”

We Need More Conflict, Not Less!

Ury actually thinks we need more conflict, not less. Since we can’t eliminate it, we need to find ways to transform it instead.

My take on this is that when I see conflict I focus on the energy that it provides, as opposed to the inertia that comes from people internalizing their differences.

When families are afraid to raise and air their differences, small problems grow into bigger ones that end up being even harder to resolve.

So let’s get to Ury’s 3 ways to make conflict less destructive: a clear perspective, a way out, and help from others.

Getting a Clear Perspective

It’s easy to get so into the emotions that you begin to lose sight of the bigger picture.

It’s important to do two things when this occurs: slow down, and step back.

Stop the argument or the fight and breathe, and slow things down. This helps you think more clearly, using the correct part of your brain.

Then step back and look at the issues from up above, from the balcony, so to speak. See Getting Vertical – From the Iceberg to the Balcony.

When you slow down and step back, you’ll be able to see things more clearly and be able to think of ways to resolve the issue.

Finding a Way Out for Everyone

Ury’s second suggestion is one that I think applies particularly to families, because the ongoing relationships of the people are typically pretty important to keep in mind.

In fact, he writes “find a way out”, and the “for everyone” in the subhead above is my own addition.

As you have paused and stepped back to think things through, you really need to look at the bigger picture, which necessarily includes considering what the other side is saying and pushing for.

You need to find some way for each of the parties to get something out of the confrontation.

See Kissing your Sister: Playing for a Tie in FamBiz

If you expect to get 100% of what you want, and the other person 0%, the likelihood of them agreeing is also about 0%.

Help from Others (External Neutrality)

The third suggestion is one I absolutely agree with, and nobody should be surprised by this.

As someone who works with families, being that non-family person is a role I am very familiar and comfortable with.

Seeking help from others makes so much sense, especially in the context of the first two ideas.

An external person, who has no stake in the outcome, can help force you to slow down and step back, and help you find a way out for each of the parties, all while remaining neutral.

Better than Fake Harmony

Finding ways to work on the conflict together is so much more effective than continuing to pretend that it doesn’t exist.

Such fake harmony can be insidious, and only allows problems to fester.

It isn’t always easy to get started, and perhaps the three suggestions need to be reordered, so you actually begin with finding someone to help you out.

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Learning to Loosen Your Grip on Things

Letting Go Suddenly Can Be Difficult

As I was preparing for an upcoming meeting with a couple who have long been leading their family business, I imagined what subjects might arise during our time together.

At the very top of my list, based on some previous discussions I’d had with a some of their offspring a couple of years back, was the idea that at least one of them seemed very resistant to the prospect of “letting go” of their responsibilities in the company.

So I added the idea of switching one’s mindset from letting go to instead think about loosening one’s grip to my blog ideas folder.

Alas, as it turned out during our meeting, this challenge is far from the biggest priority for that family right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less blogworthy!

An Event Versus a Process

One of the mantras I always go back to when working with families is to stop thinking in terms of events that you need to tick off a to-do list, and instead consider the whole process of getting something important done.

Almost every one of my colleagues have said at some point “succession is not an event, it’s a process”.

I personally don’t like to use the word “succession”, and I began phasing it out of my vocabulary even before I became a fan of the TV series.

See Efficient Vs. Effective Continuity Planning, for example

Focusing on continuity, or what you want to remain the same, lends itself almost automatically to thinking more about process than any particular event.

A Transfer Versus a Transition

Staying with the importance of word choice, regular readers will note my preference for talking about the transition of wealth from one generation to the next, as opposed to its transfer.

Watch: Wealth Transfer Vs. Wealth Transition

Once again, though, the idea is the same.

I almost always prefer things to go slowly but surely, as opposed to rushing through something just to get it over with.

So the idea of learning to loosen your grip rather than fighting the push to “just let go” feels like it fits the pattern.

One Small Step at a Time

Part of the problem that some people have with learning to move forward with any change is simply stubbornness.

When faced with someone like that in your family it can be tough to get any movement, especially when you approach them in an “all-or-nothing” way.

If someone is reluctant to allow you to make a bigger place for yourself in the business, I suggest that you don’t simply give up, but rather look for the tiniest place to take on part of someone’s role that they hold a death-grip on.

Small, incremental steps, done without much fanfare or even any discussion, can be a way to start to get someone to loosen that grip.

See Asking for Permission Vs. Asking for Forgiveness

The Beach Versus the Pool

Whenever I think about this subject, I have flashbacks of my Dad, who’s been gone for over a decade and a half.

I some ways we had a non-standard father-son relationship at work, where he was often quick to want to do something big, and I was the one who preferred we take our time and take a more modest approach.

I like to walk into the water at the beach, while he preferred to jump into the deep end of the pool, proverbially speaking.

I think this is a contrast from what you might normally see, where the rising generation want to go quickly and the elders force them to slow things down and not change things too fast.

However, he was very slow and progressive with his retirement, where he started taking a half a day off each week at 55, and then added another half day to that every year, until he got down to one day a week.

An Updated Torch Metaphor?

Let’s close out with a torch metaphor that may not be the one you’re used to hearing.

The expression “passing the torch” is well worn and actually often counterproductive when it comes to family transitions.

I prefer the version where each person has their own torch, and the flames from the elders’ torches are used to ignite those of the members of the rising generation.

This way, everyone can maintain as tight a grip as they want, because it can be dangerous to simply let go of a flaming torch anyway.

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Seeking Resources to Get Back On Kilter

Does My Title Leave You Disgruntled?

This week we’re looking at an important subject that relates to how we go about looking for and evaluating potential resources to work with.

OK, it’s actually all about people, and how we get to know them and decide if we want to work with them.

Long time readers know about my penchant for creating acronyms or mnemonics to remember things, and this one, “kilter” is a bit of a stretch, I’ll admit.

The fact that we typically talk about its opposite, i.e. “off kilter” or “out of kilter” reminded me of another common word whose opposite doesn’t really sound right or even exist.

If this has you disgruntled, I invite you to consider its positive version, and imagine that it won’t leave you “gruntled”.

The Genesis of KiLTeR

Back to the subject at hand, considering people we may want to work with, and how to think about them.

For years I’ve been known to speak about people while noting whether or not I “know” them, “like” them, and “trust” them.

Whenever anyone brings up the name of someone and asks for my opinion, my go-to reflex is to share that they tick these three boxes, if that is in fact true.

“Oh yes, I know her, like her and trust her”, which typically leads to a nice exchange, and which presumably gives comfort to the other person.

That covers the K, L, and T, and more recently I’ve added the R, for respect.

Let’s break down all four now.

Knowing Someone Who Can Help

Naturally we need to start with whether or not you know someone, which seems straightforward.

Of course there are different levels of knowing someone, running from simple name recognition to whether or not you’ve spent the night at someone’s home and know their family members.

As someone who puts lots of content out there, many people “know” me, which is all by design, but most readers don’t get too far beyond knowing my work and into knowing the real me.

Liking Them Enough to Want to Bring Them In

Whether or not you like someone can also be tricky, as there are lots of people for whom my opinion has changed over time, and in both directions.

But if I don’t currently like someone, chances are that I don’t want to spend much time with them or even discussing them, much less recommending to someone that they may wish to work with them.

Trusting Them to Serve Your Client Well

Now we’re getting into the more important areas, and sharing whether or not you trust someone.

Again, this is not as simple as it might appear.

I trust my mother implicitly, but that doesn’t mean that I’d recommend you work with her to solve a computer issue.

I’m trying to make the point that when weighing the question of trust, it’s pretty important to understand the task at hand and the particular circumstances that need to be dealt with.

There are lots of people I know and like, but the number of them that I also trust, especially when you’re looking at particularly tricky situations, is a much smaller subset.

So when asking about trust, make sure you clarify “trust them for what?”

Respecting Their Work No Matter What

So we’ve now arrived at the latest addition to my list to complete KiLTeR, respect.

In many ways it’s the perfect capstone, but in others it may not actually be a good fit.

Presumably, if I know, like, and trust someone, I’ll probably respect them too. But it feels like there’s another level there, and maybe it’s something that needs to be built up towards over time.

Part of me feels like respect grows with time and repetition, but maybe that applies to trust too(?)

And that doesn’t even cover people you respect even though you might not know them or like them, which is also possible.

The High Bar of All Four

In the end though, if someone ticks all four of those boxes, that’s a pretty high bar

Getting to know someone is more fun when you also instantly like them, and then the more you get to know them, hopefully the trust and respect will grow as well.

Circling back to my title, about seeking resources, my hope is that my “kilter” mnemonic will be helpful in creating a sort of check list you can use.

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Bringing the Weather (and a Deck of Cards)

What Can a Leader Bring to a Meeting?

This week we’re going to be looking at meetings involving members of the same family, and the importance of leadership in the room.

This blog idea has its genesis in an online training session I was part of a few weeks ago, where the idea of “weather” was brought back into my memory.

Then, more recently, while taking part in an in-person session with a different group, my deck of cards idea received an enthusiastic reaction, which makes me want to share it here.

As luck would have it, in my imagination, there’s a way to bring both these ideas together, and you’re about to see if I can pull it off.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Leaders Bring the Weather

The virtual training was part of the Family Enterprise Advisor program, which I initially took part in over a decade ago. I’m sitting in on all the sessions again as part of a new role I’m taking on as a project team advisor.

The facilitation and communication module included some great gems I’d either forgotten or which have been added to the curriculum more recently.

At one point one of the instructors shared the line that “leaders bring the weather”, which I quickly jotted down, as it instantly struck me as “blog-worthy”.

It also brought be back to my days working in the business my Dad had founded, and a question I often asked his secretary (yes, that’s what we called them back then) when I showed up at his office and his door was closed.

“How’s the weather in there with the Big Guy today, Monique?”

Weather Versus Climate

Much like many entrepreneur founders, especially those from that era, he was often high strung and sometimes his temper was volatile, putting it mildly.

It was always good to have Monique’s “forecast” in advance, so that I could be properly equipped for what might lie on the other side of the door.

I want to distinguish between weather and climate, though.

I liken climate to corporate culture, and ours was actually pretty good and generally healthy.

Of course even in a nice climate, bad weather and storms do occur.

The point is, though, that a leader in a room can have an outsized effect on what the mood is like in a room where a meeting is taking place.

When meeting with several family members, and where that leader also goes by the name “Dad”, it can be tricky to make progress in some areas.

A Facilitator to Randomize the Speaking Order

This leads nicely to my next point, about how leadership in a meeting room is so key to allowing important items to be raised.

The second peer session I referenced above included some colleagues who were newer to the family meeting facilitation arena. 

We were in a small group exercise sharing our best tools we bring to such situations, and I decided to include my deck of cards principle.

I always bring a deck of playing cards with me when I’m asked to lead a family meeting.

(Interestingly, this is another idea I came up with on my own, much like Using the Meeting # 0 Concept with Families.)

This allows me to easily randomize the order in which people are given the floor to speak, which may not seem like a big deal.

Follow the Leader?

When a family has the foresight and wisdom to engage a non-family facilitator to chair their meetings, that person is given a certain amount of power, which they then need to understand how to best deploy.

Such facilitators are charged with managing “process” considerations as opposed to the “content”, which is what the family brings.

A fundamental component of the process is speaking time and speaking order.

In many such situations, the default has typically been to have Dad share his views first, with the expectation that others will agree with him and toe the line. 

I bring a deck of cards and have everyone choose one, and then I decide the order in which they’ll each speak, low to high, or vice versa.

Using Your Limited Power Judiciously

Any outsider who gets the opportunity to play such a key role for a family must also realize the limits on the power it contains.

Using this “power” judiciously will almost surely help anyone to be able to wield it over a longer term.

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An Abnormal Amount of Normalizing

So Many Families Think They’re Alone

Recently I realized that there’s something I do a lot of, which is telling families (and individual family members) that what they’re experiencing is not unique to them.

The best word to describe this is “normalizing”, and it’s really growing on me. 

Despite the fact that the word is also used in the context of politics and the media’s role in it, it has a huge place in the kind of work I do on a regular basis when dealing with family enterprises.

This week we’ll look at what it is and why it’s prevalent in my work, and how it brings both comfort and clarity to so many.

When I recognized that I was doing an abnormal amount of normalizing, it became clear that it was time to blog about it.

Let’s start with a few concrete examples.

Lack of Maturity in the Rising Generation

As someone who typically works with a number of different members of the same family, often from different generations, one of the key benefits I offer is an unbiased perspective on what I see in each person, which I can then share with others as needed.

You probably won’t be surprised to hear that this often involves sharing my views on those in the rising generation with their parents.

Parents’ views of their own offspring are naturally skewed (here I am normalizing again!) and so it often happens that I offer a new way of thinking about where they appear to be in my eyes, and how mature they actually are.

Underestimating how far our children have come is pretty commonplace, as you can imagine.

Another area related to this is sharing thoughts on the relative maturity of various family members.

I recall sharing with one mother that it seemed normal to me that the youngest sibling who was still single would be less mature than their older sibling who was married and raising teenagers.

Families Unsure of How to Plan Their Transition

Switching gears here, I’m thinking about a trip I made last fall where I was invited to speak with the parents of about a dozen wealthy families, all of whom are planning their eventual wealth transitions.

There was a certain angst among many of them, who seemed to feel uneasy about the fact that they weren’t really sure about what they were doing, or how things would play out.

I tried my best to make them feel like they were actually way ahead of most families, who typically give this subject little thought until something forces them into action.

The fact that these people were coming together with their wealth managers who had invited them was a great sign.

Indeed, I said, it’s quite normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and under-prepared, and here they were actually being proactive about this challenge.

Do They Have Too Much Informality?

Pivoting once again, I now want to share a bit from another role I play, as one of the instructors of the Family Governance course (FFI GEN 502) offered by the Family Firm Institute.

I enjoy teaching this course every year because is allows me to interact with other learners from around the globe, all of whom are interested in finding ways to better serve their family clients.

A recurring theme is that successful families typically achieve some success with very little in the way of formal procedures or structure.

Both the families and their professional advisors then begin to feel like a bit of “imposter syndrome” as they come to realize that some formality is now becoming necessary, assuming they wish to continue, and eventually transition what they’ve built to the next generation.

That feeling of “Hmmm, we’re not so sure about what we’re doing and what we need to be thinking about and doing next” is very normal.

But, as I discussed with my guest on this podcast I hosted a few years back, The “Natural Advantage” of Family Businesses, the outside advisors should hesitate before offering “best practices” to these clients.

Giving Comfort, Clarity, and Positivity

In the end, the normalizing I do is usually designed to give family members both comfort and clarity about their situation, all the while reassuring them they’re on the right track.

Doing this with the requisite positivity this entails is also part of the secret sauce that people like me can bring to these complex situations.

 

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Using the “Meeting # 0” Concept with Families

Co-Creating How You Will Be Together

Last week in Setting Expectations for Regular Meetings with Family, we ended up running out of racetrack just as I was getting to a key idea I wanted to share.

So because I enjoy having complete editorial licence over all my writing, I decided to kick this forward a week and address it here now, which will actually allow me to properly share it here in more detail than I would have as part of last week’s missive.

So much of what I write about here is borrowed, recycled, repurposed or re-shared from the work of other respected colleagues who work in this space, and I am eternally grateful for everyone else who openly shares their work with others in various ways.

It is therefore actually pretty rare for me to be able to write about something that I came up with completely on my own, which I will be doing here now.

“Let’s Have a Meeting # 0”

The origin of this idea goes back several years when I was working with a family client where I’d been brought in to coach the rising generation (G4) as they were preparing for various roles in the family enterprise.

After a year or so of helping them understand how to relate with and rely on each other, they were getting into the swing of things and had already worked together on organizing a couple of weekend family retreats.

Eventually, when it became clear to them and their parents that they were now ready to create a true “family council”, I congratulated them on getting to this point, and then suggested a first step.

“Let’s start with a Meeting # 0” I said. (Meeting Number Zero)

After digesting their somewhat quizzical looks for a moment, I continued.

“Let’s have a meeting with everyone who’s going to be involved in the family council, but we won’t jump right in and have our first family council meeting, we’ll make sure to lay a good foundation, and spend the time necessary to co-create what we want those meetings to look like and feel like”.

 

A Meeting About the Meetings

It would have been tempting to throw together an agenda for “Meeting # 1” and jump right in, but I recognized that because they were paying me for my guidance, it behooved me to do the hard work of slowing them down a bit.

I’ve since come to realize the importance of this, as I have deployed this idea on a number of occasions, pretty much whenever I’m involved with a group who are embarking on what is to become a series of regular meetings together.

A this point the idea of who will be involved has typically been agreed to, and the general reasoning behind the need for the meetings is also pretty clear.

What remains to be done is to set the stage for two key questions:

  • What are we going to DO?
  • How are we going to BE?

What Are We Going to Do Together?

This is the simpler of the two questions, as it falls under the heading of things we typically think about when we are talking about getting together.

The agenda of topics to be discussed is important, although before you actually begin, it’s hard to get into anything more than generalities.

In fact, if you already knew all these details, you wouldn’t necessarily even need to have a meeting, except perhaps to disseminate information.

As noted in Live from the Forum: Successful Transitions, when you are planning a “forum”, that entails plenty of open discussion, which theoretically can then go into a variety of unplanned directions (and that’s a good thing!)

How Are We Going to Be Together?

By far the trickier question you want to address in Meeting # 0 is how you’re going to be together.

See The Being/Doing Connection.

It’s something that will evolve, of course, but it’s worth spending some time upfront on expectations and desires here.

I hinted at a big part of this just above, when I noted that a “forum” or open discussion is desired.

In fact, the Meeting # 0 idea doesn’t usually apply in other circumstances where a “meeting” is essentially just an occasion to deal with the “same old, same old”.

We’re talking about an exchange of ideas with the goal of co-creating a future together, and that merits more time spent on building a clear, strong foundation.

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Setting Expectations for Regular Meetings with Family

What People Like to Know Beforehand

Whenever experts share what’s important for families to do to successfully transition their business to the next generation, the concept of holding regular family meetings is always at or near the top of the list.

That all sounds pretty straightforward and simple, doesn’t it?

Of course simple is not the same as easy, as I frequently repeat.

Losing weight and quitting smoking are also pretty simple to explain, yet obviously much more difficult to do.

Ideas, they say, are a dime a dozen. It all comes down to implementation.

So this week we’re going to look at one of the key parts of getting families on the right path to regular meetings, by properly setting expectations.

See Great Expectations in Enterprising Families

Start with WHY

Whenever you bring people together for a specific reason, it’s so important for everyone to be on the same page as to why they’re being asked to assemble.

If people are unclear, and/or people arrive with different understandings as to why they’re there, then you should not be surprised if your results are sub-optimal.

Of course that doesn’t mean that all meetings are always perfectly in sync with respect to this question, far from it.

It is, though, something I recommend you strive for, and constantly work to ensure.

Knowing why you’re getting together, and working to constantly keep that “why” clear and consistent for all attendees, is so important.

It’s essential to try to instill this for meetings with family members, around the transitions you’re working towards.

See Live from the Forum: Successful Transitions

What to Expect, Generally – Why vs. What

Assuming you can all get clear and agree on why you’re coming together, we can now switch over and start looking at the “what” questions, or some of the details.

In my world, “what” questions are a category that also includes some of the other important yet mundane details, such as “when” and “where”.

It’s obviously key to make sure that the time and place are clear, but once those are set, they’re quickly forgotten. Not so with some of the questions we’ll get to now.

Another relatively simple question might seem to be “what are we going to discuss?” which typically becomes another version of “what’s on the agenda”.

This seems straightforward, yet can become tricky as well.

Because we’re talking about what’s supposed to become a regular series of meetings here, having a “standard agenda format” is ideal, yet not something you can expect to get perfectly established right from the first meeting.

Some Key “Who” Details

We’ve covered some key details so far, yet haven’t even addressed the “who” elements.

Who’s invited, who’ll show up, who’ll lead the meetings, who’ll support that leader, and who’ll speak in what order, are all areas to be considered.

Again, the answers to these questions can evolve with time and vary as some trial and error naturally takes place.

Having someone who cares about such details and who works to make things clear and consistent is paramount.

Repetition and Reinforcing Habits

For such a series of meetings to get traction, it’s important to find a repeatable process to get everyone in the habit of understanding what is expected.

A regular opening to set the stage can involve a check in around good news or gratitude, or re-reading a family mission statement.

Early on, if things have been contentious, maybe re-reading agreed upon guidelines might be necessary.

A standard ending about setting the next date, going over what was agreed to, and who will do what in the interim can also make sense.

Engagement and Alignment Revisited

Families who are working on these transitions can struggle with getting all family members engaged, so it’s important not to set expectations too high. 

It’s normal for it to take time, especially when beginning such meetings comes out of the blue.

See Family Engagement and Family Alignment – Chicken and Egg

Remember that engagement and alignment need to remain top of mind, and when one is missing, you can sometimes work on the other and get success.

My “Meeting # 0” Philosophy

I shared more here than I expected, and I didn’t leave myself enough room to talk about my “Meeting # 0” (Meeting Number Zero) idea.

I came up with this a few years ago and have used it on a number of occasions with success, and now other folks I know have begun to use it too.

We’ll look at that some more next week.

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The Man in the Family Business Arena

On Dealing with Criticism in Family Enterprise

This week we’re taking a bit of a different tack, and entering into some territory that’s relatively new for me.

I can’t even really say how this idea came onto my radar, except to say that it first arose a little over a month ago while I was on vacation in the Caribbean. 

Perhaps a few days sitting on a beach created some new thinking.

It had been a few months since I last recalled hearing about the speech commonly known as “The Man in the Arena”, but something brought it front of mind for me in Antigua one day.

The gist of it that I recalled is that the person busy doing things should not pay too much attention to their critics, and so I decided to save it to my “future blogs” folder.

In the Spotlight of Potential Critics

As I researched the speech to get the more context, I learned that Teddy Roosevelt made this speech in Paris in 1910, which would have been soon after his second term as US President ended.

Presumably as President he was the subject of much criticism, and now felt he had some perspective to share with other “doers” who constantly suffer the slings of so many “watchers”.

A brief excerpt:

           

                         “It is not the critic who counts… 

                           …The credit belongs to the man who 

                           is in the arena, whose face is marred 

                           by dust and sweat and blood….”

 

Roosevelt’s speech was about citizenship in society, but that’s not the area I normally cover, as I typically write about families and the challenges they face when transitioning their wealth to the next generation.

Let’s pivot to that world now, and see what we can uncover.

Giving Credit Instead of Criticism

Quite often the person who founded a family business that becomes successful ends up getting a lot of credit for their hard work and ingenuity.

Along the way, though, they surely almost always have to have ignored many critics and persevered in spite of many naysayers.

At some point though, after achieving success the credit outweighs the criticism.

As the business passes from one generation to the next, this often changes markedly, though.

As any second-generation successor will attest, the criticism and second-guessing typically outweighs credit for a long time.

I suppose that in the end, they need to develop the same thick skin that their parents had to persevere in spite of criticism for decades before the credit finally comes.

Attitude Changes from One Generation to the Next

Of course one of the key differences for the generations that follow that of the founder is that many of the critics are actually other family members.

While cutting “Dad” some slack with an attitude of “it’s his business, so he can do whatever he wants with it” is normal, that attitude rarely survives to the successor, who often attained that leadership role in some sort of “coronation”.

Those who did not receive the crown can become the greatest critics of the one who did.

Taking a big leadership role in a family is fraught with risk and isn’t for everyone, and criticism can be one of the biggest drawbacks.

Surviving the criticism while awaiting the credit can be exhausting.

What About Tom Brady in All of This?

If you Google “the man in the arena” nowadays, you will come across references to a recent TV series with that title, featuring football star Tom Brady.

As I mentioned this blog topic to my son he asked “Are you writing about Tom Brady?”. I said “No, Teddy Roosevelt”.

But then I awoke the next day and realized that a Brady tie-in could work for me.

Having won the Super Bowl seven times, he’s received his share of credit from many fans, as well as criticism from detractors. 

He also benefited from playing for some great coaches over the years, most notably Bill Belichick.

Coaching as Part of the Solution?

Brady as the man in the arena certainly spent a good deal of time working through challenges with his coaches.

A good coach can keep you from getting too high on yourself when things are going well, while also boosting you up as needed when things aren’t going as planned.

For those who are busy “doing”, they certainly should be encouraged to continue moving forward, but while also taking time to reflect with someone they truly trust.

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Knowledge Vs. Skill in Family Meetings and on the Water

Back to the Water for More Analogies

A few of weeks ago, in Diving into a Family System Without Making a Splash we were in the ocean, playing with a metaphor.

Well, we’re going back to the water again this week, thanks to some new thinking I want to share here.

I’ve recently taken on yet another role in this wonderful field of ours, which has me re-doing some coursework I did over a decade ago.

As part of my training to become a “project advisor” for teams enrolled in the Family Enterprise Advisor (FEA) program, I’m observing each of the seven modules of the course over the coming months.

While sitting in on the Facilitation and Communication module recently, I was part of a background discussion with the instructors and the team responsible for the course deliverables.

What Needs to Be Done Vs. Who’s Qualified to Do It

While the enrolled participants were in a breakout room doing a role play, we talked about the fact that some former students would sometimes think that having done a quick two-day workshop on facilitation immediately qualified them to run complex family meetings with clients.

The vast majority of students come from a specialized technical profession and quickly recognize their limitations and rightly hesitate to offer themselves up as skilled enough to play that role without additional training.

But there are always a few who overestimate their ability and underestimate the complexity, not to mention the damage they can cause.

While the module on facilitation is meant to serve as a primer so that students understand what families need to think about doing with respect to having regular family meetings, it was not designed to make people skilled experts.

And that’s where I began to think of the analogy that we’re going to jump to now.

My Pleasure Craft Operator Card

I mentioned going back to the water again so let’s look at what you need to have to be able to operate a boat in Canada.

For the record, I obtained my Pleasure Craft Operator Card a few years back, making me, at least theoretically, qualified to operate a boat on the open water anywhere in Canada.

If you own such a boat, however, I strongly suggest that you not allow me to operate it, because I really don’t know what I’m doing, never having really driven a boat before.

My wife grew up on a river with a boat just outside her back door, and hence has decades of experience in everything concerned with safely taking a boat out on the water and bringing it and everyone on it back in one piece.

I play the Gilligan role to her Skipper, although I certainly bear more of a resemblance to the latter.

In case my point is not clear, taking a quick test of my knowledge on boating does not, in any way, give me the skills to safely operate a boat.

That Looks Like It Could Be Fun

So let’s see if we can put the analogy together with the point I’m making.

Taking a boat out onto the lake or river certainly looks like it could be a lot of fun. Let’s face it, that’s part of the attraction.

It’s also not as easy as it looks. 

There’s a show on YouTube called Boneheaded Boaters of the Week that you can check out if you don’t believe me.

There is no equivalent show about underqualified people leading family meetings, leading to suboptimal results.

Facilitating family meetings can also be fun, which is probably why some people want to try it.

But, staying in the water for a moment, if you just read a book about swimming but have never done it before, would you want me to drop you off in the middle of a big lake for your first attempt at it?

Skill, Confidence, Comfort

Almost a year ago, in On Clergy and Family Meetings, I shared a story about someone who had been a hospital chaplain, who now worked for a multi-family office.

I noted that I believe he’d be qualified to run family meetings because he had certainly experienced what it’s like to be in the room with a family during a difficult time.

He clearly has the skill and confidence to walk into a situation where a family is trying to make important decisions together during less than ideal circumstances.

Feeling comfortable playing a key role in that environment is not something everyone is cut out for.

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