When Family Relationships Become Emotionally Expensive

Weighing the Costs of Being Together

Just about every family has at least some members who view themselves as “one big happy family”, although many of those also include other people who view things quite differently.

While many strive for the “family of affinity” goal espoused by James E. (Jay) Hughes Jr., few achieve that status.

When I begin working with a family, one of the first things I try to sense (i.e. look for and listen for) is how much they seem to enjoy each others’ company.

I recently heard a new term to describe situations where simply being together with relatives is instantly uncomfortable.

If you read the title of this post, you’ll realize I’m referring to the term “emotionally expensive”.

Section 01

The Student Becomes the Teacher

I’m fortunate to play several roles in the ecosystem of the family enterprise world, including one where I serve as a project team advisor to participants in the Family Enterprise Advisor program, which happens to be where I found my calling way back in 2013.

It was during a weekly call with my current team (my eighth!) where they were preparing for the family meeting during which they were going to share their findings that one of the team members used a term I hadn’t heard before.

The family they were working with had a conflictual sibling situation and he mentioned that this was currently “emotionally expensive”, which I immediately jotted down. (Merci K.E.)

It was not something I’d ever heard phrased that way, and yet it resonated immediately because of its simplicity and clarity.

Section 02

Let’s Try This Out in the Real World

The best way for me to know whether an idea or an expression has legs is to try it out in the real world.

So, after hearing about something being emotionally expensive that first time, I decided to test it out, casually at first.

I shared it a couple of times with colleagues first and it seemed to land well with them.

Of course, sharing something with other professionals is one thing, because it’s kind of like preaching to the choir.

What would happen if I used this expression with family clients who have some real emotional situations that they’re living through?

Section 03

The Return of An Old Client

As it so happens, I had a client a few years ago where I’d become the only person that all the siblings trusted enough to run their meetings for them.

While I was never able to help them resolve their disputes, I did keep them from suing each other for a few years, which was an accomplishment.

They had initially engaged me during the pandemic after the estate of their late father had finally been resolved though the courts after many years.

Their mother died last year, and they’re now trying to put her estate to bed without the need to go to court, and they’ve reached out to me for support.

As an aside, this case is the reason I no longer use the word “mediator” to describe what I do, because there are lots of other people who do this better than me, and I now refer others in for such situations.

Section 04

Really Expensive Relationships, Emotionally

As of this writing, I have had one-on-one calls with two of the brothers and I threw in the term emotionally expensive once with each of them.

These are people who would not spend time with each other but are forced to do so for reasons that are not of their own choosing.

The problem is that they’re stuck, and because there’s still a financial stake in this that’s too large to ignore, they will likely remain stuck for a while longer.

While it’s easy to say “buy me out”, that doesn’t make it feasible in real life, especially not in real time.

Section 05

A Family Project Is Not for All Families

When family members, usually siblings but then also cousins, are forced to be involved together there’s always a trade-off.

See Who’s In and Who’s Out of the Family Project.

The benefits, mostly financial, are assumed to outweigh the costs, which are less visible.

Those costs can be very high and can eventually outweigh the benefits in ways that are only really understandable by those who have lived them.