On Inclusion and Belonging in Groups and Families
Regular readers (thanks!) know that I’m involved in a number of groups of professionals who work in some area of the space I work in. See On Peer Groups and Feelings of Infidelity.
Almost all such groups go through phases of evolution, and the way things have always been done needs to be refreshed from time to time.
As it turns out, a few of my groups are at such inflection points, and in some of them, the actual membership of the group is in question.
This evoked thoughts about how we think about and discuss important questions, like the ones in the title of this post.
We’ll start by examining this in groups of unrelated people and see how things apply in families, especially those hoping to transition their wealth (in all its forms) to the next generation(s).
Section 01
Self-Directed Peer Group Stories
One of the peer groups I’ve enjoyed being a part of for the past few years is moving from a paid model, where a membership fee is what gets you in (after pre-qualifying), to a self-directed group set to begin in the fall.
This is a huge change, because the onus of organizing and facilitation will fall on volunteers instead of “staff”.
At our recent final “paid” meeting, the discussion around how we (may or may not) move forward was quite lively and yet not necessarily conclusive.
This will involve not only who is in or not, but who will be responsible for what.
Section 02
The Ever-Growing Membership Model
Another group has been around for decades, and the culture there was such that if you ever came to one of the annual retreat weekends, you were a member for life.
This has created an unwieldy list of people on our email list and difficulty in knowing who is even interested in still being part of the group.
We’re at the early stages of implementing an annual membership fee to weed out those who would prefer not being contacted anymore, but I can tell you that those discussions have been much more involved than you might expect.
Section 03
A Few More for Good Measure
Yet another group I’ve been a part of has seen its leadership change hands every few years, and we no longer have someone monitoring attendance so as to remove those who are AWOL.
And a group that is “included” in one’s membership in an institute is currently figuring out who gets to be part of one of its many “learning circles” as we move into our second year of operation.
Having members not show up and yet maintaining a waiting list for others has become problematic.
Finally, a group I created in 2020 is now undergoing our own self-reflection on how we continue to evolve, although that membership has typically been governed by who I choose to include.
Section 04
Who Gets to Be Part of the Family Project?
One of the ways I’m sometimes brought in to work with a family is helping them get started on their family governance journey.
Nobody reacts well to the word “governance”, so I like to think of it (and sometimes talk about it) as a family project.
The simplest way to explain it in many cases is to say that we’re trying to figure out the best way for “my wealth” to become “our wealth.”
So obviously, deciding who gets to be part of this project needs to be done with great care.
But while this is easy to say, it’s not necessarily easy to do.
See Who Gets to Decide Who Gets to Decide, and Continuity Planning: Who Is at the Table?
Section 05
“The Family Has to Decide”
All the veterans of this work will say that these decisions need to be made by the family, and they are correct in that it is not up to an outsider to make decisions like this for the family.
Some families would likely prefer to have someone else impose such decisions so that they could then proclaim innocence before anyone who did not agree.
The toughest questions surround whom to include, and when.
I always suggest starting small, because it is easier to add people later than to remove someone.
I also have a suggested rule that nobody is forced to come to family meetings, even if they are invited to participate.
A family project will evolve with time, and the goal is to have decisions become more democratic over the years.
Get started with a small group and go from there.
At A Glance
Rules of Thumb for the Family Project
Tap each card to reveal the principle.
+Rule IReframe Governance as a Project
“Nobody reacts well to the word ‘governance’, so I like to think of it as a family project.”
+Rule IIFrom “My” to “Our”
“The best way for ‘my wealth’ to become ‘our wealth.’”
+Rule IIIThe Family Decides — Not an Outsider
“It is not up to an outsider to make decisions like this for the family.”
+Rule IVStart Small
“It is easier to add people later than to remove someone.”
+Rule VInvite, Don’t Force
“Nobody is forced to come to family meetings, even if they are invited to participate.”
+Rule VIGrow Toward Democracy
“The goal is to have decisions become more democratic over the years.”
