When Does Parenting End, and When Should It?

Don’t Treat your 28-Year-Old Like They’re 8

Every once in a while, I read something that’s phrased in a way I’ve never seen before, but that resonates with me in a deep way.

I feel like I may have written that opening line before, maybe even recently, but that’s okay too.

It highlights the way my brain works, as someone who’s inspired by working with families, and who shares my thoughts weekly with others who are interested in this work.

And once again, a LinkedIn post is the genesis of this blog because that’s where I stumbled upon my money quote this week.

Section 01

Engaging Your Family as a Parent

The article in question was co-written by a respected colleague, Mike McGrann, who’s also a long-time instructor in the Family Enterprise Advisor program.

Regular readers may recall that I enrolled in the 2013 Toronto cohort of that program, and that’s where I had my calling to do the work that I’ve been doing (and writing about) ever since.

The article he co-wrote is titled How to Engage your Family in Legacy Co-Creation.

I often talk about the challenges in getting family members engaged in discussions around wealth transitions, so “how to engage” obviously resonates with me.

If you type “legacy” into the search function on my website, you’ll get tons of hits.

And if you’ve been on a Zoom call with me from my office, you’ll have seen the word “Co-Creation” prominently featured on the word cloud banner behind me.

So, they had me with the title.

Section 02

The Part About Parenting

The entire article is worth reading, but I want to switch my focus to a particular line that jumped off the screen at me.

— from Mike McGrann, “How to Engage your Family in Legacy Co-Creation”

I immediately quoted that line in the comments to that LinkedIn post and thanked him for sharing it.

Now I want to dissect it a bit further.

I love to harp on the need for adult-to-adult relationships (once the children become adults) in families, so this idea of parenting as something that needs to end lines up nicely.

Section 03

Let’s Start with the Outside and Work our Way In

My secondary title above gets right into it, telling parents not to treat their 28-year-old like they’re 8.

I chose that framing because I’ve seen parents do that and after I finish cringing, I know I have more work to do.

Such cases are common, however, which is unfortunate.

Interestingly, I recently had lunch with a colleague who shared that his father explained his entire family trust to him, with dollar amounts included, on his ninth birthday.

We both agreed that this is far from the norm.

There are far more “grown ass adults” out there who remain very much in the dark regarding the amount of financial wealth their family owns, compared to the number of grade schoolers who are clued in.

Section 04

What About the 18 in the Middle?

I think most people will agree about 8-year-olds and the fact that they “definitely need” parenting, and despite the strongly worded “should not be” regarding the 28-year-olds, most will be OK with that.

The 18-year-olds “sometimes” need it; hmmmm.

So, when are those times a “yes” and when are they a “no”?

That’ll depend on each “kid”, of course, because there are some 15-year-olds who need little parenting and some who still need plenty at 21.

Let’s step back and see what Mr. Google has to say about parenting in general:

There are some useful elements there, including the “active” aspect which I’ll suggest should fade into something more “passive”.

Section 05

It’s All About the Independent Adulthood

Unfortunately, some parents have difficulty with the last part, about the “independent adulthood” being the ultimate goal.

And that relates back to what I noted above about the “active” aspect (telling your kids what to do) that needs to eventually taper off as you let them do what they’ve decided that they want to do and live with the consequences.

An eight-year-old does not have the complete ability to think through consequences in many cases, so the parents need to do that for them.

But if your 28-year-old still doesn’t have that ability, then a good chunk of the blame rests with the parents.