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Following Up After the Big Meeting is the Key
“Now what”, or “what’s next”, are so important to making the progress we want to make, in so many areas of our lives.
And, it’s good to remind ourselves that even though we need to take time to recover from a big event to rest and reflect, we cannot take too much time “off” and very much need to get back into the rhythm of what was so great about a meeting.
Okay, so let me step back here and share what I’m getting at, because I uncharacteristically jumped right to my point without much context there.
I’ve just returned from another wonderful conference and I’m still coming down from the high of spending time with so many wonderful people, and as I planned to share the experience here, I realized that there are parallels here to the kind of work that I do with families.
Setting the Date for the Next Meeting
Whenever anyone asks for tips on holding a great family meeting, I’ve been known to say that the most important thing you need to do is make sure that you set the date for the next meeting, so that everyone can put it on their calendar and make sure they’ll be there.
I drove back from the annual FFI Conference in Boston yesterday, and so I just followed my own advice and added next year’s event to my calendar for October 25-28, 2023 in New York City.
I also made a note on my calendar for Monday morning, when I get back to my desk, to make sure I look through my notes and the event brochure and be sure not to let any follow-ups fall through the cracks.
I already went through the attendees list and made sure to hit up all the new folks I spoke with over the past few days with LinkedIn connection requests.
My notes will surely reveal some blog ideas and at least one follow up for a podcast guest request, if not more.
Connecting Like-Minded Colleagues
During the three days of the conference I was on the lookout for other fellow Canadians, so that I could add a Canadian flag sticker to their name badge.
I can’t believe that the 25 stickers I brought weren’t sufficient and I ran out. I must remember to bring more next time, and I should probably make sure I order extras, because they were quite popular.
Besides trying to herd all my fellow great-white-north friends, I was also on the lookout for any French-speaking attendees.
FFI has had a Spanish language study group for a decade now, and some fellow Quebecers want to launch something similar in French, so I spent some time trying to connect colleagues for that too.
More Jolly Good Fellows
Every year at the FFI conference they announce another group of members who have achieved “FFI Fellow” status, and this year I was very honoured to be part of this group.
I’m still a tiny bit disappointed that they haven’t adopted the tradition of singing “For he’s the jolly good fellow” during the ceremony, but I’ll get over it.
It is indeed gratifying to be part of the growing group of leaders in the field of family enterprise, all of whom make an effort to share so generously with colleagues so that we can all serve our family clients even better.
Back to the Family Meetings….
I just spent a few paragraphs writing a lot about “who”, and when you think about family meetings, the “who” part is also huge, because spending family time together is obviously a huge part of what you are trying to do.
Sharing common experiences is key to the family bonding and understanding, which is all part of making sure that your communications are working.
There’s also the “what” part you need to consider, and the content and planning are not something you want to skimp on or leave to the last minute.
Just like this conference I was at, many people spent a lot of time creating the conditions for success, and your family meetings deserve as much as well.
Make sure your agenda includes learning and fun, as well as some break time for people to just “be” together.
You want them to leave satisfied and looking forward to the next one.
It’s All Interconnected and It Never Really Ends
Every week in this space I tackle an issue related to the challenges families face when trying to ensure that the wealth or business they own will be successfully transitioned to the following generations of their family.
I’ve been doing this for a decade, and have yet to exhaust the topics on which I enjoy sharing my thoughts.
Sometimes the subjects are narrow, as they’ve been recently (see Should I Join My Family Business and Getting your MBA to Lead your Family Business: 5 Things to Consider), and other times, like this week, they’re reallllllllllly broad.
I’m not sure how to narrow my thoughts down into one post, but I’ll give it a shot.
Complex Subjects, with Lots of Moving Parts
Wealth transitions affect people from different generations of every family, and often deal with ownership and control going from a small group of people to a larger one.
Each person brings their own desires, needs, and expectations, making this work fraught with potential conflicting views and ideas.
There’s no “one-size-fits-all” method, although many professional experts in a particular subset of the field may try to make you believe otherwise.
I’ve recently been involved in a few different discussions and activities that made me realize how much of this work defies a linear approach, and is in fact very iterative and cyclical.
Few circumstances in this world lend themselves to a simple “do A, then B, then C, then D, and you’re done”.
Instead, when you get to C, you may realize that some elements of A need to be revisited, and the work done in B may now be irrelevant.
And This Is All a Good Thing
Lest readers begin to think that I believe that this is bad, well, NO, it actually has to be this way, assuming of course, that you want it to work.
Indeed, oftentimes experts have “shoved” their A-B-C-D process onto an unsuspecting family, which makes everyone happy and relieved in the short term, only to see most of it unravel once the family needs to actually live with the result.
With complex issues that involve so many parties, it is not realistic to think that a couple of people will be able to come up with the ideal plan for all right off the bat.
And even if you could, all those affected by it would not feel any ownership in it because they were not involved (or even heard) during its creation.
Planning and Governance Must Evolve Over Time
Whether we’re talking about structural elements of planning for which you involve experts in law, trusts, and taxes, or the family dynamics aspects that lead to what I call family governance, the same holds true.
You need to start by trying to figure out what you want, then you need to have discussions about it with those who will be affected by it, then you need to speak with experts and get their input.
Then you go around again, taking what you learned from the experts and sharing it with those who will be affected by the decisions.
After getting their input, you can go back to the experts again with plan 1.1 or 2.0, and get advice again.
And then repeat.
Even when you have something that works and that all agree on, that will only serve for a certain time (although it could be for years) until circumstances have changed and a new, refreshed, and better suite plan will be needed.
Regular Dialogue Where These Subjects Are Safe
Back in 2020, in How to ACE your FamBiz Succession Planning, we looked at how Alignment, Clarity, and Engagement are important elements to keep in mind.
I could have added that making sure your family has a regular forum where dialogue around these subjects is allowed, expected, and safe, is also a key success factor.
We’re talking about important subjects that deeply affect the lives of every family member, so if you’re trying to do the best job you can for all of those people, you need to have them involved, and do it in a positive and intentional manner.
Did Anyone Say This Was Supposed to Be Easy?
I know that the desire for an end point or “destination” is very strong, and nobody can “argue with” that.
But, assuming that you really want to prepare everyone and everything as best you can, then you really need to think about all of this as being more of a journey instead.
Try to enjoy this journey, even though it will not always be easy.
A New Season Is Upon Us, So…
As another season of Canada’s favourite sport begins, it feels like a good time to share some analogies from the world of hockey, that happen to fit nicely with some of my views on the subject of family wealth, and how best to prepare to transition it to future generations.
As a lifelong Montrealer, who was spoiled to be alive for 10 Stanley Cup wins by our beloved Canadiens before I finished High School, hockey holds a special place in my life, and my heart.
Although “Les Glorieux” are approaching three decades of drought, hope springs eternal, although probably not for another couple of seasons, as a roster rebuild is now on.
Our new coach recently said something during a press conference which got me thinking about some hockey analogies to write about here.
Offence Versus Defence
There’s a very simple one we can kick around a bit, about the importance of both offence and defence for a winning team.
If you have lots of scorers and lousy goaltending, you can try to win every game 8-7, but that’s not sustainable.
If you have the best goalie but can’t score, you need to try for a 0-0 tie and hope for the best in overtime.
My wealth analogy includes the risks involved in trying to make lots of money (score goals) versus making sure you don’t lose too much money (defence and goaltending).
Most families that achieve lots of wealth did so by playing exceptional offence for some time, and then need to focus on defence, since that game is played over decades and generations, not three 20-minute periods.
The asset allocation angle version might be the saying, “nobody ever got rich investing in bonds, but lots of people stay rich that way”.
Wayne Gretzky’s Famous Quote
We should also look at the most famous quote from one of the greatest players to ever lace up a pair of skates, Wayne Gretzky:
“Skate to where the puck is going, not where it has been.”
Indeed, we need to always be looking forward, not backwards, as we think about the wealth the family now owns, and how we plan to transition that wealth into the future.
The thing about intergenerational wealth, though, is that it is INTER generational.
That implies that the people in the current leading generation, who likely control that wealth, won’t be around forever, and so it behooves those folks to look to where not only the puck is going to be, but where the other players on the team will be.
The Guys Without the Puck
The Canadiens had their worst season in decades last year, and fired their coach midstream. Then, they turned heads by hiring someone who’d only ever coached his teenaged kids’ teams.
The team showed new life as he brought a fresh philosophy to the group, and he was then signed to a new long-term contract.
As the team prepared for the new season, during one of his many press conferences, he noted:
“I don’t coach the guy with the puck.
I coach the four guys without the puck.
The guy with the puck is the present.
The other four guys are the future.”
– Martin St. Louis
They Are All On the Team NOW
The team has lots of young players, who are playing alongside more experienced pros, but they’re all on the team now, sharing the ice together.
Yes, there’s a farm team too, preparing some future players who aren’t yet ready, but the “four guys without the puck” are all being coached to play well together now.
Too many families spend too much time concentrating on the guy with the puck, hoping he’ll continue to maintain his scoring prowess forever.
It’s a Team Sport
Working to transition your family’s wealth from one generation to the next is the ultimate team sport.
Coaching the ones who don’t yet have the puck is key, as is having the one with the puck understand that winning the game will involve passing the puck to others.
Learning to play well together is also a big part of success too.
Often the wealth creator had early success in an individual sport more like golf or tennis, where success as a “solo artist” is the major success factor.
Once you bring the family in, get inspired by team examples instead.
A Road Well Travelled.
The idea of going to do your MBA in order to then come back and work in (and possibly lead) your family business has been around for a long time.
It has been repeated often with varying degrees of success over the past few decades, in many places, and probably in every industry, somewhere on the planet.
It can be the perfect next step to give an aspiring leader the extra tools, confidence, and respect from fellow employees that they’ll need to take that next step in moving up the ranks and eventually taking over.
And sometimes, well, not so much.
This week I want to look at 5 things that you should consider before taking that leap.
Learning and Growth, or Just the Letters, Please
Whenever anyone is making a big decision, like going back to school for an advanced degree in anything, I always encourage them to think the decision through, and especially make sure that they’re doing it for the right reason.
If all you really want are the letters “MBA” after your name, that probably won’t be enough to sustain you on your journey.
If, however, you are looking to learn and grow as a person and as a leader, then your chances of success, during your studies and long after, will rise markedly.
But please be honest with yourself during this reflection.
Is This the Missing Link?
Even if you do realize that you need some more learning and growth in order to increase your chances of success, is the MBA route truly what’s missing for you to advance to where you want to get?
In many cases the answer is still YES, but there are lots of other educational opportunities that may be more suitable to you, depending on what strengths and education you already have, what industry you are in, and what type of role you hope to grow into.
What Role Likely Awaits You?
And that brings us to the role you are looking to occupy.
Since we are looking very long term here, you need to think about not only the next role you hope to grow into, but also any subsequent ones.
You may see roles that interest you now, and it may seem clear that they seem tailor-made for you (and you may be right).
But please, before making a big decision like going back to school, make sure that you have a number of discussions with other family members who are above you in the business hierarchy before you make any commitments.
Podunk State Vs. Harvard/Stanford/Wharton
Assuming you’ve thought through it all, discussed it with all important stakeholders, and are ready to take the leap. You need to figure out where to set your sights.
There’s a huge variability in the quality of the programs out there, their cost, their ease of qualifying, and time commitment and distance.
Assuming that you could qualify everywhere and cost is no object, it may well be worth reaching for the top schools for a better quality experience, as well as interacting with a higher level of other students.
That may not be realistic in most cases, so a detailed evaluation of schools and programs is worth the effort, which in this day and age is so much easier than it was decades ago, thanks to the web and Google.
There are even a number of schools that have specific offerings for those coming from family businesses, which didn’t exist when I was beginning this journey in the ‘80’s.
Build Your Network Too
I alluded to this above when noting the “higher level of other students” but no matter where you might end up, do not neglect the opportunity to create a network, not just of friends but of future colleagues on whom you can lean when you will need them.
Schools that emphasize family business education may be preferable for just that reason, as you are more likely to meet and get close to others whose career situation will better resemble yours, and with whom continued contact may be mutually beneficial.
Aren’t MBA’s “a Dime a Dozen”?
Doing my MBA was a rewarding experience for me, even though we sold our family business soon after my return.
These days, there are many MBA’s out there, and the experience can still offer a lot.
But think it through before committing.
A Big Question, Well Worth Considering
Given the number of family businesses out there, you’d think that the question in the title of this post is pretty common.
Unfortunately, it is not asked nearly as often as it should be, at least not out loud.
This is not to point fingers at those who never took the time to properly consider the question, because if I were doing that, the first person I’d need to point at is me!
I write about all sorts of topics relating to family enterprise here, and yet this one, which seems to involve a very important “go / no go” decision, isn’t one I’ve written a lot about.
Forced into the Family Business
I did write Forced into the Family Business back in 2018, and if this post interests you, you’ll likely want to read that one as well.
When I re-read it just now, this line jumped out at me:
“This assumes that both sides are getting what they need out of it.”
That’s worth thinking about in this context, because if it isn’t going to turn into a win-win situation over the short-, medium-, and long-term, then the answer should probably be a firm NO.
You don’t want to end up in a situation where you somehow get stuck in a place that you cannot get out of, and believe me, it happens, probably more often than you realize.
Some people in these positions even have difficulty admitting it to themselves when it occurs.
(If this resonates, check out the book, Trapped in the Family Business, by my friend Michael A. Klein, PsyD).
Things to Clarify Before You Enter
Because you don’t want to end up stuck, you need to make sure that you clarify a lot of matters up front, before you commit.
I’m going to assume here that we’re talking about someone who is at least in their mid-20’s and who has already begun their work career with a job elsewhere.
Otherwise, please go and re-read Forced into the Family Business, which clearly lays out my thoughts on going to work in your family business as your first job, right out of school.
None of this is rocket science of course, and if you think about this choice just like you would consider and ask questions about any other job you might want to pursue, with any other company or organization, you’re already off to a good start.
The biggest problems arise when people “leap before they look”.
Employees and Ownership
A key consideration that cannot be overlooked is whether the family company has already decided on whether being an owner of the business, now or in the future, is contingent upon working in the business full time.
Some companies are very firm on this and are well run because of it, and others sometimes end up in a situation where they wish they had imposed this rule. But it certainly isn’t pervasive, and is usually worth considering at some point for many families.
Responsibilities and Reporting
Among the key matters to clarify before joining the family business are what you will be responsible for (the “what”) as well as to whom you will be reporting (the “who”).
Make sure you discuss this in advance, and don’t just talk about your first job there, because presumably you will be there for a long time and handling different roles over time is almost surely part of the plan.
It’s also usually better for you to report to someone who is not related to you, inasmuch as that’s possible.
Is There Enough Room for Everyone?
Another question to consider is how many other family members are (or will be) also working there.
A situation that can arise is one where there are just too many family members involved and they start stepping on each others’ toes a lot.
Maybe it’s not a good idea to have “everyone” working together, even if you all get along well. Working together may change that, and not in a good way.
The Frog in the Boiling Water
Most people have heard the story about the frog who entered the pot when the water was cool and then couldn’t jump out when the water started boiling.
Most such frogs would probably look back and wish they’d asked a few more questions about the water temperature that they could expect going forward.
The time for asking questions and having deep discussions is before agreeing to work in your family business.
Holding the Power of the Process
I’ve just returned from a quick trip to the center of the universe, which every fellow Canadian will recognize means Toronto.
During the 48 hours I spent there, I had occasion to catch up with some folks I’ve known for years, as well as meet some people with whom I’d only recently exchanged a couple of emails.
The return to the world of face-to-face conversations is refreshing, and five meetings over two days allowed me to speak with people about the work I do and how I approach it a number of times.
These conversations had me rehashing a story I’ve shared many times when speaking with people, but have yet to write about here.
That changes today.
Facilitation Is NOT About the Content
Let me share that story now to set up my point.
Years ago I was in the board room with a family for the first time, and about an hour into things the matriarch stood up and began using very colourful language to berate her nephews and sons.
As she began to put on her coat and gather her things as she stormed out, I suddenly felt that all the eyes were on me.
The specific words that this woman had used with me weeks earlier, about wanting me to “referee” their family meeting, were coming more into focus right then.
That was when I needed to summon all of my strength to just sit there and watch, silently.
It has become my real life, lived experience of “don’t just do something, sit there”.
Hat Tip for the Inspiration
That type of occasion, where not doing something is what’s best, is very rare when presiding over a meeting.
The idea to write a blog about this came from a LinkedIn post by a colleague a couple of months ago.
Dr. Stacey Feiner shared a story about a meeting she was in where things suddenly got heated and everyone stared at her.
She had the perfect one-liner that got everyone back to reality and eased the tension, allowing for productive work to continue.
Going back to my story above, that meeting also continued, minus one person, for many hours of useful discussion, and in which my referee’s whistle remained in my pocket.
Reading the Room and Holding the Space
Not everyone is suited for this type of role, because there’s a weird power dynamic that you need to deal with.
In some ways, it seems like the person presiding over the meeting has a lot of power, because they’re guiding all of the process.
However, assuming that they are there because a process person is needed, then they actually don’t have any power at all, and are really there to allow all the other people to be as powerful as they can be.
This entails lots of observation, reading the room, especially the emotional field, and really holding the space for productive discussions to take place.
Intergenerational Discussions Fraught with Emotions
Let’s also not forget that I’m talking about meetings that involve family members, often from more than one generation.
We’re talking about the crossroads of family and business, with a lot at stake, and some power dynamics that can make things tricky in a hurry.
There are always plenty of important subjects to discuss in any business, even more so in a family enterprise.
But having those discussions go well and be productive is not always easy.
While I didn’t necessarily like the idea of being seen as the “referee” of the meeting, sometimes that’s what’s necessary.
I did referee hockey for a few seasons decades ago, and also umpired baseball games for a number of years too.
Little did I know then that these activities would give me some much needed experience that I could call upon in my 50’s.
Learning How to Be Together
When family members also work together, they sometimes fall into communication patterns that don’t work very well, especially for members of the rising generation, who may have difficulty being seen as responsible and mature enough for their roles.
In cases like these, they almost have to learn a new and more appropriate way to “be together”, in a way that works for everyone.
And never forget the saying that you know a game was well refereed when it’s over and nobody even remembers the ref’s name!
A Country Song Sparks a Blog – Again!
Whenever I get an idea for a blog post that allows me to link back to things I’ve written about here in the past, it gives me an extra incentive to try to pull all the pieces together somehow.
Of course, a decade of writing weekly gives me lots to look back on, and sometimes posts I thought were recent turn out to be much older than I recalled.
So a few weeks ago, when I heard a country song on the radio that sparked this week’s missive, I was amazed to discover that it’s been over 6 years since I’ve been inspired that way.
Back in 2016, it was Humble and Kind, which I had heard while driving to a family business function in Atlantic Canada. When that song came on again during my drive back, that sealed it, since so many of the FamBiz folks I’d met were both humble and kind.
Inspirational Simplicity.
I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a big fan of country music, but I have to admit that most of the lyrics are quite simple, and I find that inspirational for a number of reasons.
As someone who regularly tackles subjects that are quite complex, I am constantly trying to write about my ideas in ways that are easy to understand.
When you can already sing along to a song the very first time you hear it, you know that the writer has done something well.
When I wrote Blame it on Cinderella back in 2013, the lyrics of that country song had painted such a vivid picture in my head that I needed to write about the feelings it evoked.
Another Long Drive, Lots of Switching Radio Stations.
So here I was in July 2022, killing time between a conference in Denver and running a family meeting in Denver, with a handful of days in between.
I decided to rent a car and managed to cross another 4 states of my list to visit (48 now, only missing North Dakota and Alaska).
Over those few days, I tuned into lots of different radio stations, and I was not surprised that many of them played country music.
I lost count of how many times I heard Dierks Bentley ask the rhetorical “What Was I Thinking?”, from that 2003 tune.
I’m pretty sure that I’m one of the few listeners who immediately thought about Bowen Family Systems Theory every time I heard it.
Being Driven by One’s Feelings.
The song is about a fellow who ends up in some interesting situations, that make him ask himself the question, “What was I thinking?” each time.
The understanding is that he was clearly NOT thinking, because a thinking person presumably would never have allowed himself to get into all those situations.
In fact, in the line just before that question, he says “I know what I was feeling”.
Murray Bowen came up with his Family Systems Theory (BFST) starting in the late 1950’s and continued to work on it until his death in 1990.
When I began working with business families about a decade ago, I kept hearing about BFST and how it was a great tool to try to master if you are planning to work with families.
One of the most basic concepts in BFST is “Differentiation of Self”, where the idea is to become better at following your thinking rather than your feelings.
Family Situations Evoke Strong Feelings.
When looking for family leadership among members of any generation, you will often discover varying levels of differentiation, where some members are guided by thinking and others are more driven by feelings.
Dr. Bowen would encourage any family to put more faith in those who use their thinking brain more.
He also supports the idea of consciously trying to work on oneself to try to act less based on our feelings, and more on our thinking.
He talks a lot about the subject of anxiety, and the ability to function well even in anxious situations, where it’s clear that being able to remain calm and keep a clear head are hallmarks of the emotional maturity required to be successful.
Families with lots of drama can be extra tricky.
Great family leadership is essential.
Interdependent Wealth.
If you’re interested in BFST and how I use it when working with families, please pick up a copy of Interdependent Wealth on Amazon.
It’s Never Too Early nor Too Late – But….
This week we’re going to take a look at a common question that people in my line of work get, and dig a bit deeper into my standard answer, to try to test its limits.
It so happens that a couple of the client families with whom I’m presently working are showing signs of concern with the pace of our work together, which has brought this to the front burner for me.
I want to write something here that I can share with them, and at the same time make some broader points about how my engagements with a family can play out.
But first a flashback to a skit from an old Saturday Night Live episode that came to mind when I wrote the title above, which I immediately realized could be misconstrued.
“You Can’t Put Too Much Water in a Nuclear Reactor”.
That 1984 skit featured guest host Ed Asner (begins at 53:42) as a retiring boss at a nuclear plant, who gave the workers he left behind some advice that ended up causing confusion, from which much humour then ensued.
“Just remember, you can’t put too much water in a nuclear reactor” had some workers believing that you shouldn’t ever put too much water in, while others opted for the opposite interpretation, i.e. that it’s impossible to put in too much.
My “You can’t start too early” suffers from the same shortcoming, but my sub-head, “It’s never too early” clarifies my views.
Starting WHAT, Exactly?
It may help if I define what I’m referring to when I say “start”.
My work typically involves families who are trying to ensure that the wealth or business that they’ve created can be successfully transitioned to the next generation of their family.
Those efforts involve a number of legal and structural steps and procedures, of course, but those are always handled by other experts in those subjects, not by me.
My work is in the family circle, working the family dynamics and relationships aspect, which usually includes getting the family started with regular family meetings.
The work around these efforts, bringing the family members into these key discussions, is what I mean by “getting started”.
Try Not to Make a M.E.S.S.
I wrote about this back on 2017, in a post called Start Cleaning Up Your M.E.S.S. where “M.E.S.S.” was an acronym I had created to help readers remember four important aspects relating to getting started.
The “M” is for “Start Moving”, emphasizing that this is much more than just thinking about it or talking about it with one person, it’s about action.
The “E” is for “Start Early”, which is what we’re looking at today.
The two “S’s” are where it can get tricky for some, especially those who feel like they need to be in a hurry to get somewhere.
Some people just don’t do well with “Start Small” and “Start Slowly”, but they’re key for a number of reasons.
Why You Need to Start SMALL.
It’s important to start small because you don’t want to lose anyone along the way, and onboarding family members into such a process needs to be done carefully, because you really want to make sure that you will maximize their engagement.
Taking big steps would allow you to feel like you’re making big progress, of course, but if it means that some of the more skeptical family members aren’t ready to buy in, then big steps work against you.
Why You Need to Start SLOWLY.
Back in 2018, I wrote There Is No Destination, where I talked about the fact that life is more about the journey than the destination, and that’s an attitude I encourage parents to adopt.
Going slowly, and taking small steps, is important for the engagement question too, because again, you don’t want to lose anyone along the way.
You can really only go as fast as the group is willing to go, so erring on the slow side is what I always encourage.
There Is No Finish Line.
There’s actually no need for big steps or going fast when you consider that there is no finish line to this work.
We’re not trying to get to the last page of the book or tick off all the boxes on a checklist, we’re trying to make sure that family knows where they want to go and how they will work together.
That work never ends.
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