My Good Faith Presumption when Working with Families

Is Everything Really on the Up and Up?

My baseline assumption whenever I meet anyone is that they’re a good person and I can trust them.

In almost every case, that works out well, and I hate to think what the world would look like if ever that stopped being the case.

As I’ve worked with families over the past decade and a half, I’ve often noted that chemistry is so important, much more than geography.

See Chemistry Versus Geography in Advising Families.

And that chemistry works both ways, i.e. the family members need to feel it with me, and I need to feel it from all of them too.

Unfortunately, sometimes that starts well, but then something shifts.

The common thread in those cases is almost always the discovery that someone is not acting in good faith.

Section 01

When Bad Faith Reveals Itself

Perhaps my natural tendency to assume good faith is part of the problem.

I like to jokingly say that my wife is the most skeptical person I know, and I bet I could learn a thing or two from her on that score, as we enter our 35th year of marriage.

Let’s see what my friend Mr. Google has to say when I ask him about bad faith.

Let’s see if I can tie some of my real-world experiences into some of those ideas.

Section 02

Mental Health Issues Are Never Far Away

Because my default assumes good faith, it can take me a while to recognize the deception that some people bring to conversations with me.

I once spent a few hours in the living room of one client and his wife, while they regaled me with tales about other family members, which they had to know I would be able to verify.

Not being a mental health practitioner, I hesitate to put a label on such behaviour, but let’s just say that I have difficulty working with people like that because once I note their tendency to deceive, I can’t decipher what’s true anymore.

I managed to bring in a colleague who I believed was better suited to that family’s challenges, but he only ended up confirming what I saw.

Section 03

Parents Who Know It All

I’ve had a few cases where the parents initially reminded me of my own father, because they were hard-driving businesspeople who became successful business operators.

Eventually, though, I noted big differences from my Dad, as their secrets were quietly revealed to me by others, which had me then wasting too much energy trying to decipher the motives they were working on.

Such cases of bad faith, as I sometimes like to label them, are a clear signal that I need to search for an exit.

When I do exit engagements like these, I often have mixed feelings about them, due to a combination of a feeling of failure, letting down those individuals who hoped I’d be able to help them, or the loss of an opportunity to be the hero.

Section 04

Hostility As a Strong Signal and Red Flag

One factor that has become a red flag is hostility between family members.

When I asked a father about one of his sons’ relationships with his mother, he relied with a single word,

“Wow”, I thought, and perhaps even said aloud.

I have another client now where I am the only person stopping a sibling group from initiating legal proceedings against one another, and I can feel their hostility growing by the day.

Their lawyers are on standby, waiting for the call, which will light the fuse that will certainly have consequences.

That hostility has been a growing signal to me that my exit is near (phew!) but I expect to be deposed at some point in the future.

Did I mention how much I enjoy me work?

Section 05

Bad Faith Operators Exist; Too Bad

It’s unfortunate that there are people who operate on bad faith, even in families.

I’ve resolved to myself that I can’t help everyone, which is a mature and realistic way to think about it.

Finding the graceful way out isn’t always easy but is necessary.